Chapter 25 - The Life That Mattered

Evelyn

I knew I would never forget the look on Ronin’s face when he said those four words.

The pain.

The regret.

The love …

Without love, there can be no pain and regret.

Taking a step toward him, I smiled, resting my palm on his cheek. “Don’t you see what this means?”

He squinted, intensifying the anguish on his handsome face.

“It’s over. This curse is over. Lila lived. She’s getting better. You’re getting better.” Lifting onto my toes, I feathered my lips along his jaw to his ear. “You’re free,” I whispered.

“Evelyn.” He grabbed my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “It feels like a curse, but it’s not actually a curse.”

“You know what I mean.”

Ronin nodded. “Yes. I know what you mean, but you don’t know what I mean. Lila could still …”

I waited. There was no way I was going to say it for him. Lila wasn’t dying. She was getting stronger every day.

“I know you’re scared, baby.” I tried to infuse as much sympathy as possible into my voice.

Ronin had clearly been through a lot, not just from recent events, but during the span of most of his life. The accident he suffered as a child changed him. Even if I didn’t fully understand it, or wholeheartedly believed all of it, I stood by him. His physical pain and emotional suffering emanated from every inch of his body.

“Today Lila is alive. Today you are feeling better. You don’t need to prepare me for tomorrow or any day after that. How many times do I have to tell you I’m stronger than you think I am?”

“Evie …” He covered my hand with his and turned his head a fraction so his lips pressed to my palm. “You are the strongest person I know. But that will never stop me from dedicating every breath, every second, I have on this earth to keep you from having your heart broken. I said I’d hold our family together.”

I wrapped both arms around his neck. He leaned down instead of picking me up off my feet like he usually did when I hugged him. His vulnerability chipped away at my emotional armor. “We will hold our family together.”

“We …” he echoed me while wrapping his arms around my waist.

I slipped on my favorite—but rather weathered—brave face and sent Ronin home to spend time with the kids and his parents so I could finish setting up my displays. At least … that was my excuse.

After he made it across the street toward his car, I locked the shop door and stuck up our “Be back in 15 minutes” sign that we used in a pinch when only one person was manning the shop. Then I retreated to the back room to cry my eyes out.

Either my best friend was dying, or my husband was crazy.

* * *

Two weeks later, I drove to Denver to visit my mom and Lila. Mom seemed to have rebounded since the seizure. We ate lunch before I headed to Lila’s and Graham’s house. They rarely stayed at the governor’s mansion. It was subpar to the Porter estate, and no staff were provided. Lila needed help doing everything at the moment. She’d been released from the hospital that morning, so I was excited to see her and Graham.

“You look like you could use a manicure.” I peeked my head into her massive bedroom. Seriously, the ceiling was two stories with mammoth windows and lavish coverings, all imported from some place I couldn’t remember and hand-stitched by someone really important, also whom I couldn’t remember. My window coverings were from Target.

“Evie!” She grimaced for a split second, pushing herself up in bed.

I hugged her so tightly; I feared I might hurt her, but I couldn’t help it. After the accident and Ronin’s revelation two weeks earlier, it felt amazing to hug my best friend and see her on the mend. “You look good, so good.”

Lila gave me the stink eye as I climbed onto the other side of the bed, crossing my legs while facing her. “Really?” She pointed to her face. The four-inch gouge showed signs of mending nicely, but I realized all she saw was the potential scar. Graham brought in the best plastics guy to work on her face. I knew there wouldn’t be much of a scar after it completely healed.

“Yes, I see it. And I see you. And you’re alive! Please don’t focus on the little things that don’t matter.” I glanced around. “Where’s Graham Cracker?”

“D.C.”

“What?” I drew my head back.

Lila lifted her good shoulder. “He’ll be home in a few days. I have a gazillion people waiting on me and checking up on me.” She smirked. “Besides you. So it’s fine.”

“He’s your husband. No one replaces him. He should have been the one to bring you home. Who brought you home?”

“Fiona.”

“Your personal assistant? You mean his parents couldn’t even take it upon themselves to pick you up in Graham’s absence? Are you kidding me?”

“It’s fine, Evie. They’re out of town. Besides, Fiona is my friend. She’s become family of sorts.”

I wrinkled my nose, not out of jealousy. No. It was the memory of Lila telling me how Fiona would wait outside of Graham’s office with clean underwear and a cloth for Lila after Graham fucked her in his office. I knew what it was like to be that kind of friend to Lila, so it made me sad for her. Who wants to need that from a friend?

“I’m glad she was there for you. Had I known, I would have picked you up. I was visiting my mom this morning, but we both would have picked you up and brought you home. I just assumed it was Graham, and I didn’t want to step on his toes.”

