Chapter 4 - Eleanor - Purge With My Demons

Giordana giving me that drink before Brad got there was a blessing because my nerves were shot. My palms were sweating, and my leg would not stop bouncing. Brad was just as attractive as he was in his pictures on Spark, which honestly took me by surprise. I just felt like I was going to get catfished, but it looked like I was in the clear. He was almost six feet tall, lean, and muscular. He had one of those adorable baby faces that were impossible to look away from, with soft features, dimples, and sweet brown eyes. He was not typically what I went for in a guy, but he was adorable, nonetheless. We’d been sitting for a couple of minutes making small talk, and I was desperate for another drink. I noticed one of the servers walking nearby and flagged him down.

Felix smiled at me and walked over. “Hey El, can I get you something?”

“Hi Felix, yeah, can I just get my usual, please?” Gesturing to Brad, Felix turned in his direction. “Did you want something?”

He hesitated, giving Felix a strange look. I wasn’t sure if it was just me being overly sensitive at the moment, but it was a bit off-putting. Felix gave me a look of confusion. Clearly, he also didn’t understand why Brad was clocking him like he was. When Brad finally spoke up, Felix returned his attention to him. “What beer do you have on draft?”

“Oh, not much right now. We are working on getting more as well as some local brews in. But we have Bud Light, Shock Top, Guinness, and Bluemoon. We have more in bottles if you want to see a list,” Felix answered, always on top of it.

Fully recovered from the awkward stare down he had given Felix, Brad replied with a friendly smile, “That's alright, man, just a Bud Light is good.” He handed Felix his credit card. “You can open a tab, and put both of ours on it.”

“Sure thing.” Felix tapped Brad’s card on the device he held and walked off to get our drinks.

“Thank you, I appreciate that,” I said to Brad. Finishing my response off with what I hope came off as a sweet smile and not some awkward attempt at one. It was so strange how someone simply paying for your drinks could give you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. But that actually did, I wasn’t used to that.

Brad took off his backward baseball cap and ran his fingers through his cropped brown hair. Every vein in his arm rippled as he rested his arm back down to the arm of the chair. I hoped he wouldn't catch me staring. “Of course, Eleanor, it’s my pleasure. I’m glad we finally got a chance to meet up.” He gave me a smile that made my insides feel like they’re melting. The physical attraction was totally there. Maybe with a little more time, the rest would work itself out too.

“Well, I still appreciate it. I’m glad we were able to get together too. I’m sorry again for rescheduling so many times. I was surprised you were even still interested in coming out, considering how many times I canceled.” After being with Rhiannon, I swore that no matter what, I would always be myself in any type of relationship. Changing to become someone else's perfect version of yourself was never worth it. And for her, I was still never enough. I would never let it happen again.

“I didn’t want to miss a chance to get to meet you in person. Your pictures don’t do you justice, Eleanor.”

My face was turning all shades of red, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Where the hell was Felix with those drinks? Sheepishly, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

Thankfully, because I was at a loss for words, Brad spoke up again. “Who is your friend that works here? You mentioned your best friend a few times when we talked on Spark.”

“Yeah, Giordana. She’s right over there.” Pointing to where my beautiful friend was sitting at a high-top table talking to two huge men, Brad turned to get a better look. They must have been members of the band she was meeting with tonight. Giordana was not a short woman, about four inches taller than my five foot six, and these two were towering over her. They were the build of guys I typically went for, and my gaze lingered.

Get a grip, El.

“She’s meeting some members of a band tonight who are playing here later this month. I think they play heavier music than what Purge has booked in the past, so I’m thrilled.”

“Oh, like that heavy, screaming shit? I don’t get it. Can’t these people just get a therapist? I don’t need people screaming at me or shoving me around if I’m at a concert.” He rolled his eyes.

I didn’t even know how to respond to that. From the look on his face, he could tell that he clearly missed the mark.

Utterly dumbfounded, he asked, “What, you actually do enjoy that?”

“Um, yes. Don’t you remember our entire conversation on Spark about how much I enjoy heavy music and going to shows? I don’t mosh, personally. But who cares if people do? It’s just people getting to have a fun time with other people who like the same things. It can be cathartic, or an escape and a way to let loose with friends.” I leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. “I don’t understand people who run marathons, doesn’t mean I think they need therapy.” This was a hill I would die on. Don’t come for me or anyone and their taste in music. Hell, don’t come for anyone and how they find joy. If it’s not hurting anyone, what’s the problem?

