Chapter 14 - The Life That Mattered

Two years later …

Governor Graham Porter.

It’s not that I didn’t think he’d get elected. Money and influence mattered. No one had more money and influence than the Porters. Hoped … that was a better word. I’d hoped that he would choose a different path, more for Lila’s sake than his wellbeing.

“He asked me to quit my job.” Lila helped me package the bars of soap in my lab, and by helped, I meant she did it while I sat on one stool with my feet up on another stool because they were achy and swollen.

Three weeks to go until my due date. A boy … we were having a boy, just like Ronin wanted. A boy then a girl.

“He married you.” I thought back to the day of their wedding and the situation I encountered that would forever be burned into my memory.

What Graham said to Lila.

The bloody shrill of her screaming his name.

“But in spite of anything he’s ever said to you, he doesn’t own you. Not your decisions and not your job.”

He didn’t own her ass either (without permission and lube), but I didn’t go there.

With her back to me, she continued packaging the bars of soap. I didn’t feel bad letting her do all the work. My little lab was a sanctuary for her. She visited when she needed a time-out from life. There was something therapeutic about making soaps and turning herbs into essential oils. Maybe the scents that infiltrated the air calmed her. They always calmed me.

“When he’s happy, I’m happy. That’s not wrong, is it?”

I thought about her words for a bit before answering. “No. It’s not wrong unless he can’t say the same thing about you. It’s beautiful that you feel so connected to his happiness, that it fulfills something in your own life. I feel that way about Ronin. But I know he feels the same way about me. Hell, that’s one of the reasons we’re even married. He was a carefree bachelor who loved to travel the world, living job to job. I was a game changer for him. He wanted to be with me and share in my life and my happiness more than he wanted to continue down that same uninterrupted path. My happiness matters to him.”

“I’m happy.” She shrugged.

“You haven’t quit your job. If you quit tomorrow, will you be able to say the same thing in six months? And if you quit, are you doing it because it’s what you want or what Graham wants?”

“Both. I told you. He said it would make him happy to have me experience this with him, being by his side like a partner. He’s serving the people. He has the opportunity to do great things and make a difference. Why wouldn’t I want to do this with him?”

I chuckled. “I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you? And for the record, Lila, it’s me. You can speak freely. You can be selfish. It’s not wrong to choose your dreams over public service. I make soaps. Sure, they keep people clean, but I’m not exactly saving lives, feeding the hungry, or housing the homeless. Should I feel bad about that?”

“Maybe.” She turned toward me, leaning against the counter. Her lips turned up into a small grin. “Maybe you could do more, Evie.”

The wheels in my head spun because our conversation punched me in the gut with a solid dose of reality. I needed to do more. Maybe plant a tree for every gift box I sold. Or for every bar of soap someone purchased, I could donate a bar of soap. Something … I needed to do something that felt bigger than myself or my customers. The ski patrol discount (yes, that happened) wasn’t enough.

“You’re right. I’m going to do more. But I’m not going to close my shop to do it. I love my shop and my customers. I love what I do. So I’m going to figure out a way to do more by using what I love as a vehicle for change. Maybe you could do something with your job.”

“Graham wants us to work together. And he’s governor now. He doesn’t have an engineering degree.”

“But he owns businesses. You could work together in a way that incorporates both of your strengths—”

“Evie …” Lila smiled, easing her head side to side. “I appreciate where you’re trying to go with this. It’s why we’re best friends. But I’m okay with changing directions in my life. Graham won’t be governor forever. This is where our lives have taken us right now. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to seize the opportunity to use my new position to make a difference.”

She made it sound so right. I just wasn’t sure if those words were truly hers or regurgitated from Graham’s mouth.

“Then I support your decision … unless the next thing you’re going to tell me is that you won’t have time for me or to be an aunt to this little baby boy in my belly.”

“Don’t be saying stupid shit like that. You know I’m going to take every opportunity to spoil my nephew.”

“But are you going to give your nephew a cousin?” I tilted my head to the side.

Lila’s brow tensed a bit, just for a second, but I didn’t miss it. “Eventually.” She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I think Graham would die if I got pregnant now.”

“Why would you say that? He’s ecstatic about this little guy coming soon.” I rubbed my belly.

Lila’s gaze shifted to my hand. “Because that little guy won’t wake him up in the middle of the night or demand my attention. Graham likes things a certain way right now.” She laughed. It was an odd laugh. Maybe a sad laugh? Definitely a dark sarcasm. “If I’m honest, I might be quitting my job just to take care of him.”