“I’m alive.” She winked. “No need to focus on the little things that don’t matter, right?”

I shook my head, trying to fight back my grin. “Touché.”

Lila’s gaze shifted to my bag. “Did you seriously bring stuff to give me a manicure?”

“Yes.” I tipped my chin up. “And a pedicure.”

She chuckled. “You realize I can order that sort of pampering anytime I want it, right?”

I grabbed her hand and inspected her nails and the peeling red polish. “Yes. But I knew you wouldn’t do it today, so I jumped at the chance to go back twenty-five years to when we used to give each other manis and pedis.” Crawling off of the bed, I padded to the bathroom to find a few things. “I bet these are expensive towels, huh?” I ran some hot water.

“Of course,” Lila replied.

“Well, they’re going to get fucked-up today.” I returned with a wicked grin and fine linens to ruin with nail polish.

“Go for it. Graham has been extra nice to me since the accident. I don’t think he’ll sweat over towels.”

I wet a cotton swab with fingernail polish remover and scrubbed at her nails. “Graham should be extra nice to you every single day. That was the deal.”

“What deal?”

I glanced up and winked. “The deal we made when I said I’d be his advocate to get you to fall in love with him. You’re on loan … from me. Wedding vows or not, he knows the deal that was made.”

“So if he breaks the deal, you get me back?”

“Yes.”

“And I’ll come live with you and Ronin?”

“Yes.” I focused on her nails and the stubborn polish.

“Will we have a threesome?”

“Hell to the no fucking way.”

She giggled. “Why not?”

“Because Ronin is a one-woman man.”

“How do you know? Have you asked him?”

“No.”

“Why not?” Lila cocked her head to the side.

“Because he’s not Graham. I don’t have to have threesome conversations with him. We’re married. We have two kids. That’s not our life.”

“But you did it with us in Vancouver.”

I paused and glanced up again, brow furrowed. “Seriously? That was years ago. And we didn’t ‘do it.’ We … messed around. Then I left. And you two ‘did it.’ No one was married. No kids. And it wasn’t my idea.”

“But you went along with it.”

I sighed. “Why are we having this conversation? You were the one who said we should never discuss it again.”

“Have you told Ronin? Does he know just how close your friendship is with Graham and me?”

Wiping her hand with the expensive white towel, I shook my head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Grr …”

Lila giggled. I hated that stupid conversation, but I sure did love her giggle. It meant so many things—she was alive, feeling better, and happy.

“Did you just growl at me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you’re on something. Did you start taking more pain meds?”

“No.”

“Marijuana?”

“Nope. I’m just high on life and feeling nostalgic, and I’m in the mood to walk down memory lane because my BFF is here and doing something really sweet for me.”

“I know … I’m pretty amazing.”

“You are. Let’s talk about your amazingness and why you didn’t tell your husband about that night in Vancouver.”

“Because it never came up. I’m not intentionally hiding it from him. I just haven’t told him about every thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. Remember when we went horseback riding in sixth grade and I fell and broke my arm?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…” I shrugged “…I don’t think I’ve ever told Ronin about it. If we got on the subject of broken limbs or horseback riding, I’m sure I’d tell him the story. But … we haven’t.”

“Maybe I should bring up that night in Vancouver sometime when we’re all together. I’d love to see the look on his face.”

“Why?”

“Because I think he would find it pretty hot.”

“No. He wouldn’t.”

“How can you say that?” she asked in disbelief.

“Because I’m his wife, the mother of his children. Maybe … just maybe he might have found humor in it or found it … slightly erotic before we got married. But not now. Graham is his friend. I think it would change their relationship.”

“You mean he doesn’t know that you slept with my husband in college?”

Again, I shot her a glare, giving her an incredulous look. “That just sounds horrible, Lila. Like Graham was your husband and I slept with him.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do. But if you said those words to anyone else, they would not know what you meant.”

“Do you think …” Her words faded.

“Do I think what?” I moved to her other hand, scrubbing off the polish.

“Do you think Graham will be attracted to me again?”

I stopped, unable to look up at her because I didn’t think I heard her correctly. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“How long do you think it will take for him to want to have sex with me again?”

“Well,” I resumed, “I think he shouldn’t expect that until you’re healed, and that could take a while.”

“What do you think he’ll do in the meantime?”

“Jerk off more.”

Lila snorted. “I’m serious.”

I shrugged. “So am I.”

“Do you think he’ll … wander?”

I snapped my head up. “What?”

Her lips twisted for a few seconds. “He has needs.”

“Lila Rae Porter … you had better be joking or dealing with some sort of PTSD. Why would you think for one second that Graham would cheat on you?”