He looked a bit taken aback by my response. “Oh, wow. Okay, I guess I never thought of it that way.” He leaned back in his chair and looked as if he was taking a moment to reconsider his line of thought. Fucking good. “Can we just start over really quick?” He stood up, walked a few steps away, turned back around, and took his seat again. “Hi, I’m Brad, and I hope I didn’t just fuck up and blow my shot with you completely.”

I uncrossed my arms and rolled my eyes. “Brad, it’s fi—”

“No, Eleanor, it’s not. I shouldn’t even talk about something I don’t know anything about.” He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, poised to say something else, but we were interrupted by Felix with our drinks.

“Here you go, you two.” Felix set our drinks down in front of us. He moved behind Brad’s chair, giving me an “are you okay” look. He must have been able to see something was off by my face. Giordana was always reminding me to fix my face, as she said. Apparently, sometimes I gave away my every thought and feeling with just a simple look. The immediate warmth I felt in my chest was more than welcome at that moment after taking a sip of my drink. I gave Brad a scrutinizing look, urging him to continue his thoughts.

He took a generous pull from his beer and slowly licked the froth that accumulated on his mustache. From behind hooded eyes, he looked up at me. He was still leaning forward, and by the way his eyes were drawing me in, I felt compelled to lean closer in too. With his voice low, so quiet that only I could hear him, he said, “How about you show me?” He reached out to caress my wrist as he said the words, his light touch sending chills up my arm.

Holy fuck. How did I possibly go from annoyed to turned on by this man in a matter of seconds? I was immediately starting to question my own insane rule of not sleeping with someone on the first date. I immediately had to readjust how I was sitting in this chair to feel a bit of friction where I so desperately craved it all of a sudden. “Oh, okay. What do you mean?”

Bluntly, Brad stated, “Educate me. Show me some bands that you like. I want to get to know you, Eleanor. You’re gorgeous, and I enjoy talking to you.I want to know what you like.”

“That—is so sweet and considerate.” How did he go from being judgmental and pompous to actually taking accountability for what he said? The entire interaction was confusing, but he had captivated me, and I honestly couldn’t explain why. It was refreshing, though. I couldn’t say no to him, and even if I wanted to say no, I couldn’t.

“So what do you say?” He looked at me with an adorable, expectant expression.

“Well, it’s kind of hard to listen to music in a bar that is currently blasting music. There is no way you could hear anything I played for you.”

“Then should we go to the space outside? There’s an outdoor area, right?”

“That’s a wonderful idea.” Standing, we picked up our drinks from the table. We began walking toward the door that would lead us to the spacious outdoor area typically reserved only for events or for when people need to step out to smoke. He gently placed his hand on my lower back, eliciting a gasp from me at the unexpected touch. His touch was cool and sent a chill through me. But the contact caused warmth to spread in my lower belly immediately. Then, I had a genius idea. “Actually, Giordana has an office here in the back. It's quieter there. Let me text her, she lets me chill back there sometimes anyway when I’m here nights she’s closing.”

I pulled out my phone to shoot a quick text to Giordana. As I did, she walked toward us, and I made a subtle gesture for her to check her phone.

Eleanor:

G. Do you care if we chill in your office for a bit? Drinks on me Sunday if you say yes. 🖤

Giordana:

of course babe. but we are getting the mimosa bucket with ALL of the juice options! and if you guys fuck in there, you buy drinks next weekend too.

Eleanor:

Jesus. I’m not even going to argue with you. Love you, mean it.

Giordana:

love you, mean it. you know the code.

Brad and I began maneuvering through the bodies that had accumulated in the bar and slowly moved toward the back offices of Purge, his hand remaining on my lower back the entire time. The warmth in my lower belly continued to stir.

Once we made it to Giordana’s office, I punched in the five-digit code and heard the audible click of the door unlocking. Her desk was covered in paperwork, it wasn’t a mess but it also wasn’t the most tidy space either. The computer’s screen saver was cycling through photos of the two of us through the years and Purge staff working different events. Seeing the pictures of Giordana and I, my shoulders dropped, and I took a deep breath, relaxing a bit. It was the gentle reminder I needed that my best friend was just a few feet away if I needed her.

