Chapter 28 - The Life That Mattered

Evelyn

I didn’t want a surprise party.

It wasn’t my thing. It was Lila’s and Graham’s thing. However, after the string of events that led me to the front door of the Porter estate, I felt for the first time that day like I could breathe.

My family and friends.

Ronin’s parents were there after spending months in Singapore while Ling finished approving the final line of her summer collection.

Sophie.

Julien and his wife.

My sister, Katie, and her husband, Tanner.

Tami and Noah.

Even Graham’s parents took the time to come wish me happy birthday.

The biggest surprise was my kids. Graham flew them to Denver earlier in the day. I thought Ronin was taking them to Sue’s for the night. I was wrong.

However, Sue was there too. After dinner, she took them upstairs to one of the bedrooms and put them to bed.

It was by far the most perfect and tragic birthday of my life.

Ronin followed me like a shadow all night. He stood by me with his hand on my lower back when it felt right to put on an act for the guests. He smiled on cue and laughed at the appropriate moments. I glued together that awful mask I’d owned for so many years and put it on—bent and ready to fall to pieces again if I let it slip as much as an inch.

Graham stayed out of sight most of the evening while Lila found a chair and ottoman to elevate her leg while people lined up to see how she was feeling since the accident.

“Andre said it’s time to cut the cake,” Mom whispered in my ear as one of Graham’s old buddies from college talked my other ear off about the Yankees, not realizing I had two kids and zero time to follow sports like I used to.

And yes, Andre was the party planner. My fortieth birthday party was better planned, and probably more expensive, than most couples’ wedding receptions.

“Time for cake,” I announced with a smile to end the baseball conversation.

It was all too extravagant, yet I didn’t take for granted a single second of it. After all, I knew it might be the last time I would get to share something like that while my mom was still alive.

I fought an onslaught of tears as everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to me. Then I blew out forty candles on a huge cherry amaretto cake as cheers and clapping filled the room.

“Speech!” Lila yelled from just a few feet in front of me, balancing on her crutches, much more sober than she was in the limo.

Silence swept through the room, leaving all eyes on me. My heart raced. I preferred attention in small doses where I didn’t shake under the microscope of the large crowd.

Where was my rock?

He stood a few feet behind Lila and Graham, next to his brother, Julien. My best friend put me on the stage, ignoring my insecurities. I stood there as my mask started to crack. Words—what was I supposed to say?

“Thank me first. I paid for the party.”

Everyone laughed, breaking the tension.

My gaze shifted to Graham and his signature smirk. So arrogant. In that moment, he gave me what no one else did. A lifeline.

He saw me drowning, and he saved me.

A few tears tried to make their way out, but I quickly wiped them away as I smiled. “Yes.” I laughed as the room quieted again. “I have to thank my favorite Graham Cracker for proving, once again, that our friendship is truly priceless.” I winked at him.

He mouthed, “I love you,” and winked back at me.

“And speaking of friendships, I have to thank my best friend, Lila, for letting me be the one who has aged more gracefully.”

She flipped me the bird and everyone laughed.

“I love you too, Lila. And I’m so so grateful you’re here to celebrate this day with me.”

A collective “aww” exhaled from the crowd. We all knew how incredibly lucky we were to have Lila with us. She smiled through her trembling lips and tear-filled eyes as she blew me a kiss.

“And I wouldn’t be here to celebrate forty amazing years of life if Madeline Hayes hadn’t let herself fall in love with the handsome and oh-so-dapper Corey Taylor. Thank you for being the best parents anyone could ask for. I think I speak for Katie and Lila too when I say it’s a privilege to be your daughter.”

A few sniffles broke through the silence as I left a pregnant pause, finding the courage and strength to look at my husband and say everything I wanted to say about him. “Last, but not least …” I choked on the words, biting my lips together and swallowing as I looked up at the ceiling, unable to let my gaze lock with his eyes.

I shook my head, clenching my jaw and holding back not only the words, but the sob that fought to escape. No one else in the room knew how seeing Ronin’s truth that morning ripped open my heart, leaving me so scared and helpless.

No one else knew how my world shattered in that tiny heartbeat.

No one knew how I took his confessions and guarded them with my life for months.

No one knew how badly I wanted to say three simple words that might profoundly change the course of something so tragic.

No one knew …

Drawing in a shaky breath, I tried again. “I want to thank my—” My hand covered my mouth as I choked on the sob that escaped along with all the tears as I bled out in front of everyone.

