Chapter 18 - The Life That Mattered

“I’m nervous. That’s crazy. Right? Why should I be nervous about lunch with my best friend? Well, other than the fact that I’m taking two young children with me, and we won’t actually get to talk that much.” I brushed through my hair and applied moisturizer to my face while Ronin finished showering.

I rarely woke up as early as he did on his early days, but I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about lunch with Lila, and Ronin tossed and turned all night.

“See if Sue can watch them,” he mumbled, grabbing a towel and rubbing it over his wet head.

That body of his … it never got old. Sure, he had a little gray working its way into his hair and beard when he let it grow, but he kept the rest of his body looking like it did the day we met.

Perfect.

“I should wake up early … before the kids … and watch you shower more often.” I waltzed toward him, sliding my hands around his waist to curl my fingers into the hard flesh of his backside while licking water rivulets off his chest.

“Evie …” He dropped the towel from his head, giving me a painful grimace, his voice weak, his body slightly slumped.

“Not in the mood? No time?” I smirked. “I can be quick.”

My smile vanished as he stumbled a few steps to the side, grabbing the counter for support. Then it hit me. He didn’t sing. In the shower, he hadn’t sung a single note.

“Ronin!” I tried to grab him and slide an arm around his waist to support him, but he was nearly twice my size. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Blinking his eyes heavily, breaths shallow, he shook his head. “I think I’m getting the flu. Several other people at work have had it.” His words slurred together in two weak phrases like it took all the energy out of him to say them.

“Bed. Now.” I forced him to drape an arm around my shoulder as we stumbled to the bed before he collapsed and took me down with him. He plopped one arm over his forehead, completely out of breath, while his other arm and one leg dangled from the side of the bed.

“How bad is this? And don’t lie to me. Should I call an ambulance?” It had been years since the incident in his condo that led to a trip to the hospital and no diagnosis or one single clue as to why he seemed to be dying one minute and completely fine the next.

“No ambulance,” he murmured as I tucked his arm and leg into bed. Then I grabbed a pair of briefs and worked them up his legs. He could barely lift his lower body to help me get them up all the way.

“Roe …” I whispered with my heart aching in my chest, a boulder of fear swelling in my throat as I kneeled on the bed beside him.

“I’m fine …” Without opening his eyes, he pawed for my hand, grabbing it and giving it a squeeze—a weak squeeze.

“I don’t believe you.” I kissed the back of his hand.

“Well…” he stifled a grunt as he rolled on his side toward me, peeling open his eyes “…you should.”

I pressed my body to his as if I needed to keep him warm with it. “Why?”

“Because I’m your husband.”

“And I’m your wife. I’d like to stay your wife instead of becoming a widow.”

“I’m not dying, Evie. Can’t I be sick like everyone else?”

“No.” I kissed his chest and grinned. “You’re a god. You’re my god. Strong. Immortal.”

“I was immortal before I met you.” He pressed his lips to the top of my head and left them there. “You and the kids have weakened me, taken huge chunks of my heart.” He paused for a few breaths. “Now I second-guess shit and worry about things like choking on grapes and exposed electrical sockets.”

“I’m calling Lila and rescheduling our lunch.”

“Nah-uh.” He slid his hand to my hip. It felt like deadweight resting there. “You’re calling Sue to see if she can watch the kids so you can have a relaxing lunch with Lila. And I …” he released a slow breath. “I’m going to sleep while my body fights this off.”

“It’s her day off.”

“She’ll watch them.”

She would. I knew it. But I still hated to ask. Sue was Soapy Sophie’s mom and a retired schoolteacher. Sophie hooked us up with her after Franz became mobile and I could no longer keep him confined to a carrier or bouncy seat at the shop. Saponification with a toddler running around wasn’t exactly easy.

“Fine. But I’m going to ask her to come here to watch them.”

“No. I need my rest.”

“Well, I need to know that you’re not dying while I’m having lunch with Lila. That’s my final offer.”

“Offer accepted,” he whispered.

* * *

We met for lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant. Lila arrived first, sipping a glass of chardonnay when I arrived.

“Hi.” Her sad and apologetic smile made me completely melt. One look was all it took for me to recognize my friend again. She stood and we hugged. “I’m sorry.”

Releasing her, I shook my head while sliding into the other side of the spacious booth by the window. “Don’t apologize. I’m to blame as well. My emotions have been all over the place since my mom’s cancer returned. And then this morning, Ronin about collapsed getting out of the shower, which immediately sent me back to the time I had to call an ambulance before we got married.”

“Oh my gosh! Is he okay?” She sat up a little straighter.

“I … I don’t know. I think it’s just the flu or some normal sickness. Sue is at the house, watching the kids and keeping an eye on him.”

“Who’s Sue?”

I bit my tongue, taking in a slow breath. Lila was right. I didn’t know her life anymore. And clearly she didn’t know mine either. “She’s Sophie’s mom. Franz’s and Anya’s babysitter.” She’d only been helping me out for years. Why would I expect my best friend to know this?

Lila nodded just before taking another sip of wine. “Well, let me know if Ronin doesn’t get better soon. I want to help.”

I reached across the table and rested my hand on her hand as she fiddled with the cloth napkin. “I want to help too. What do you need? What can I do to help with some of your stress?”

Grunting a laugh, she rolled her eyes. “You have a business to run, two young children, and a sick mother. I don’t need your help. Really.”

“How’s your marriage?”

