Chapter 5: Cora - The Foster Child

It’s been a pleasant evening but I find it hard to sleep. Meeting Violet again has brought back so many memories and made me feel guilty all over again. It wasn’t my decision. I had tried to keep her. And Dale had been right. Lori had to come first. But that doesn’t keep the memories from haunting me.

As I lie there in the dark, listening to the soft sound of Elliot’s breathing, I think back to fourteen years ago, when Violet came into our lives.

* * *

We started fostering with such high hopes. Lori had been begging for a sister or brother for years but unfortunately Lori’s birth was a difficult one and I can’t have any more children. I was devastated at first, we’d both said that we wanted at least two, but Dale hugged me, assured me that he didn’t mind and said we had to be grateful that we had one healthy child.

We both adored Lori. Dale was besotted with her, nothing was too much trouble for him, he would do anything to make her happy. We made sure that she mixed with other children and always allowed her to have friends back to play with, but we could see that Lori was lonely. She begged us for a sister or brother and we tried to explain that we couldn’t have any more children but she didn’t seem to understand. It upset me that my little daughter was so lonely.

Then I saw an advert for foster parents and it seemed the perfect solution. We would be helping out another child while providing our own daughter with company. It took Dale a little while to come around to the idea, but I managed to persuade him, pointing out how lonely Lori was. She was so bubbly and chatty when she was with other children and seemed so bored at home by herself. ‘She needs company,’ I told Dale and eventually he agreed so we started the process.

I don’t think either of us expected it to be so difficult. There was a long vetting procedure. Finally we were accepted and when Lori was six Violet came to live with us. She was three years older than Lori, which we thought was a good age gap, an older sister to play with, who could take Lori under her wing.

Lori was so happy to have a big sister and the girls got on very well. Violet seemed like a kind, helpful girl and was great with Lori, playing with her, teaching her things. She climbed into Lori’s bed at night to listen as I read a bedtime story and they often played together in Lori’s bedroom.

Violet was always eager to help around the house too, tidying up and washing up cups without being asked. We hadn’t been told much about her home situation, only that her parents were struggling to care for her and were looking for a full-time foster home maybe even adoption. Dale and I talked about it and decided that if it all worked out, we’d offer Violet a permanent home. We were a happy little family, at first. I was pleased that we’d brought Violet into our lives.

Then, after a couple of months I noticed that Lori had grown wary around Violet. She kept shutting herself away in her room to play by herself. Dale and I both tried talking to her, asking her if Violet had done anything to upset her, but she just shook her head and refused to meet our eyes. We tried talking to Violet too, but she swore that she had no idea what was wrong with Lori and suggested that she might be being bullied at school.

There was definitely something going on. Lori became even more quiet and withdrawn. She started wetting the bed, waking up having nightmares, spending hours alone in her room. She and Violet no longer played together, whenever Violet asked her to play Lori shook her head, gazing down at her feet. She even said that she didn’t want a bedtime story anymore – I’m sure because she didn’t want Violet to join in. When Violet entered the room, Lori seemed to shrink into herself, she wouldn’t make eye contact and replied in monosyllables. Dale and I were very worried about her.

Then Lori’s headteacher sent a message that she wanted to talk to us, urgently. Dale couldn’t make it, he had an HR meeting, but I was a school secretary in a city high school and the head agreed for me to come in an hour later, so I went to the meeting alone.

‘We’re extremely worried about Lori,’ Miss Armitage said, resting her forearms on the desk and leaning forward. ‘Her teacher told me that Lori said she isn’t happy at home. She doesn’t feel safe.’

I swallowed, my heart pounding. My darling little daughter didn’t feel safe in her own home. Things were worse that I realised. Dale and I had been worried about our little girl for a while and now the school was too.

We both tried to persuade Lori to tell us what was wrong but she clammed up. I knew she must have been terribly unhappy to confide in her teacher like that.

A couple of days later I found a folded-up note under Lori’s pillow. I opened it and my hand trembled as I read what was written there in Lori’s childish scrawl:

I don’t want Violet to live with us. I’m scared. I want my mummy and daddy to love me again.

I sank back down, tears filling my eyes. What had been going on?

When I told Dale that evening, he insisted that we contact the social worker and send Violet back. It was heartbreaking.

Despite what was going on with Lori, I’d become very fond of Violet. She seemed to be thriving in our care, and part of me felt that I should be able to fix this, make it work. But our own child was struggling.

‘Our first responsibility is to Lori,’ Dale insisted. ‘This could cause her mental health issues that she’ll struggle with all her life. Home is meant to be the place where you feel safe, and Lori doesn’t.’ He shook his head, his voice tight. ‘This is exactly why I was concerned about fostering in the first place. Lori is a very sensitive little girl and is obviously frightened of Violet.’

So this was on me. I was the one who pushed the idea of fostering, wanting Lori to have the sibling I couldn’t provide her with. And I was the one who had suggested going for a child a little older so that Lori would still be the baby of the family.

We called the social worker and explained what had happened. Then we sat Violet down and told her that we were very sorry, but we couldn’t foster her any longer. Tears filled her eyes but she held her head high, as if she was determined not to let us know how hurt she was. I tried to hug her, to explain, but she pushed me away and went to her room. When she left the next day she refused to say goodbye to any of us. She didn’t even look back as she walked out with the social worker.

My heart broke for her.

Thankfully Lori went back to her normal, happy self when she realised that Violet had gone and was never coming back.

But the look in Violet’s eyes haunted me for a long time.

I couldn’t help feeling bad that we’d let her down. I hated the thought of her going back to the children’s home. But what could I do? Lori had to come first. And I had to admit that life was easier without Violet. Lori seemed to blossom overnight, going back to her happy, chatty former self, the bedwetting stopped, her schoolwork picked up.

‘We made the right decision,’ Dale said.

I knew that he was right. Gradually as the years passed the guilt eased. Although I often wondered what had happened to Violet.

* * *

And now here she is, back in my life. She and Lori seemed to get on well tonight, it’s probably all a distant memory to them. Maybe this is my chance to make up for not being able to give Violet the support she needed when she was younger. She was a disturbed child back then, it’s no wonder she acted as she did. She must have felt no one cared about her.

Perhaps now things will be different.