My eyes scanned the rest of the office, and I saw that Brad had taken a seat on the olive green velvet loveseat nestled against the wall. Grabbing the Bluetooth speaker off the desk, I made my way over to him. Kicking off my boots as I sat down, I got comfortable sitting on my knees while connecting my phone to the speaker.

“Wait a second, are your socks pink?” Brad asked with a smirk.

The corners of my mouth lifted into a smile. “Yes. With gummy worms on them,” I said as if it’s the most normal thing to be wearing hot pink socks covered with multicolored gummy worms. Because it was for me, that was my thing. I loved cute, weird socks.

“No way. Miss all black clothes, angry music, and horror movies, but you have pink gummy worm socks on?”

I simply flashed him a big cheesy smile, all teeth. He then proceeded to lean over to me and tried to grab my feet. “Brad, stop!” I squealed with very little enthusiasm. “We have very important things to do. You, sir, need to be educated in my world of music. Now, go back to your side of the couch!” I did my best to put on a grumpy face, hoping that I also just look cute in the process. When did I start acting so flirty?

He made a scene of moving to the other side of the couch by standing up dramatically and taking a big step away from me, sitting down very properly with his hands in his lap. He turned to look at me with a very serious face. “Yes, ma'am, I’m ready now.” My eyebrows raised at his statement. I could get used to him calling me ma’am.

I readjusted the way I was sitting. A mimosa bucket on me two weekends in a row was starting to sound like a possibility. SoundWave was always in the recent apps on my phone. I played him a few songs from some of my favorite bands. Ones with some heavier breakdowns and more elaborate scream ranges. I was having a blast just being myself, dancing and singing along. Brad was not into the music, but he had been watching me with hungry eyes. The way he was looking at me encouraged me to keep dancing.

As we listened to music, we settled in, getting more and more comfortable. I moved to sit criss-cross, Brad moved to sit facing me. Then, my legs straightened out across the couch and Brad pulled them onto his lap. Deciding that showing him a video from a show in New Orleans would be fun, I queued it up, and he scooted closer to me. Brad and I were essentially cuddling on this couch, a good portion of our bodies touching each other.

I found myself lying on his chest with his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I realized he smelled fresh, like clean laundry and lemon. It was soothing. His lean frame hugged my curves, and when he casually stroked my arm, it was like a breath of fresh air. The chills never left me but neither did the warmth in my belly.

The song currently playing got quieter, something slow and more melodic. Looking up to him through my eyelashes, I asked, “Well, what are your thoughts?”

He pursed his lips and looked up to the ceiling. “Still not my thing.” He frowned when he finished the statement.

A frown mirroring his appeared on my face. “Well damn.” Immediately, I stopped the music from playing on my phone.

Brad chuckled and squeezed my shoulders tightly into his side. “Really, though, Eleanor, seeing how you lit up and were having so much fun was amazing. I would listen to it all day long if I got to watch you be that happy.”

I shied away from looking him in the eye. He grabbed my chin between his thumb and pointer finger and tilted my face toward his. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like what you love didn’t deserve to be enjoyed. I hope you can forgive me.”

I couldn’t help but to be at a loss for words, as if Brad had taken them and just ripped them out of my chest. But somehow I managed to whisper, “Okay.”

The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. A soft, gentle kiss as if he was asking for permission to keep going. By way of approval, I ran my tongue along his lower lip. He ran his hand along my side, taking his time to explore my body. Once he reached my thigh, he pulled me over to straddle his lap. Startled, I let out a little yelp and chuckled. The warmth that had begun to gather in my lower belly earlier made a swift return. The tight dress I was wearing had started to work its way up my thighs making room for my new position on Brad’s lap.

I leaned back a bit, and Brad began kissing the spot where my neck and shoulder meet. Without even realizing, but clearly in desperate need for a bit of friction, I began grinding my center on Brad’s jeans. Quietly, I admitted to him, “I did not anticipate tonight going this way.”

He licked his way up to my ear before nipping my earlobe. “Me neither. But I’m sure as fuck glad we got here.” His voice was low, husky, and full of lust. “Now, as much as I love this harness situation you have going on, how difficult is it to get off?”

