Chapter 12: Act Natural! (Layla) - Once I Find You

I’m not sure why the words come out. I guess seeing him get ready to leave just made me panic. I know I’m not being fair, that he’s ready to go. But part of me feels like maybe this changed something, and I can’t let this opportunity slip through my hands.

He’s quiet as he slips his shirt on, then he turns to me. “We’re not doing this. This…thing,” he says, gesturing to the floor where we were, “was because you asked. Now you’re supposed to hold your end of the deal.”

Why did I say, “have sex with me?” Why couldn’t I have said, “date me?”

He puts his shirt back on, and I watch his washboard abs disappear from my view. He sighs when he sees me sitting here, watching him and looking ready to cry. God, I’m screwing this up by being so emotional all the time.

“Never fucking invite anyone here. Do you hear me? Don’t tell anyone you live alone again, either.” I nod and he sighs. “You don’t need to rush shit you’re not ready for. I could’ve taken advantage of you.”

I know he’s right…but he just doesn’t understand me yet. I’ve spent years grappling with the idea of having sex. I want to have sex. I want to get over everything. How can I move on when I’m stuck in the past, and filled with memories I can’t erase?

“You wouldn’t have done that.”

“How do you know that? You don’t fucking know me, Layla. I’m not a good man. I’ve killed more men than I can count with my bare hands and I don’t flinch. I’ve lost everything already. I have nothing else to lose and nothing stopping me. You should be afraid of men like that.”

“I’ve lost everything too,” I insist. “I…I guess I don’t know you well yet, but I know enough to know that you’re not a bad man.”

“Stop…looking for ways to defend me. And don’t say ‘yet,’ this was it, remember?”

Yes. I remember. Buuuut…I will choose to forget.

“Can I at least ask you why?”

“Why what?” he asks, stopping closer to my front door.

“Why did you start doing this? The killing?”

I can tell that my question has struck a chord. Maybe it was too personal? But I want to know. I want to know everything about him. Even if he said something horrible, I’d understand him.

“I don’t talk about that,” he says dismissively.

“I won’t judge you, I swear.” He’s silent, and I speak up again. “I’ll tell you a bad secret too.”

He shakes his head, running his hand over his face. “I need to go. Please, leave everything be. Move on. You’re young, go explore and…whatever other shit people your age do these days.”

I don’t even have a chance to protest before he walks out, closing my door behind him. My ears ring from the silence, and I can’t help the rush of emotions.

It’s okay, Layla. Give him a few days…and I’m going back. This time, I’ll try something different.

* * *

The next day goes by like a blur. I went to the bakery and had the most boring day of my life. I usually love going to work…but now I have too much on my mind.

I feel relieved when I make it back to my apartment, slipping my shoes off with a sigh. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some takeout? I don’t feel like making ramen again tonight.

I quickly go to grab some comfortable sweats and a long sleeve and get myself ready to relax and become one with my couch. I’ve been looking forward to this call all day, it’s been forever since I’ve gotten to unwind and talk to my forum friends.

I order some fast food from my phone, and plop down with my laptop. When I join the call, I’m interrupting Alyssa and Wen as they’re already arguing.

“Seriously? Of course her fucking parents killed her! There’s no way you believe some random guy broke into her house and did that to her and left undetected?”

“You guys are still arguing about that?” I butt in with a laugh.

“Finally, someone with some sense. Layla please, explain to Alyssa that she’s wrong.”

“I mean, sorry Aly, I really might have to agree with Wen. I think her parents at least know something, even if they didn’t do it.”

Alyssa sighs and rolls her eyes exaggeratingly and we laugh. “Hey, where’s Gabi? She said she’d be here.”

Wen shrugs, and I check my phone. Gabi is just…not too into video calls usually. She sometimes joins in just to talk. I think maybe she’s shy? Or a loner? And I know she probably feels left out because us three are always spamming the group chat.

“We should probably make a new group chat,” Wen ends up saying.

“What? Why?” I ask, looking up from my phone to check on my food delivery.

Alyssa and Wen both stay silent for a minute, then Wen speaks up. “It’s just…she mentioned that she thought you were being kind of weird. Like, because of the name you sent and then you took down some old comments from the forum and she noticed. I mean we don’t agree, I think she just is reading into it, you know? Like you know she’s always been kind of suspicious of everyone.”

Crap. How the hell would she have noticed I deleted those? They were old comments, but they were ones I was worried might incriminate Kane by accident, so I went back and took them down. I actually took a lot down… “Do you think I should call her? I mean I can explain why and maybe she’ll join the chat after?”

“Yeah, call her. I told her she’s just being paranoid. It isn’t like you’re keeping anything from us, we’ve been doing this together from the beginning anyway, right?”

God I’m so bad at faking! Act natural!

“Yes! Of course not. I’ll call her now.” I hop off the video call and take a deep breath. What the hell?! Why would Gabi even tell them that? Is that why she texted me to ask to compare notes? Was she testing me?

I pick up my phone and dial Gabi, and it only rings a couple of times until she answers. “Hey, I probably won’t make it to the call, I have some family things going on tonight,” she says, already about to hang up.

“Wait! I just uh, Wen told me you were wondering about my comments, so I just wanted to explain myself.”

“Okay.”

“Okay…right. I just…you know since I was wrong about Peter Reed I realized I must have messed up somewhere down the line. I wanted to delete everything that I wasn’t sure about, so no one else got thrown off too. That’s all!”

“I see.”

Oh my god. She sees right through me, doesn’t she?

She’s quiet for a moment, then continues. “Don’t worry about it. Sorry, I should’ve just texted you. I just really wanna figure this out, you know? It’s important to me.”

“I didn’t realize you were that serious about it,” I say. Had she always been like that? I thought she was doing it for fun like Alyssa and Wen.

“Well, I am. But I shouldn’t have done that behind your back. All good, right?”

“Uh yeah, for sure.”

We exchange awkward goodbyes, and I hang up. Maybe I was being weird. I should be more careful next time. I’m terrible at this “discreet” thing. Oh well.

When I get back on the video call, Alyssa and Wen barely care about the conversation I had with Gabi, so I forget about it too. As we ate our own dinners, we end up talking about a bunch of different cases, and eventually watched the new documentary series that came out this week.

I really missed these nights. I think I needed this distraction to decompress after everything that’s happened with Kane. But…I also feel anxious. If, let’s say, Kane and I end up together, what does that mean for him and what he does? Does he stop killing? Do I have to protect him forever and hide it from everyone?

I need to get to know him more. I respect what he does, and his agenda. I agree someone has to do something about the tens of thousands of evil people who walk among us…but I’m scared of losing him. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would sacrifice his freedom forever. He must know when the end would be for him.

Maybe it can be me?