Chapter 29 - The Life That Mattered

Forty was supposed to be the true age of independence—the essence of youth still a glint in one’s eyes with the wisdom of experience keeping that chin tilted high.

Yet … we found it quite unwise to eat cake off each other while having sex in a hotel bed. That was how you ended up standing in the corner of the hotel suite, chins bowed, showered bodies wrapped in plush white robes (because you nearly ran out of clean clothes) while watching housekeeping change all the bedding because they wouldn’t allow VIP guests to change the bedding on our own.

Ronin handed the lady a generous tip as she exited the suite with our dirty sheets and an awkward goodnight smile.

“TV?” Ronin took my hand and led me to the bed.

We discarded our robes and snuggled naked in the clean bedding, hair wet, grins rather mischievous. As he turned on the TV and scanned the channels, he stopped on a cable network with some late-night adult entertainment. In over five years of marriage, we never watched adult entertainment short of a few R-rated shows with some explicit sex scenes.

This was different.

I waited for him to click past it, as if he accidentally stopped on it. He didn’t click past it. Nope, he set the remote down beside him and cocked that arm behind his head while hugging me to him with his other arm.

It was a threesome. Two women. One man.

Okay. He wasn’t going to ask me about Vancouver. We were just going to watch a porn movie with two women and one man in bed together.

“Um …” I cleared my throat. “I’m not sure this is what I’d choose to watch on my birthday.”

“Noted. I’ll remember that for next year. But it’s past midnight, so technically it’s no longer your birthday.”

Girl one sat on single guy’s face. Girl two settled into cowgirl position.

Girl three—me—hid my face in the crook of Ronin’s neck, hoping he might switch the channel or find some interest in me again and just shut off the television.

No luck.

I slid my hand down his stomach, going for a new distraction. My hand paused, not expecting him to be so turned on when I had just started to make my move. Yet, he was totally erect.

“You’re …” My voice shook a bit. Five years of marriage … my voice had no reason to shake. That was the power of that little thing called the comfort zone. Stepping outside of it made voices shake and cheeks fill with embarrassment. “You’re enjoying this?”

I had to ask, even though I knew the answer. We talked sex while having sex. We experimented with sexual positions without watching demonstrations. What was wrong with me that I felt so uncomfortable? What was wrong with him that he didn’t?

“Yes. Aren’t you?”

I crawled over his chest and grabbed the remote, pressing the Power button. “No. I’m not enjoying that. Why don’t you just ask? I’d rather tell you about Vancouver than watch that shit. Is that what you want?”

He moved his other hand behind his head, lacing his fingers. “Well, you shut off that shit, so I assume you’re ready to tell me—five years after the fact.”

I sighed, sitting straight while facing him, pulling the covers up to my chest. “When I was in elementary school, I fell off a horse and broke my arm. It was in a cast for six weeks, and everyone in school signed it and drew pictures on it. I bet the cast is still in an old box in my parents’ garage.”

Ronin quirked a single brow. “That’s why Lila was sliding her hand up your leg in the limo?”

“No. It’s just a random thing about me that you didn’t know and doesn’t really matter in our life together. Just like that time in Vancouver when Graham and Lila invaded my hotel room and tried to drag me into a threesome—a random event that doesn’t really matter in our life together.”

Ronin narrowed his eyes. “Well, I disagree. Did this threesome look like that threesome?” He nodded toward the blank TV screen.

I sighed. “No. Not even close. And the reason I never told you is because you know all the parties involved, and I don’t want you to get these images in your head. It could affect the way you look at me, or Lila and Graham too.”

“Well, in case you missed the subtle hint I just gave you by stopping on that channel, if you don’t clarify what Lila alluded to earlier in the limo, then that…” he nodded again to the screen “…is what I imagine happened between the three of you. And that makes me pretty fucking unhappy.”

I bristled at his comment. How dare he be upset about anything after the debacle of my birthday sparked by his hidden drug addiction.

“Why would you be fucking unhappy?” I narrowed my eyes. “I felt you, and you were clearly turned on by what was happening on that screen.”

He jackknifed to sitting, putting our faces six inches apart. “Getting a goddamn boner from watching a porn star doesn’t mean I’m okay with my wife being a porn star!”

“Excuuuse me? Did you really just call me a porn star?”

“I don’t know …” He tilted his head to the side, eyes narrowed. “Did you sit on Graham’s face or his cock the very same day we met?”

