Chapter 6: I’m Coming to Find You (Layla) - Once I Find You

“Ugh,” I groan as my alarm goes off right next to my ear. I pick my phone up, missing the button a million times but eventually succeeding. I sit up, scratching my head with a yawn and get up and walk to the bathroom.

I hum to myself as I brush my teeth, finishing up and taking my time to get ready. I have to make sure I’m not too early for the bus this time or I’ll get soaked again.

I change and spend time putting my hair in a loose side braid—I’ll have to get my money pieces touched up soon or I’ll start looking crazy. I finish fussing over myself and grab my purse and my keys.

Crap. I almost forgot my phone again.

I double-back for it and head for the bus stop. When I get seated, I pull my phone out and send a text to Crystal.

I smile to myself as I let out a breath, catching the passing city view in the bus window beside me. Maybe I am normal. I don’t know why…but I feel like today is going to be a really good day. I look down at my phone when I feel another vibration and see one of my online friends from the true crime forum texted the group chat.

What? Already?

I click on the link, and immediately I see the face of a man at the top of the news article.

Holy shit. No way. No fucking way!

Man, Samuel Green, found dead in his apartment building. Police suspect that the assailant is “The Hangman,” a local serial⁠—

I knew it. I knew I was right. Every hour and late night I spent plotting and researching has not been for nothing. Samuel Green is a one-off for him, and he only does those right before he switches his pattern. And next on his wheel…

Crap! That’s right! He must be worried the police are catching up to him, so he’s rushing some of the killings now so that he can figure out what to do next.

Wait…if that’s what he’s doing, then is he going to do another quickly?

I have to spend some time preparing today. If he really is panicking and changing his pacing all of a sudden, then I don’t have a lot of time left. I can maybe figure out the following victim again if I miss this one…but it isn't a guarantee. I’m sure of this next one, though. If I don’t find him, it’ll take months to get ahead of him again, if I even can.

It’s settled.

The bus finally reaches my stop, and I head out and then into the tall building,

“Hi, I’m here for Mrs. Benedict,” I say with a smile to the receptionist. She nods and tells me she’s ready for me. I walk over to the wooden door, and knock.

“Ah, Layla, you’re early,” my therapist says with a smile as she opens her office door for me.

I walk in, heading to my usual spot on the couch. “Yeah, I was looking forward to updating you!”

“Oh?”

“I finally did it. I bit the bullet and…I bought a vibrator and I used it.”

“Wow, that’s amazing to hear! I really want you to know your sexual health starts with your mind first, being able to feel open again to pleasure is a huge accomplishment.”

I nod, letting out a relieved sigh. “Yeah, I…guess it was hard. I kind of made myself do it at first. But now I’m happy I did. I think I had built it up so much in my head that it became scary.”

“Sometimes we have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone. It’s hard, but to build your way through trauma you’re going to be uncomfortable. You’re going to be scared. That’s totally okay. Even if you end up needing more time, that’s okay too.”

“It’s just…um, I guess I…have a reason. I mean, there’s a guy I kind of like.” Is that even a good way to describe him? A guy I like? Because that doesn’t even seem worthy.

“Really? You haven’t mentioned him before,” she says as she changes her posture to a more comfortable position.

“Yeah…it’s just that, before, I didn’t think there was a chance. I mean he’s—” I pause as I look around trying to think. “He’s someone I met online! So you know, we haven’t met yet. I just wanted to feel better before I met him.”

“Well, ‘feeling better’ is a pretty broad statement. We’ve talked about not using those, because I don’t want you to think that there’s something wrong with you.”

“I know! I just mean, I want to enjoy it. Him. Like, I want to experience the whole, ‘girl meets boy and they fall in love,’ thing for once in my life.” I realize I sound a little crazy after I say it, but I don’t care. Maybe that is what I expect. I know the moment I’m across from him, I’ll feel all those amazing things swirling inside of me.

“Well, do you plan to meet soon?” she asks.

“Yes…we actually might be meeting tonight.”

“That’s soon,” she says, surprised.

“I think it’s time. It’s been a long time for me, at least.” Not technically a lie.

“Well…don’t rush yourself. It’s easy to fall into letting others decide the pace because it’s easier, but you are the one who decides that.”

I nod along as she goes on. I agree…and I understand her. She always knows the “right” thing to say. But I don’t want to think about the pace or where we’re at. I just want to be around him, know him, feel him, and let everything happen naturally. I want to see what happens without feeling restricted because of my trauma.