“Evie …” Lila called my name as I ran out the side door, shouldering past a few of the servers and taking a quick left to the door that led to the pool and courtyard.

The cool air forced a full breath into my lungs as I stumbled out of my shoes and just … ran. The Porters had acres of grassy hills. Acres of space to run away from my troubles. I didn’t stop until my lungs burned from exhaustion, and I couldn’t feel my feet from pounding them against the cold spring grass.

I didn’t stop until I was ready to surrender to reality—as beautiful as I thought my life was, it wasn’t a fairy tale. And if it was, it would likely end in tragedy.

Slowing to a stop, I ripped at the pins in my hair, releasing the messy strands to fall all around my shoulders as I bent over, panting with my hands clenched to my knees. Then I dropped to my knees, moving my hands to my face as I cried, not holding back anything. I just … couldn’t any longer.

His woodsy Clean Art scent announced his presence before the warmth of his suit jacket covered my bare shoulders. Then he scooped me up into his arms.

I let him, feeling too numb inside to protest the long walk he was about to make with me in his arms back to the house. Ronin kissed the top of my head and effortlessly retraced our steps with long, confident strides. I rested my cheek against his shoulder and closed my swollen eyes.

Birthdays were overrated.

Instead of going into the house, he slid into the back of a car with me still cradled in his arms. Someone shut the door and hopped into the front seat, shifting the vehicle into drive. I felt dead inside. So tired of trying to control … everything.

Mom would take her last breath before I was ready to say goodbye.

Ronin would live or die by his own mistakes, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

Lila and Graham had their lives that were, in so many ways, a million miles away from mine.

But I had Franz and Anya.

Every. Single. Day. I had to remind myself that they were enough. And they were. So very much.

When the vehicle stopped, the driver opened the back door. Ronin lifted me out and walked into the hotel. A bellboy followed us with our shared overnight bag. When we made it to the room, the bellboy opened the door.

“Thank you,” Ronin murmured, his first words since he retrieved me from the back of the Porter estate.

The door closed behind us as he carried me to the king-sized bed in the lavish suite. I felt the immediate loss of his arms when he set me down on the edge of the bed and loosened his tie. I picked the most handsome man in the world to break my heart. It was such a rare occasion that I got to see Ronin in a suit, looking like sex on a stick. Why did this one have to end with him picking up my broken pieces?

Disappearing to the bathroom, he turned on the water before returning, wearing nothing but a plush white towel tied around his waist. He didn’t speak. We didn’t speak. What was there to say?

I let him slide his jacket off my shoulders, unzip my dress, and work my panties off my hips while I sat idle like a rag doll. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sleep for a hundred years. Was that too much to ask for my birthday wish?

Again, Ronin lifted me up into his arms, completely naked, and carried me to the bathroom. He eased me into the tub of steamy water, discarded his towel, and wedged his body in the tub behind mine. I rested my hands under the water on his legs and leaned back, using his chest as a pillow.

Warm lips brushed my ear. Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders. When the water reached its limit, Ronin leaned over and turned it off. Grabbing a washcloth, he wet it and brought his face down next to mine so he could see to gently wipe the makeup from it. I closed my eyes.

“I’m not going to ask you what happened in Vancouver.”

My eyes blinked back open.

“I failed you as a husband, as a friend, and as a father to our children. It was my job to take care of our family. But I couldn’t, and I hated it. Getting out of bed was a monumental challenge. Carrying our injured child nearly made me pass out. So … I looked for a solution, but nothing worked except …”

The pills.

He continued to wipe my face, rewetting the washcloth. “You’re so damn smart, and it was wrong of me to act like you wouldn’t know exactly what was happening. I was … I am so ashamed that I let it happen to me.” Ronin blew out a slow, shaky breath. “But it did. And I hate that you had to find out like you did. I hate that I was too weak to ask for help. I hate that in my attempt to show so much strength, I bared my biggest weakness.”

I traced my fingers over his leg muscles, closing my eyes again as he continued to clean my face. “I’m both.”

After a few seconds, he kissed my cheek, letting his lips linger there as he whispered, “Both what?”

“I am your biggest strength … and your biggest weakness.” I shifted in the tub, not caring about the water sloshing over the sides. Settling myself at the opposite end, I massaged his calves as he ghosted his fingers along the topside of my feet. “And I know this because you are my biggest strength … and my biggest weakness.”

Ronin nodded slowly, bringing my foot to his mouth and kissing my big toe.

“I fucked up your birthday.” He teased the pad of my toe with his teeth.

“You did.” I shrugged. “But you had help.”

