Chapter 20: Lover Girl (Layla) - Once I Find You

I hum to myself as I try to clean up the apartment a little more. I really need to get a new dresser so I stop making a mess every time I have to pull all my clothes out to pick an outfit. Oh well. As I pick up a shirt from the floor, I see something metal catch my eye poking out from under my couch. I reach over, and it looks like a big…folded knife? It isn’t the same one Kane always has clipped to his belt, though. Does he really carry more than one?!

I struggle to get it open, but once I do a gasp escapes me as I almost cut my finger. “Oops,” I mutter, holding it up. I turn it over in my hand, watching how the light catches on the sharp tip. Jeez, this is kind of dangerous, right? Is it legal to just walk around with these things? I move my hand and stab it into the top of my nightstand. “Woah.” Cool! Maybe I should keep it? I retrieve it and place it in my purse, nodding to myself in approval. I think Kane would like me to carry it around, anyway.

I’m surprised when Wen texts me, and I quickly reply.

My phone immediately rings. “Hey? This is a fun surprise,” I say as I answer.

“I know! Since I’m a couple hours ahead I figured you were finally awake by now. Anyway...I just wanted to check on you. You haven’t replied in the group chat like, all week.”

Oops. “Ugh, yeah, I’m sorry. Honestly, I’ve had a busy weekend⁠—”

“Oh, happy late birthday! You didn’t see our texts I don’t think. What’s got you so busy, huh? Don’t tell me you’re withdrawing from the Single Forever club?”

“Thank you! And, well…maybe? I guess we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Ah! Okay! I’ll tell the girls you’re okay then, they were worried too. I mean, Gabi was worried because you went MIA, and you know how she is. She thought maybe something bad happened.”

“No! Just…normal things! I have to work today, so I probably won’t catch up with the chat until tonight. Shit, I have to hurry up actually,” I say, looking up at the clock.

“Okay! Talk later, lover girl,” she teases as she hangs up.

Ugh. I feel like everything in my life is catching up to me. I haven’t emailed my therapist back, either. It’s hard to lie to everyone. The only person I can be honest with is Crystal…and she’s busy now. I don’t really want to overload her when she’s trying to work on a new relationship, too.

Will I ever be able to really keep this secret forever? I’m so terrified I’m going to blurt it out to the first person who asks me the right question. I guess Kane is right to be angry at me.

Today was a productive day; on the bus ride to work, I called back my therapist to reschedule our next appointment for a few days from today. I guess I’ll have to practice my ability to not spill my guts again for it. At work, I was able to make a few cute custom cake orders at the bakery and took some more for the next few weeks.

Now, I’m working on the ritual of organizing my leftover icing colors to save for the future so I don’t waste them, which is honestly kind of relaxing.

“Hey! I’m glad you’re still here,” Jenna calls out, walking into the back. “I wanted to let you know, we’re gonna be closed Wednesday through Friday this week because we had a death in the family, so all of us are going to be driving down to Redding. I know it’s last minute, so I’m sorry.”

“Oh no, it’s totally okay, I’m so sorry to hear that!” Well, it isn’t really okay, because I need my full hours to pay bills. But…it’s family, so I have to be understanding. I guess that’s a risk you take working for a business owned by a family you’re not in.

“It’s okay.” She waves her hand. “No big deal, we weren’t close. But my parents are making us all go and they insisted on closing up.”

“Um, but I do have a big cupcake order on Thursday?” I remind her.

“Oh shit! Hm, well, it’s okay. Here.” She digs in her purse, and hands me a set of keys. “These are mine, so don’t lose them. I’m not coming in tomorrow anyway, so I won’t need them ‘til we’re back next Monday. Just make sure you keep everything locked.”

“Oh, sure, thank you. I’ll be careful.”

“Anyway, I think it’s just Isobel and Clark tomorrow, but they’ll make sure the till is empty and everything else is done. I’ll tell Clark to keep the security system off for you, so the alarm won’t go off when you come in. Dad won’t let us give the code out, obviously. Okay, I gotta go or else Isobel will leave my ass here,” she huffs with a smile, and waves as she runs back around the corner and back to the front of the store.

Well, I guess I get to at least clock in when I come bake the cupcakes…but missing twenty-four hours of work is gonna suck. I’m barely going to be able to pay my phone bill as it is…and I can’t ask for another extension on my electricity bill. Ugh, I don’t want to ask for help. Kane told me to…but I don’t like it. What if he feels used?

No, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll just be really careful and use up my ramen supply this week, and then maybe Kane will make dinner again when I get to see him. I’ll take the leftover sandwiches from the display home today, too. I only just got Kane to open up more to the idea of me, and I don’t want to spoil it by being even more needy than I already am.