With a cheeky smile, I undid the two buckles that would allow me to slide the harness off. I made a show of dropping it on the floor by holding it straight out next to me and letting it fall from my hand. Then Brad was at my chest, kissing and nibbling the exposed skin before he pulled the thin straps of my dress over my shoulders.

Brad hesitated before pulling my dress all the way down to expose my chest. I give him a reassuring nod. There were many things I loved about these types of dresses. They were comfortable, affordable, perfect for almost any occasion, but they also didn't require a bra. Praise the bodycon dress sirens. He wasted no time taking my now hardened nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking to his heart's content while rolling the other between his thumb and pointer finger. He released my nipple with a soft bite.

I began unbuttoning his shirt, and he pulled it off the rest of the way. He grabs his baseball cap and tosses it on the floor with my harness, then runs his fingers through his hair. I took advantage of the opportunity and ran my hands through the loose strands at the sides of his head and interlocked my fingers at the base of his neck. He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine once more. This kiss was sensual. We took our time exploring each other's mouths with our tongues. I was glad he didn’t drink much of the beer because I would have hated to taste it on his tongue. Reluctantly, he broke the kiss to reach over his shoulder with his right arm and pulled his undershirt over his head in one swift motion. I was just wishing he would do that, and it was just as hot as I’d imagined. My pussy twitched as I watched his abs flex. He was lean, just as I expected. His muscles were more defined than I would have anticipated, but it’s not a turn-off. He had a smattering of chest hair and no tattoos that I saw. He must have seen me admiring. One side of his mouth quirked up in a grin. Then, with little to no effort, he had me on my back on the couch. Immediately, I felt the wetness in my panties.

I was about to be more forward than I ever had before, but Giordana may be getting those damn mimosas next week too. “I don’t want to be presumptuous here, but if this is leading where I think it is, condoms are in the bottom right drawer of the desk.”

My forwardness must have surprised him because his eyes went wide. His mouth was on mine only moments later. He began trying to push my dress down farther but failed miserably. Clearly, he did not understand that a dress like this will not come off that way. “How the fuck does this thing come off?” he said with a frustrated sigh.

Laughing, I stuttered, “It has to go over my head.”

Brad leaned back on his knees with his face in his hands. “Well, this is going real smooth.”

“Brad, it’s alright, really. It’s a bitch for me to get off on a good day.” I stood with my back to him and started to maneuver the dress up over my ass, that was the most difficult part. I’m blessed with these curves and worked hard for the muscles I have, but damn, did it make things like this difficult sometimes. Once the dress was finally off, I turned around and saw Brad with wide, hungry eyes that made me feel like he wanted to devour me on the spot.

“Should I grab a—” I couldn’t even finish the sentence before Brad cut me off.

“Yes, abso-fucking-lutely.”

Laughing, I made my way over to the desk and grabbed a condom out of the drawer.

“So you don’t have to answer this, but why does she have condoms in her office and why do you know?” he questioned with a smile.

“Oh…” I contemplated telling him, but at this point, there wasn’t anyone here who didn't already know. “Well, Giordana and the bouncer, Ty, have an on-again, off-again thing going. It’s just that simple. And she’s my best friend, so, of course, I know.”

“Fair enough.” He looked disappointed in my answer, though I couldn’t even begin to fathom why.

Brad grabbed the condom from my hand and placed it on the armrest of the couch. He gently took my hand and laid me back down on the couch, lowering himself on top of me. His muscles rippled with every movement, and I wanted to lick his chest. But I resisted. He kissed his way down my sternum, my stomach, making his way to the place I ached for attention. I knew as soon as he touched my center, he would feel just how wet I was. But then he stops at my belly button. Okay, so no foreplay then?

Brad sat up and unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down along with his boxers. It was just enough so that his cock made an appearance. It was average, nothing spectacular, but not horrible either. It would get the job done. Right?

Reaching behind me, he grabbed the condom and opened it between his teeth. Tossing the foil packet to the floor, he began to roll the condom down his shaft. He reached toward my panties, and I lifted my ass a bit so he could slip them off, but he just moved them to the side. Incredibly disappointing.

“You’re soaked.” He slipped one finger between my folds but missed the bundle of nerves that desperately craved attention. He then lined the tip of his cock up to my entrance and slowly thrust into me. He picked up his speed, and it helped, but this was not working for me. I wasn’t willing to give up yet, though. I tried my best to meet his rhythm, to hit that delicious spot inside, but I couldn’t quite get there. Maybe if we changed positions, that would help. Everything was going so great… until it wasn’t.