A tiny line formed along the bridge of his nose as he let his gaze fall away from mine.

“Ronin, I’m not shaming you. Or Lila and Graham. It was a disaster. Emotionally draining. But like life, it had its beautiful moments. Our families all together for the first time.” I smiled. “Franz in that tiny tux and Anya in that red dress and big bow in her hair.”

That brought a real smile to Ronin’s face too, even if he still couldn’t look at me.

“So while it’s tempting to want to forget this whole day, that would be a greater tragedy. There are too many memories I will cherish. I’ll take the bad with the good. That’s life.” I bopped his chin with my toe, forcing him to look at me again. “When we exchanged those vows five years ago, we promised a lot of things, but we never said it would be easy.”

He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. “I lied,” he whispered. “Earlier today, when I told you I’d start treatment tomorrow, I lied. I just didn’t want to argue on your birthday. This stubborn part of me was still in denial that I needed help. But when you couldn’t even look at me during your speech…” he brought his head up, opening his reddened eyes a bit as his forehead wrinkled, like saying the words pained him “…I knew the bottle of pills in the pocket of my jacket was destroying us. And it was chilling … like being buried under the rumble of an avalanche. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.” He shook his head, leaning it back again and closing his eyes. “I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it coming.”

After letting his confession simmer between us for a few minutes, I pushed myself out of the water. “I’m getting chilly.” Wrapping a towel around myself, I stepped out of the tub.

On top of the overnight bag by the door was a sack. “What’s in the sack?” I set it aside and opened the suitcase to retrieve a nightshirt. Only … I didn’t pack one. I packed a sexy black lace and satin nightie because we were going to do some naughty things on my birthday with a suite all to ourselves and no kids to wake us up. Given the detour that my day took and the gravity of our bathtub conversation, I decided to skip the nightie in favor of a soft tee Ronin packed to wear the next day.

“Did I give you permission to wear my shirt?”

I turned, stepping into my panties. “You love me in your clothes.”

He eyed me playfully as he retrieved a pair of boxer briefs and slipped them on. “You’re staring, Mrs. Alexander.”

I snapped my gaze to meet his smirk. Yes, five years later, I still loved looking at his naked body. “What’s in the sack?”

He shrugged, plopping onto the bed. “I don’t know. Graham put our bag into the car from the limo. The sack was there too.”

I peeked into the sack and grinned, pulling out a clear container with a huge piece of cake inside of it. My birthday cake. He even packed a fork. Although … my bet was on Lila. She told him to send cake. Traipsing to the bed with my cake—my last bit of birthday joy—I took a seat with my back against the headboard.

“You’re not going to share?”

Mid-bite, I glanced over at Ronin as he turned onto his side, head propped up on his bent arm. “It’s my birthday cake. I didn’t get any at the party.”

“Neither did I.”

“And whose fault is that?”

He frowned. “Fine.”

I took the bite and hummed. It was so good.

“I’m not sharing cake with you on my birthday … just so you know.”

Sliding my gaze to the side as I eased the fork from my mouth, I snickered. “I make your birthday cake. I always have the first piece, right out of the middle, then I fill it with frosting and nobody is the wiser.”

He opened his mouth as wide as possible, nose wrinkled. “That is truly horrible!”

I scooped a dollop of frosting onto my finger and stuck it in his open mouth. “You’ve never made me a cake; that’s the truly horrible part.”

Ronin grabbed my wrist before I could pull my finger out of his mouth. Closing his lips, he sucked all the frosting from my finger. I liked it, but I told myself I wasn’t allowed to like it. Not on a ruined birthday. There was no way birthday girl was giving her fun-spoiling husband sex on her birthday. Also, I convinced myself that reasoning it all out via third-person in my head was the way to go … the way to hold strong.

Evelyn was not having sex with Ronin.

With his other hand, he grabbed the entire piece of cake.

“Ronin!” I jerked my finger from his mouth, but not before he smeared cake down my face and neck.

“Stop!” I tried to squirm away, but he stuck his cake-covered hand up my shirt … well, his shirt. I gasped, eyes wide as he smeared the cake and frosting over me. “Not cool! Not cool at—”

That sticky hand cupped my jaw, and his mouth covered mine, kissing me hard, passionately, and with a clear purpose—getting his fair share of the cake. He licked down my face, lapping the sticky mess while humming his pleasure.

“Ronin …” I claimed two fists full of his hair and tried to jerk him away, but he kept going.

Lower.

And lower.

Until … I lost my resolve.

Birthday girl had sex with Ronin.