I try to finish up quickly to make the next bus, and when I walk outside, the rain is already starting again. It’s beautiful outside; the fall leaves now cover the pavement and give pretty little pops of orange and yellow all over. It reminds me that I should go to the pumpkin patch early to get a big one before they’re all gone.

Every year, the pumpkin patch opens two weeks before Halloween, and every year, I’m always busy and miss out on the first few days. But…since the store is gonna be closed, maybe I can go this year. Maybe Kane would come with me?

I giggle to myself, imagining someone like him walking around a pumpkin patch picking one out. As I sit at the bus stop, my phone rings, and my heart soars when I see his name across the screen. He’s calling me? This is a first!

“Hi!”

“I see you left work, are you alright? Are you walking to the bus?” his deep voice asks, almost strained.

“Huh? How would you see that I left work?”

“I shared your location with myself last night after you went to the bathroom.”

What? Did he? I pull the phone away from my face and quickly go to the app on my smartphone and…wow. He actually did. And…his is here too. Why am I smiling so wide? “Oh, okay.”

“I’m on my way, so don’t get on the bus. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t talk to anyone.”

He’s so…intense right now. I wonder why? “Okay. I’ll wait, I promise. I’ll just sit on a bench out of the rain.”

He hangs up, and I excitedly keep checking the app to check how close he is as I wait. I make sure to hop into the group chat, though I don’t think I’ll have time to reply to everyone. I laugh when I see Wen telling everyone I have a new boyfriend and I’m too cool for the weekend calls now.

Maybe I should text Crys too. Well, I’m sure she’ll blow my phone up when she sees me there again anyway.

When I look up, I see Kane’s red truck and happily stand, then skip over and let myself in. “Hi,” I say again, sliding in. He doesn’t look too happy for some reason, and it makes me feel guilty. Is it because of me? I slide closer and kiss his cheek, and I feel relieved when I see that small inkling of a smile form on his face.

“Hi, sweetheart. I didn’t plan on it, but I think it’s better if I take you to and from work from now on. I don’t want you riding the bus anymore.”

“Really? I mean I’m happy but…isn’t that annoying for you? Why would you wanna do that?”

“Because…it’s not safe, and I can. Don’t question me, alright?”

He always sounds mean, but I think I’ve learned him by now. He’s not lovey-dovey, and that’s okay with me. He shows his love by enforcing his rules, telling you how it is, and showing up for you. It feels really, really good to have someone taking care of me like that.

“Okay. I’m just excited to see you every day,” I say with a smile, laying my head on his shoulder as he drives.

“Yeah…Maybe you should stay with me tonight.”

“Yeah? I can?” I ask, almost too loudly.

He rumbles a soft chuckle, and his arm works to move the gear shift. “Yes, you can. I’m not too impressed by the security of that apartment building, either. Shitty part of town, too.”

“Yeah I know, but there are only so many buildings that qualify for my low-income program. This was the best option I could get.”

He clicks his tongue, his jaw clenched as he looks forward at the wet road and drives. “Maybe you should just stay with me.”

I turn, my eyes wide. “What did you say?”

“When Mason finds a place, there’ll be more room. For now, it’ll be tight, but⁠—”

“You want me to move in with you?” I ask eagerly. Relax, Layla, be cool.

“I…Yeah.”

Holyfuckingshit. Is this really my life? How did I get here? What did I do so right? I never in a million years expected to hear these words out of his mouth. Only a week ago he was still telling me to leave him alone. I guess pussy really does change a man?

“Obviously it’ll be complicated—for now you can just stay over, and we’ll grab a bag for you. We’ll figure out the rest later. Okay?”

“Okay! Yes!” Take a breath, you sound way too enthusiastic again! “I mean, cool. That sounds fine.”

“We’ll discuss it more later. Let’s just stop by your place and head back. I promised Mason burgers tonight and he keeps texting me, whining.”

I nod, taking a breath as I take it all in.

I have a boyfriend. A live-in boyfriend.

And I can stop worrying about rent. And I don’t have to buy a bus pass anymore. Maybe I can start saving a little bit every month for my bakery? Maybe…we’ll get serious, too? When do you even decide that kind of thing?

What about…the other thing? Is he doing this because of the small possibility I could get pregnant? I guess I’d feel crappy if I made him feel obligated because of what I said. I probably should’ve just let him take me to get the morning-after pill so he wouldn’t have to worry about it. Damn it, Layla! I should have thought it through more. Of course, he’s feeling obligated to have me move in with him after that. I was hoping he was asking because he liked me a lot…

Oh no.

Now I’m going to think about this all night. How do I manage to always misread everything?