“Let me get on top,” I suggested. He wouldn’t budge when I tried to straddle him. He had all of his weight on top of me, and normally I wouldn’t complain, but this tired position wasn’t working. Missionary must have been working well for him based on the look on his face, his eyes were closed and the muscles at his temples were straining. He was clearly close to finishing, if I had to guess.

Was I going to have to fake my way through this? Damn, I had such high hopes.

“Fuck,” I moaned, hoping it was believable enough. I licked my fingers and reached between us to dip them into the front of my panties. There is no way I would get anywhere without some kind of stimulation. But, if he kept up this rhythm, and I kept circling my clit, maybe I’d luck out.

“Look how good you take my hog, Eleanor.”

What the fuck did he just say? And now I’m dry as the fucking Sahara Desert.

“I’m so fucking close,” he exclaimed, and with a few more thrusts, he finished.

Brad pulled out and sat back on the couch. Pulling off the condom and tying it off, he tossed it in the garbage can by the desk. He was clearly more than satisfied with himself, head reclined back on the couch, eyes closed, and taking deep breaths. I, on the other hand, was still horny but wasn’t sure I wanted him to satisfy that hunger tonight. That was far too quick and unsatisfying after all that build-up.

I stood up and started to put my dress back on. The chill I felt now when Brad was near was off-putting. He kissed me between the shoulder blades and pulled me into a hug from behind.

In an effort to tidy up Giordana’s office, my hand reached for Brad’s baseball cap. My fingertips grazed the brim, and as I gripped the cap, a strange tingle ran all the way down my spine, and I got an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. It was one of those sensations that you most definitely couldn’t explain, but you without a doubt couldn’t deny it happened. I closed my eyes and shook my head, a last-ditch effort to shake off the sensation, and turned to hand Brad his cap. Luckily, his back was to me, so it seemed he missed my freak show performance.

We finished getting dressed and tidying up. I wrote a quick note on a post-it and stuck it to the computer monitor before we left.

Thx G. Boy do I have a story for you.

-Nor

Brad and I made our way back into the main room of Purge, and it had definitely gotten busier. It was standing room only now, all the seats and tables were taken. Several faces I recognized as regulars. Normally, I would say hello, but now was not the time. A heavy metal song is playing over the speakers, and I’m sure Brad was thrilled about that.

Brad pulled me close so that my ear was to his lips. “I’ll be right back.” His voice was low and sexy again. The chilling sensation returned, washing over me, but it was welcome this time.

“Alright, I’ll just be right there.” My usual spot at the counter was empty. He kissed me just below the ear before leaving to walk toward the bathrooms.

How was he so good at all of this but not good at the actual sex part? I didn’t understand. Maybe I could convince him to walk me home, and we can try for round two. Shit, was my apartment clean enough? I ran through a mental checklist in my head of cleaning tasks to make sure I wouldn’t be completely embarrassed to have Brad come into my cozy sanctuary.

Dishes, done.

Kitchen counters, mostly tidy.

Couch, lived on, but fine.

Bathroom, alright.

Bedroom, clothes everywhere, but that’s normal right?

Lili and Luci, perfect.

Okay, it should be fine enough.

As I was standing, waiting for Brad, Giordana walked over to me. “So, am I going to be delighted with an array of fruity options for my mimosas two weeks in a row?”

I took a deep breath, looked at her directly in her bluish-purple eyes, and nodded my head. I didn’t quite manage a smile, however, and she noticed.

“Oh.” Her voice dropped an octave. “Oh, okay. You can fill me in later.” She squeezed my shoulder and kissed my cheek before walking off.

Brad returned to where I was standing and sweetly planted his lips on mine. It was a quick kiss, but it nearly made my knees buckle. Has it been so long since someone showed me affection that I am crumbling at the simplest thing? I was feeling like I wanted to crumble over a kiss, but just moments ago, the sex was so bad, and I would have done anything to just get it over with.

He placed his hand on the small of my back once again and began ushering me toward the exit. “You’re ready to leave, right? Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.”