“He can wipe his own ass like a big boy. Don’t be ridiculous. Do I need to have a talk with him? It’s been a while since I put him in his place. Sometimes, Graham needs a kick in the teeth to bring him back in balance and remind him that he’s not the center of the universe no matter what sort of entitlement his parents bestowed upon him.”

“He’s done a lot for you. I’m not sure kicking a gift horse in the teeth is a good idea.” Lila lifted a single eyebrow.

My parents … I would never be free from everything Graham did to help my parents through their health issues. My dad had a working kidney, and my mom was cancer free with her eyes focused on remission. But that wasn’t everything. Graham owned the building where I had my business. Not because it was a great investment on his part; he did it to keep Clean Art in its spot, to prevent the original owner from tearing down the building.

“So …” I blew out a long breath. “Governor’s wife. Ambassador to all things great for the state of Colorado. You must be so excited.”

A grin crawled up her face, finally reaching her eyes. “Yes. I’m going to change the world. Or at least do good for 5.6 million people in the world. Anyway, I have to get back. Graham wants me showered and ready for bed by seven tonight since he doesn’t have any meetings.”

“Showered and ready for bed? Seriously? Is that his way of scheduling sex with his wife?”

Lila pulled on her white wool coat. It screamed expensive. It made her look rich and very important—even if beneath it she wore leggings and an old sweatshirt. “He’s busy all the time. If something’s not on his schedule, then it doesn’t exist. I’m fine with it. At least it’s …” She rubbed her lips together as if she had said too much. Her gaze focused on her leather handbag and her phone that she dug out of the side pocket.

“It’s what?”

“Nothing. The plane is ready. My driver is out front. I have to run.” She kissed me on the cheek while resting a hand on my belly. “Give Ronin a big hug for me.”

“Elbow Graham in the ribs for me,” I shouted after she was already halfway to the door.

* * *

Two weeks later, we made our way to the hospital’s birth center at three in the morning after a sleepless night of contractions. My midwife told me to relax at home. There was no need to labor at the birth center any more than absolutely necessary. Still … this was our first child. We were a little nervous and a lot anxious. I’d heard too many stories about not making it to the hospital in time. And while I loved Ronin and trusted him with my life, it was early March in Colorado, and I didn’t want to have our baby in the back of a car.

“Call my mom and Lila.” I tugged on Ronin’s sleeve as he helped me follow the nurse to our room. My contractions were less than four minutes apart and lasting close to a minute. And they hurt. A LOT!

“I already did. They’re on their way.”

“We should have called them earlier. They’re going to miss it.”

“Maybe. But we won’t miss it. At least I’m not going to miss it. I don’t know what your plans are.”

The nurse giggled at Ronin’s remark.

To say we called it close was an understatement. By the time we made it to the room, my contractions were a minute apart, and I had a strong urge to push.

“Push whenever your body feels ready.” My midwife pulled on a pair of gloves as the nurse and Ronin helped me out of my clothes and into the soft birthing gown Lila bought me.

I cringed after a contraction that left me doubled over in Ronin’s arms. “I can’t push. It hurts too much.”

The midwife chuckled as Ronin helped me into the bed. The nurse suggested I relax in the tub a bit, but I just wanted to lie down as soon as possible.

“Look at me.” Ronin brushed my hair away from my face after I grimaced through another contraction.

I saw it … that look. He was going to say it.

“No. Don’t you dare say it.” I grabbed his shirt to hold him close to me, stressing my point.

He loved me. Why wouldn’t I just let him say it? Well, we’d gone over two years without saying the actual words. We said it with a look and a hundred other words strung together. But mostly we said it with a touch. Our bodies said it for us when he lost himself inside of me and when I found shelter in his arms.

It wasn’t our rainy day. Not yet.

The fact that it had been two years made it even more special, like an aging wine. One day, we would open that bottle, and it would be something very special to be savored.

“I wasn’t going to say it.” He grinned. “I was going to tell you that you have to push. I want to meet our son. He’s mine too. You’ve kept him to yourself long enough. It’s my turn. Give me my turn.”

Only Ronin could make me laugh during such physical pain. “Franz will be a mama’s boy. You know this, right?”

He kissed my lips, and as I started to moan with pain, he moved his mouth to my cheek while stroking my hair. Then he brushed his lips against my ear. “I love Franz with my entire being, as I do his mother.”

Sneaky … he snuck that in there without pointing the words directly at me. Real sneaky.