I feel relieved when the timer goes off, and I eagerly stand up from my seat. “Thank you, I’ll…see you next week?”

“Well, maybe we should talk sooner. I can pencil you in my schedule for a call tomorrow, that way maybe you can work out some of your feelings after tonight?

I agree and thank her again, giving her a smile as I walk out of her office door and exit the building.

Ugh.

I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. I’m not even sure what I’ll tell Crystal. Can I really just keep it a secret? Maybe it’s better if I don’t tell anyone until he’s ready. Then I can introduce him as my boyfriend and… “God! I need to relax!” I say out loud as I cover my giant smile with my hand.

It’s fine. Breathe. One step at a time. I’m going to do my best to not be too eager when I meet him. I know he needs time to get to know me first to see how he feels.

But…on the flip side of that, I also wanna get my feelings across to him too. How the heck can I do that without scaring him off?

Maybe he can’t be scared off. He’s surely not scared of much, right? So maybe he won’t mind. Ah, I just can’t wait to see his face after all this time.

My phone rings loudly and I answer. “Crys!”

“Hey! I was watching your location and noticed you left therapy, so I called.”

“Stalker, much?” I giggle.

“Yeah, yeah. You know I always watch where you go. You make me anxious taking the bus everywhere. God knows what could happen. Anyway, you’re off today so why don’t we hang out? Maybe go shopping so we can find something to wear for your birthday?”

“Oh…um I can’t today,” I say as I reach the bus stop.

“What? Why?”

“I…have plans?” Well, I kind of have to lie, right?! I mean I can’t just say, ‘I have plans to stake out a convicted sex offender’s home, hoping a serial killer shows up.’

“Uh…I have a date! I totally forgot to tell you! I mean, with that guy from work who keeps asking, remember?” I say quickly, hoping she believes me as I take my seat on the bus. I’m an awful liar.

“Clark? The one you said you’re not interested in?”

“Yeah…maybe I need to give him a chance.”

“Well, I’m happy to see you going out but I hope he didn’t pressure you. Seriously Layla, it’s okay to tell people no.”

“No! It’s fine I swear. It might even be fun. I think I’m going to wear that shirt you got me last year, too.”

Crystal sighs into the phone, almost sounding relieved. “Well, fine. But you’re not getting away easy, okay? I demand you tell me every detail tomorrow. I’m busy but I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Okay, talk to you then!”

“Please be safe!”

I hang up and sigh. Ugh. I hate lying to everyone. I feel like a terrible person. Eventually, once everything comes to fruition and has time to settle, I can tell them. I just know that everyone is going to try to talk me out of this, and I have to avoid losing the little bit of confidence I have.

I know I’m crazy. I know I’m being reckless, and maybe I’m a little bit hopeful. But something deep down inside me is saying that this is right. That he is right. And I’m trying really hard to start listening to those feelings and not ignore them.

I refuse to live my life thinking what if constantly. I already spent years being silenced and repressed and now I can do anything I want. Right?

As I finally make it back to my apartment and close my door behind me, I take a deep breath. Okay, Layla. This is it. Tonight is the night. Holyshit. What am I gonna wear to this mission? I panic and rush to my dresser—it isn’t long until the room is covered in clothes I’ve tossed around.

I need to look…mysterious, but approachable. Maybe not as colorful as I usually am and…maybe tighter clothes? Oh! I finally have an excuse to wear those black boots!

“This will do,” I say as I stare at myself in the mirror. I picked something full black and a bit tight but covered. I think it’s sexy enough and…maybe he’ll be impressed that I look like someone who knows how to break into a house?

Crap. How do I break into a house? Will I even have to? Do I just stand outside and wait for him?

I pull out my phone, sending a quick message to my forum group chat.

My phone dings from one of the girls, but it isn’t in the group chat.

Weird. I wonder why she would privately text me.

She doesn’t talk much in the chat anymore, but she was one of the girls who used to help me brainstorm when I expressed how badly I wanted to find him. But nowadays, she seems to be too busy for the chat. The chat dings again, and I decide not to reply to her right now.

I finish grabbing what I need, and head for the door, stopping at my little mirror there as I make sure my hair looks perfect and my lip gloss isn’t messy.

Okay, Mr. Hangman. I’m coming to find you.