Chapter 20: I Must Win - My Name Is Samim

I push my hands against the sofa, trying to lift myself, but my body is as heavy as a sack of rocks.

“Let me take you to your room,” Miss Brown says, helping me to my feet. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you and Rita fall out again?”

I shake my head. I didn’t even realise Miss Brown knew we’d fallen out.

“Are you feeling ill?”

“No.”

I creep up the stairs, leaning on the wooden banister with one hand and holding on to Miss Brown with another. Once in my room, I flop on my bed and try to even my breath.

3.1415926535…

“I have something that might cheer you up.” Miss Brown holds a paper gift bag out to me. She’s had it all this time. “At first, I thought I’d give you my old one,” she says, taking a white box out of the bag. “But then I decided you deserved something new.”

She hands me the box, and I look at it, confused.

“Open it!”

I rip the plastic wrap and open the box.

It’s a shiny black phone with two cameras on the back. My face breaks into a wide grin.

“I got you a SIM card too, of course, so now you can call and text anyone you like,” she says.

A sharp pang grips my chest. I squeeze the phone tightly in my hand, then drop it on the bed and touch my bracelet.

“You okay?” Miss Brown’s eyes widen.

I can now call and message anyone I like, but everyone I’d like to call and message is gone.

The light dims around me.

…8979323846…

“I’m sorry, I just realised what I said. I meant you can now call or message your schoolmates if you like.” Miss Brown’s voice fades away as my thoughts darken, and I squeeze my eyes shut in pain.

…5358979323846…

“Someday, this pain will go away,” Zayn says, sitting beside me.

“I don’t want it to go away.” My chin is trembling. “This pain is all I have left of you, Uncle Roshan and my family.”

“I don’t understand,” Miss Brown says. “I’m sorry, you said something in Dari, I think?”

I open my eyes and shake my head. “It’s nothing. Thank you. Thank you for the phone.” I force a smile on a face that wants to weep.

Miss Brown purses her lips, pats my shoulder and walks away.

I stare at my new phone, lying on the bed.

“Why don’t you call Auntie Amina? She must be worried sick about you,” Zayn says.

I shake my head. “No. Never.”

“Why?”

“I can never tell her that you didn’t make it, Zayn. I just can’t. I can’t tell her that.”

Silence stretches between us.

“Will I spend the rest of my life being nothing to nobody?” I ask.

Zayn curls his arm around my shoulders, and I swear I can feel his warmth. “No way.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you. And because nobody is nothing in this world. We are all just as important and needed as the sun and the moon. Remember?”

“I don’t know if I believe it any more.”

“You better. You’re the one who made it to the end.”

My head drops, as a sob clogs my throat. “I’m so sorry, Zayn. You should be here instead of me. I’m the one who should be dead.”

“Don’t. Never say that.” He moves his arm away and walks to the window. “Someone very wise once told me that when the eagles try to get rid of the crows that pester them, they soar really high up in the sky.”

I wipe my eyes. “Wait. Why do crows pester eagles?”

I know the answer, I know this story and I know who told it to Zayn. But I pretend I don’t because I know it will wind him up, and these moments are precious.

“I don’t know why crows pester eagles. Why do you always ruin my stories?”

“I’m just asking a question!”

“Well, don’t! It doesn’t matter why crows pester eagles! It’s like I’m showing you the moon and you’re staring at ants!”

“Ants are incredibly intelligent insects that build amazingly complex colonies.”

Zayn grinds his teeth in rage. “That’s it. You seem to be feeling better, so I’m out of here!” he grumbles, and disappears.

“Zayn! Come back! I swear I won’t interrupt you again. I need to know the rest of the story!” I say to the empty room.

Zayn reappears. “Then sit quietly, listen, and learn from my wisdom. Not another word!”

I smother a chuckle and nod obediently.

Zayn squints his eyes at me in silent fury. “Where was I? So, when the crows pester eagles for some unknown reason,” – he stresses the last part, giving me a glare – “the eagles soar really high in the sky, where the air is so thin that crows can’t breathe.”

I’m really tempted to ask why crows can’t breathe it if eagles can, but I know that if I do, Zayn will disappear for a week to punish me, so I bite my tongue.

Zayn throws up his arms. “Say something!”

“Oh, sorry. I thought you hadn’t finished yet.”

Zayn crosses his arms. “Why do I even bother with you?”

“I’m sorry, okay? So, what does this story mean?”

“It means when your enemies trouble you, rise above them, turkey-brains! How come you’re so good at maths and chess but so bad at life?”

I shrug, laughing inside. “That’s why I’m so lucky to have you, I guess.” I must let Zayn win this one.

“You are lucky to have me.” Zayn’s voice is calmer and happier now that I’ve admitted my foolishness.

“What would you do if you were here instead of me?”

“Drop out of the chess club and join a football one instead,” Zayn says in a serious tone.

I grin and roll my eyes.

Zayn sighs. “Remember what Darya once said? ‘A dream is like a lighthouse. It shows you the way in the darkness.’ So, if I had a chance at life, I’d follow my dream. No, I wouldn’t just follow it, I’d chase it like a jackal chases a rabbit! And so should you. Wouldn’t winning that chess competition be a dream come true for you?”

I nod and feel myself walking out of a fog. I have a dream and I must follow it: for Zayn, Darya and all the other children who were forced onto the road they didn’t choose. I must live for all of us.

I rub my face and open the window, letting in the crisp autumn air. My skin tingles from the cold, and I feel like I’m waking up from a very long sleep.

I am important, I am needed, I must live.

While on the road, ‘I must live’ meant ‘I must survive’. But now these words have a different meaning. My life can’t just be about surviving this journey. It must mean more.

I must live. And I must win.