Her gaze dropped to her lap. “I don’t know. I just … I don’t know,” she murmured.

“When he saw you in the ICU right after your surgery, he broke down. I had never seen that side of Graham. He sobbed over your broken body. Sobbed! It shattered my heart to see him like that, but it also erased any doubt, I mean any doubt I might have had about his love for you. So even if I think it’s a little douchey of him to not have brought you home from the hospital, I don’t let it dissuade me from trusting his love for you.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I’m right.”

God … I hoped I was right. If I wasn’t right, Graham was a dead man.

“So … how’s Ronin feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Is he back to work?”

I nodded.

“Did they figure out why he went into cardiac arrest?”

“No.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

I shook the bottle of nail polish, contemplating telling Lila about Ronin’s theory … his past. We hadn’t discussed it since that day in my shop. Lila continued to get better and so did Ronin. He wasn’t back to himself, singing in the shower yet, but he was working and helping out around the house. It was hard to determine if his residual issues were really related to Lila’s accident.

“Of course, it bothers me. But I hit this point, you know? No solid answers, but also there was nothing else I could do. He’s supposed to be wearing a monitor still, but half of the time I find it tossed aside on the nightstand. He doesn’t think it’s his heart.”

“Then what does he think it is?”

Forever. That was how long Lila and I had been friends, or at least as long as I could remember. We didn’t keep secrets. All the things Ronin had yet to learn about me … Lila already knew.

Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about Ronin’s near-death experience. I felt protective of him. As much as I loved and trusted Lila to keep an open mind and not judge him for what he believed, I found myself struggling with it. So if I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that Ronin had this highly sensitive empathic power with people whom he tried to save, then how could I possibly expect her to understand?

“He thinks it was a fluke. A strange, unexplainable incident that probably won’t ever happen again.”

“I hope not, for both of your sakes. How about your mom? Is she doing better since the seizure?”

“Yes. It’s…” I shook my head, brushing the pink nail polish onto Lila’s nails “…weird. I know she only has so much time left, and her seizure was a very hard reminder of that. But today she looked good. Healthy. It was hard to believe that there’s this cancer spreading through her body, stealing her life.”

“And your dad? How’s he holding up?”

“I’m scared for him. After she had that seizure, I was sitting on the floor in my house, holding my kids, Anya with a bleeding cut. And Ronin wasn’t doing well. Mom was on the floor in the bedroom waiting for the paramedics, and you were still in the ICU. Something inside of me snapped, causing me to take a step back and reevaluate what would be left of my life if I lost my mom, you, and Ronin. And I knew … I knew Franz and Anya would be enough. More than enough. I just don’t know if my dad will be able to step back after Mom dies and see that he still has enough left in his life to … live.”

The second I finished that thought, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. “Lila … I … I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine.”

I looked up from her hand. It didn’t feel fine. “I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling, and—”

“Evelyn, it’s fine.” She nodded, maintaining her best reassuring smile.

After Lila’s parents died, she had a rough time. I wasn’t enough. My family wasn’t enough. The only thing that filled that void in her heart was a flood of never-ending grief. She talked about that time as a black hole with no exit. She took a whole bottle of prescription pills that a friend from school sold her, and I found her in her car passed out later that afternoon in the school parking lot.

“I’m proud of you.” I continued painting her nails.

“Proud of me?” She laughed. “For trying to commit suicide?”

“Once. You tried once. Then you got help. And your situation hadn’t changed. You were still an orphan. You still missed your parents. You still thought life was unfair. But you never tried to check out again. And you could have.”

“Thank you, Evie. That actually means the world to me,” she murmured with soft sincerity.

“You’re a survivor.”

“Ha! I don’t know about that. Look at me. I’m at the mercy of other people to do the most basic things like go to the bathroom.”

“But you’re feeling better.”

“Yes. But I’m not without pain.”

“Where do you hurt?” I capped the nail polish and gave it a few more shakes before doing her other hand.

“My ribs are still sore and my leg. But my lower back has started to really ache at night too. I think it’s just from being bedridden. I’m hoping the physical therapist will help that by getting my body moving, so I can heal quicker.”

My hand shook, so I had to cap the polish again and flex my fingers a few times to keep it from shaking again. “Your lower back, huh. When did it start hurting?”

“About two days ago. It’s sciatic pain, shoots down the back of my good leg. Talk about two steps forward, one step back. But, on the flip side, this has been the best day emotionally that I’ve had since the accident, and it’s all because of you, Evie. My heart is full right now. I can’t believe you’re here, painting my nails like we used to do so many years ago.”

Taking several deep breaths, I held the nail polish brush with a firmer grip to steady my stroke. “I’m happy to do it,” I whispered, but not to Lila, more to a voice … that voice.