Chapter 22 - The Husband I Buried

Now

When I got home from the support group, a blue sedan was parked in my driveway. My hand went instinctively to the mace in my pocket as I approached the door. Whoever it was, I’d be ready.

Then the driver’s door opened and Carl stepped out, holding a wriggling bundle. My stomach relaxed a little. I’d completely forgotten I’d asked him to pick up the pup.

‘Carl. Sorry I’m late.’

He shrugged. ‘No problem. She was getting restless in the car earlier, so I let her out for a run.’

I held out a hand and she sniffed at it, tail wagging like she remembered me. I scooped her up, feeling her warmth against my chest. ‘Hey, girl,’ I said.

I walked her inside and set her down, her tiny paws scuttling across the floor. Carl leaned awkwardly against the doorframe. ‘Carmen . . . she thought I was your husband for a minute there.’ He laughed as if that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

My eyes widened, just as shocked as he was. Then I broke into a grin. ‘I won’t tell Michael if you don’t.’

He laughed at the mention of his partner. ‘You better not. He’s the jealous type.’

I smiled. I’d met Michael a few times and he was definitely not the jealous type.

‘What are you going to call her?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Legal Beagle?’

Carl laughed. ‘You’re joking, right?’

‘Ally McBeagle?’

Carl looked confused, as if he didn’t understand the reference. Everyone knew that show, right?

Ugh. My dad had watched old reruns of Ally McBeal, and at some point, I started watching too. It was one of the reasons I decided to be a lawyer, but maybe Carl had missed out by half a generation.

The beagle sniffed around, before taking off through the house.

I found her with her nose buried in a pile of Luis’s clothes I couldn’t bring myself to throw out. Sometimes, I held them, trying to find a way to feel close to him.

I quickly shoved them away, embarrassed.

My phone auto-synced and started the podcast I’d been listening to earlier.

‘Hey, that’s Final Justice, right? I love that podcast.’

Well, at least that closed the generation gap a little. ‘I love how they end each season discussing how things turned out after the trial.’

Carl scratched the puppy behind the ears. ‘You could call her Justice,’ he suggested.

‘Justice.’ It sounded so grown up for a little pup. ‘Just-tice.’

‘Or . . . Just Tess?’

The puppy gave a little yip that sounded like she was testing what noises she could make, and pressed into Carl’s hand, reminding him to keep petting her.

‘Tess,’ I said, trying out the name. It fit her perfectly. She barked again. ‘I think she likes it.’

Carl was rubbing the back of his neck, like he needed to sit. ‘Did you want a drink or something?’ I asked, finding my keys to open the door.

‘No. It’s getting late, and I want to get in early tomorrow to keep going through those files.’

I nodded, slightly relieved. I was too tired for guests tonight.

Carl watched me for a moment, as if guessing at the weight I’d been carrying. ‘I get it,’ he said softly. ‘You know, losing someone . . . it’s like you’re waiting for someone to tell you it’s not real so you can go back to your life. Your real life. You have to let yourself feel it, to get used to him being gone. You’ll get there in your own time.’

‘You lost someone?’ I said. It was obvious by the way he spoke.

‘My mom.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It was a long time ago. I was just a kid.’ He looked at Tess. ‘It gets easier. Eventually.’

I nodded. ‘I hope so. I hadn’t been to the grief support group in weeks, but I went tonight.’ I sighed. Continued. ‘I went because I thought I saw Luis on the train.’

Carl perked up, finding his second wind. ‘What?’

‘It was him. Or someone who looked identical.’

‘Did you talk to him?’ he asked.

I smiled, grateful that his immediate reaction wasn’t that I was crazy.

‘I tried. I don’t think I was close enough. Maybe he didn’t hear me.’ A small tear escaped. Oh no.

To his credit, Carl wasn’t put off by the spectacle.

‘OK. Don’t take this the wrong way,’ he said. ‘I’m not saying he looks generic. Luis has classic good looks and whatever, but so do a hundred other guys. Maybe even a thousand.’ He shrugged sheepishly.

I laughed. ‘You’re right. There’s a bunch of hot guys out there who all look the same.’

‘Really. There are. Girls – and boys – swoon over every one of them. So, maybe you noticed one who looked like Luis, and you were . . . swooning?’

I laughed. ‘Did you just call me basic?’

Carl’s face fell. ‘No. Of course not. I’m just saying, maybe it was some other classically handsome guy who looked a lot like him,’ he joked.

I shook my head.

‘It sounds insane, but it was just . . . the feeling I got from him. He looked like Luis, but it was more than that. He was familiar. Do you know what I mean?’

‘Yeah,’ said Carl. ‘I think I do.’ He frowned. ‘So . . . what if you did see him? Is there any way we can find out? And why would he want everyone to think he’s dead if he’s alive?’

‘That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day.’

Carl thought about it before responding. ‘I mean, there was a body in the car, so someone didn’t make it out.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, what did the autopsy say?’

‘That he was driving faster than he should’ve been. Speeding. The model he was driving had a recall, but Luis must’ve missed it.’

‘So,’ said Carl, ‘they used the car to try and figure out what happened. The car went up in flames. And they couldn’t tell much about the body. The fire gutted the car. By the time they put it out, there wasn’t much left. So they assumed it was a fault.’

Carl’s point was clear.

A body found in his car. A recall of that model. Luis was dead. It was all there.

I let the words sink in, but my heart refused to accept them.

This didn’t need to feel reasonable to be real.

‘Hi, neighbor,’ said a voice, startling me.

Greg from next door was standing out front, eyeing Carl and I, not trying to hide his judgment of me having a man in the house. Stupidly, I’d only closed the screen door. I wanted to ask how archaic he was exactly, but it wasn’t worth it.

Carl waved uncomfortably.

‘Is this the new boyfriend?’ Greg asked, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

‘No, this is my work colleague. He was doing me a favor by collecting my dog.’

Greg pulled himself up to his full height, and looked at the sweet little puppy like she was a pest. ‘Well, I hope she doesn’t go digging holes in my garden.’

‘Wow,’ mouthed Carl, so that only I could see. ‘I’m going to get going,’ he said, louder, spurred on by my unfriendly neighbor.

We walked past Greg, onto the porch. I said goodbye and watched Carl drive away, but my mind was already drifting back to Luis.

‘Goodnight,’ I said to Greg, letting myself back inside and locking both doors.

I closed my eyes once I was inside and saw Luis in my memory, exactly how he’d been just months ago, smiling at something I’d said.

I thought about Evan’s warning at our grief support group. It sounded like he had been in the same situation. Like maybe he’d talked to Annette, but hadn’t got the response he’d hoped for.

There had been an intensity to his words that told me not to discredit them. I wished I could have talked to him more about it.

He might not want to be found. He might not be who he used to be.

I didn’t know anything about Evan and Annette. Maybe they didn’t have a good relationship, and she didn’t want to see him.

But Evan was right about something. Even if I found Luis, it didn’t mean things would be like they were before . . .

I made my decision then and there.

Tomorrow, I would keep searching.