“My marriage?” She laughed. “What do you mean?”

The waitress interrupted to take my drink order. I splurged on a midday glass of wine as well.

“I mean, are you still hopelessly in love? Do you find time to be alone? Have private conversations … have sex?”

Lila blinked at the flickering candle in the middle of the table. “Hopelessly in love,” she echoed my words. “Sure.”

“Wow, what a confident answer.”

“Are you? Can you honestly say after two kids, jobs, and family issues that you’re still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship?” Lila canted her head, eyes narrowed in question.

“Yes. We’re still madly in love. We still can’t get enough of each other. Sure, making love gets a little monotonous when we’re trying to get a quiet quickie in between kids waking up and coming into our room. But when we do get ten minutes alone and know the kids won’t be interrupting, we still relentlessly screw like it’s a sport and we’re the best at it.”

Lila’s perfectly sculpted eyebrows climbed up her forehead. “I see. Well, lucky you for having the best of both worlds.”

“You don’t?”

She sipped more wine and then licked her lips. “No. I’m living the opposite life. It’s rare … basically nonexistent to make love with Graham. He’s very scheduled. He has certain needs. And my job is to meet those needs when it fits into his schedule. We don’t slowly make love at 11:00 p.m. I get fucked from behind while bent over his desk between appointments. I literally get summoned for this.

“It’s on his schedule as ‘executive time.’ And unbeknownst to me how she magically knows this, but my assistant is privy to what goes on during executive time because she waits outside with a cloth and spare pair of panties for me in her handbag. How embarrassing is that?”

I wrinkled my nose. “I guess I’d be happy that it was me … his wife … on his calendar for executive time instead of someone else.”

Lila ignored my comment; apparently, she found no humor in it. Really, I found no humor in it either. My hands twitched with the need to strangle Graham. What the hell was wrong with him? Loving Lila more didn’t involve screwing her like a job.

“Do you two ever discuss starting a family?”

Something ghosted across her face. A flicker that made my spine tingle.

“No.” She gave me a nervous smile.

It gripped my heart. Something wasn’t right.

“I mean …” She accompanied a nervous laugh with that awful smile. “He knows I don’t want to start a family while he’s still governor. And honestly, I’m not sure we’d be the best parents.”

“Lila …”

“Don’t.” She shook her head. “Don’t feel bad for me. We made this decision together. I wanted him to be governor as much as he did. I knew there would be sacrifices. I’ve made them, and I will continue to make them because it makes Graham happy. And isn’t that my job? To make him happy?”

“Um … no. We’ve had this conversation before. Why do you still think that?”

“Graham said it before we got married. He said we were going to live such an extraordinary life together. He said things would be easy for me; that all I had to do was keep him happy. Then he said I was already an expert at it. So basically, all I had to do was keep doing what I had been doing—what I loved doing.”

“I sense things didn’t go as planned.”

“I just don’t see him much. We don’t even share the same bedroom.”

“Wait … what?”

Lila shrugged. “He gets better sleep by himself. His parents haven’t slept in the same room for years. It’s really not that uncommon.”

“So … you have what? A booty-call in his office. That’s it?”

“Did you really want to spend time with me just to discuss my sex life?”

I rubbed my forehead. “No. I didn’t. I … I don’t know. Tell me something good that’s going on in your life. I need to know my friend is happy. I need to know I didn’t encourage you to marry the wrong man. You wanted kids. You always talked about having kids. So I just need to know that you’re not giving up your job and your dreams of having a family. If Graham loves you, and I honestly believe he does, then he will want to share your dreams not squash them.”

Lila traced the rim of her wine glass with her French manicured nail. “Had I not fallen in love with Graham, I wouldn’t have married him. My marriage and my happiness are not on you. It’s between Graham and me.”

“That’s fair.”

She could take all the credit for her relationship with Graham. I didn’t argue. I also knew I would always feel like the common bond between them in spite of her willingness to let me off the hook.

“Hate …” Lila’s lips twisted as she glanced up at me.

The waitress returned with my drink and took our order.

“Hate’s a pretty strong word, Evelyn. He finally told me what you said. What has Graham done personally to you to warrant your hatred?”

He made my best friend quit her job. And I felt pretty certain he put his political aspirations ahead of her dreams. More than that, I felt like he took her away from me. The marriage wasn’t supposed to replace our friendship. Since I couldn’t prove it, and Lila seemed headstrong on defending him and the direction of their relationship, I had to let it go.

“I’ll make it right.” For Lila … I would make it right for her.

“Thank you.” She smiled.

Right there.

That smile—the one that wasn’t the exuberant Lila smile I’d always known—that was the reason I knew Graham wasn’t keeping his promise. When you loved someone—truly loved them—you didn’t take their smile.

People with broken souls didn’t have real smiles. They grimaced from the broken pieces of their soul impaling their heart.

I didn’t think he actually broke her soul, but I felt certain he was suffocating it with his own selfishness.

“Franz and Anya,” Lila said.

I shifted my gaze to her. “What about them?”

“They’re something good in my life. And so are you and Ronin. And when Graham is Graham … not Governor Porter, he is something good in my life too.”

I held out my hand, and she reached across the table and rested her hand in it. With a single nod and my most sincere smile, I let her know that we were still us—and I would always have her back.

“We’re losing Mom.” Tears filled her eyes.

It was a late sentiment, but that was okay. I took it. I needed it. I needed to know that she had my back too.