I opened my mouth to spit more venom, but nothing came out. Instead, I deflated. “Oh my god …” I whispered. “What are we doing?”

That was easy—we were pissed off about other uncontrollable circumstances in our lives, and instead of facing them, making plans to survive them, we were throwing stupid punches over something as frivolous as Va-ness-uh karaoke. It was on me. I was the one in control of the situation. Ronin was simply reacting to jumbled pieces of the unknown.

I knew better. I had all the pieces.

Crawling onto his lap, I ran my fingers though his hair. He stiffened. I couldn’t blame him.

“I’m so sorry.” I kissed the corner of his mouth.

His head made a tiny jerk away from me.

Fair.

He had every right to feel upset and confused. Had the tables been turned, I would have been a tornado of emotions throwing shit like cell phones at his head.

“Graham didn’t touch me, and I didn’t touch him. He threw out some ridiculous idea about having a threesome as we were all in my bed in our pajamas. For the record, I didn’t invite them into my room. They came over and just piled into my bed when all I wanted to do was go to sleep and dream about this sexy guy I met that day.”

Ronin’s lips twitched, but he managed to keep them from bending into a smile.

“I was hugging the edge of the bed with my back to Lila and Graham on the other side of her when he—out of the blue—suggested a threesome. I said nothing because I didn’t take his stupid suggestion seriously. Then the next thing I knew he was touching Lila and Lila was touching me.”

Ronin’s right eyebrow worked its way up his forehead.

“She fondled my breasts and teased my nipples with her tongue ring; then I made a quick exit into the hallway before things went any further,” I spewed out the words as fast as I could.

Nodding slowly, Ronin narrowed his eyes. “What was Graham doing while Lila was doing this to you?”

I wrinkled my nose, not wanting to replay that night. “I … I don’t know. Touching her, touching himself.” I shook my head. “I don’t like to think about it.”

He wet his lips and scraped his top teeth along his bottom lip several times. “How did it feel?”

I choked out a laugh. “No. We are not discussing this. It’s not therapy. You now know it was nothing like what you were just watching. It was a weird moment between friends.”

“Lila seemed to recall those memories with a sort of fondness. I think she liked your nipples.” He took a quick glance at said nipples.

I grabbed the sheet to cover my chest. “So…” I squinted “…me sitting on any part of Graham’s body nearly sent you into killer mode, but Lila messing with my breasts simply makes you curious? Had it been Graham’s tongue on my nipples, why would that have not been okay?”

“I’m a guy.” He shrugged; a boyish grin climbed up his face.

“That’s such a pathetic excuse.”

He tugged on the sheet, pulling it away from my chest. “Let’s be clear …” His hands slid from my hips, over my ribs to my breasts.

“Clear about what?” I framed his face with my hands, brushing my thumb over his lips.

He smiled, following my thumb with his tongue. “I’m the only one who touches you.”

“You …” I replaced my thumb with my lips, seeking the familiar taste of my husband, the comfort of his hands, the shelter of his body pressed to mine.

Life wasn’t easy. It wasn’t always beautiful. Some days it was flat-out cruel.

But … it was undeniably worth it.

The next morning, I woke before Ronin, feeling the dawn of reality crushing against my chest. My birthday was over. Our bubble would burst any second. Life would test us once again.

“It’s too early to lift the weight of the world.”

I grinned, glancing over my shoulder as Ronin stretched. My feet dangled from the side of the bed, daring me to touch the ground. After a night of remembering all the reasons I said, “I do,” it was hard to take that next step. So … I just let my feet dangle for a few more minutes.

“It is a heavy burden, but I think I’ll lift one thing at a time.” I bit my lower lip and wrinkled my nose, not wanting to name that thing.

“I’ll take a few days off, just to get through the initial withdrawal. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to do this on an outpatient basis. As long as I take the meds they give me, attend the suggested counseling, and join a support group, it should go smoothly.”

Ronin made me so proud. Even in his weakest moment, he proved he was still my rock. Perfection wasn’t strength. Righting your wrongs took more strength than anything. You were lucky to dodge the hits. Getting back up after being knocked down showed immeasurable strength and courage.

“You’re my superhero.”

He returned a sad smile, sitting up and dangling his feet from the opposite side of the bed. “We have a few rough days ahead of us.”

Us.

Ronin knew it was, had been, and always would be us.

“We’ve got this. Just let me ski backward until you find your balance.”