“It hurts!”

The midwife remained in chill mode with a smile on her face and her soothing voice repeatedly reminding me to “open up.” It’s not like I was trying to close my vagina. It didn’t have an actual door with hinges. It was like trying to put a toddler’s sock on an adult’s foot. Sure … it could possibly stretch that far, but probably not without tearing it. And the sock would never be the same.

However, as I knew in the rational part of my brain, my body was designed to do this. Eventually, it wasn’t up to me. I couldn’t not push anymore. When I made peace with that little biological phenomenon, Franz Benedict Alexander came into the world weighing six pounds, seven ounces.

Franz was Ronin’s German grandfather’s name, which had plenty of perfect meanings like Frenchman and free.

Benedict was my grandfather’s name, the lumberjack who built my home.

Lots of solid testosterone in our son’s name.

“He’s perfect, Evie …” Ronin almost made it. Almost …

A single tear escaped as he kissed Franz’s tiny head while I cradled him in my arms.

My tears were too many to count. A million was my best guess.

The midwife and nurse meandered around the room doing post-delivery things to me and Franz without actually taking him from my arms. Within minutes, a lactation consultant joined us to make sure he attached to his food source.

Everything … everything was perfect.

Several hours later, we had company, just family—my parents and grandma and Lila and Graham. Ronin’s parents were scheduled to arrive in two days. Franz insisted on coming out a week early just to mess up their plans of being there for the birth.

“Evelyn.” My mom tried to cry even more tears than I had cried. She wanted to live long enough to meet at least one grandchild.

I had no doubt she would live to meet all of her grandchildren and maybe a few of her great-grandchildren. My mom embodied the true meaning of strength and perseverance.

“Meet your first grandson, Franz.” After being alert for two hours following the birth and eating like a champ, he had drifted off to sleep in Ronin’s arms.

With a bit of reluctance, Ronin handed our son over to my mom. God, I loved how he instantly bonded with Franz. It made me fall for him all over again. It made those three unspoken words multiply with meaning and emotion.

“Congratulations. He’s beautiful.” Lila kissed my head and squeezed my hand as she looked adoringly … maybe even longingly at Franz.

“Thank you.” I squeezed her hand back.

“Congrats,” Graham mumbled without looking up from his phone screen. He wore a gray suit and perfectly knotted tie. The reality of his new position hit me for the first time as I glanced at his security detail stationed by the door.

“How’s the new job?” Ronin asked Graham, resting his hand on Graham’s shoulder.

He took two seconds away from his phone to smile at Ronin, which was more than he gave me—his friend of more than a decade.

“Good. I feel pulled in a million directions.” He glanced back down at his screen.

“Nice of you to come, Governor Graham Cracker.” That finally brought his attention to me.

He smirked. “Governor Porter to you.”

“I would never invite a politician to visit my newborn son just hours after delivery. So you’d better have more to offer than a smirk and starchy suit and tie.” I held out my hand.

Graham sighed, relinquishing his phone to the inside pocket of his jacket before taking my hand and giving me a hug. “Are you still taking care of our Lila?” I whispered in his ear.

He pulled back a few inches, inspecting me with slightly narrowed eyes. “Yes. What are you getting at?” Graham glanced over his shoulder at Lila who had her attention focused on Franz.

My question held no implication other than a simple reminder that I gave him Lila. Yes. That was how I remembered things. I just wanted to make sure that Governor Porter hadn’t forgotten that his most important job was loving my best friend. The greatest gift anyone had ever given him came from me. I gave him Lila.

“What?” Lila caught his gaze on her. Then she looked at me with confusion on her face.

“Just making sure Governor Porter is treating his First Lady like the queen she is.” I winked at Lila.

She didn’t wink back.

He didn’t show any emotion. Instead, he released my hand and fished his phone out of his pocket again. “Ten minutes, then we have to go,” he said to Lila.

I waited for her to roll her eyes or tell him there was no way they were leaving in ten minutes. They just got there. Who flies to Aspen for a ten-minute visit?

She didn’t roll her eyes.

She didn’t argue.

“Okay.” She returned an emotionless nod to Graham before shooting me the most pathetic fake smile I had ever seen.

Like I had done so many times before, I thanked god I didn’t end up with Graham. I wasn’t submissive enough to live under his shadow of control. I didn’t think Lila was either. I thought she would complement him, put him in his place, and build him up when he needed to exert his independence from his family. Since his family liked her, I thought she was the perfect person to do that.

Maybe I was wrong.