I smiled up at him and leaned into his side. His hand grazes up my back and wraps around my shoulders, pulling me closer into him. “Yeah. But I was thinking we could go back to my place and hang out for a bit. It’s still pretty early.” Pulling my phone out of my purse to double check the time, it’s 10:23pm. Definitely pretty early still for a Friday night and for a date that started at 8:00pm. Right? Quickly, before he had a chance to reply, I added, “Only if you’d like. No pressure!”

He turned to me and looked down with a sexy as hell smile. “That sounds like a great idea.” He returned to my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, kissing the top of my head.

“My place is just a few blocks down this way, about 15 minutes or so.”

“Sounds good.” He showed off that sweet, boyish smile once again. All round eyes and dimples. Immediately, I knew I must be smiling too. How could I not be?

* * *

We made it to my place. I unlocked the door, but before we got inside, I remembered my furry children.

“I forgot if I mentioned in our texts that I have pets, a cat and a dog. My cat is Lili, you probably won’t even see her. She will most likely run away immediately. She really only likes me and Giordana. Luci, my dog, is a Doberman. She looks terrifying, but she’s well trained. If she gets weird and clingy, I can put her in her kennel.” I noticed Brad’s eyes go wide for a split second. “Sorry, I should have mentioned all of this earlier.”

“It’s okay. I remembered you mentioning pets.” He places his hand on my forearm as I was unlocking the door. “I just didn’t expect you to have a Doberman. You know they can get pretty big.”

I tried not to take offense to that statement, but I did because what did that mean? Was I supposed to have a toy poodle or something? And so what if I did? They were cute as hell too. Deep breath, Eleanor.

Luci met us right at the door. I anticipated this because I was sure she heard me speaking right outside. What I didn’t anticipate was for her to be snarling or for the fur along her spine to be standing basically straight up. She was as still as stone, and her eyes were pinned on Brad. I swear she’s shooting doggie daggers from her eyes at him. I moved closer to her, and she ignored me, keeping her glare on Brad.

“Luci girl, it’s okay. He’s a friend.” In response, she growled. I made my way back toward Brad, who was still standing in the doorway, eyes locked on Luci. But he didn’t look scared, he looked skeptical. Everything about this interaction made me confused and uncomfortable.

“Okay…” I dragged out the last syllable to try and get Brad’s attention away from my dog. “Let’s go back outside.” I turned and pushed Brad at the center of his chest back onto the stoop of the brownstone.

Sternly, and with my whole chest, I stated, “I think you should go.”

Brad ripped off his hat and shook his head, running his fingers through his tawny brown hair in frustration. The same hair I recently had my hands in. How did we go from that to this? Finally, he spoke up. “Wait, what? I thought you wanted to hang out more.”

“Yeah, I did. I do, but that was weird, and she has never acted that way before. Maybe we should try again another time.”

“Didn’t you say you could put her in her kennel?”

“Sure, I would have done that if she was being clingy, like she can get with me, or if she wouldn’t leave us alone. I thought she might try to rip your head off just now. She has never acted like that with anyone. Ever.”

“Okay, sure, fine. Whatever.” He readjusted his hat, and I was starting to recognize this as a nervous tick.

“Luci means more to me than you could ever begin to understand. So, I just think you should go, and we can plan another night out or something soon.”

The next words out of his mouth were nearly a shout. “We just walked all the way over here, the complete opposite direction of where I need to be going because you wanted to hang out more, and now you’re telling me ‘nevermind’?”

My eyebrow arched at his tone. I was not going to take someone talking to me this way. I almost hoped Ms. Nichols was still awake so she could yell at him. Nothing like a tiny old woman screaming vulgarities at you to humble you a bit. I just didn't understand why it was a big deal that I changed my mind. I felt the panic and anxiety creeping in, and my chest began to tighten. This was absolutely not the bullshit I wanted to be dealing with tonight nor what I anticipated when I invited him over.

“Brad, listen I—”

He interrupted me, voice even louder now. “No, you listen, Eleanor. This is bullshit…”

He was still talking, but all I could see was red. I didn’t know what he was saying, and I didn't care. My chest was pounding, my heartbeat was in my ears, and I knew a panic attack was forthcoming. I could feel the tears start to well, but now was not the time. I did everything in my power to keep the little bastards in my eyes. The last thing I needed was to show him weakness. He was clearly someone that would take that vulnerability and run. But my throat started to feel tight. Bundles of needles were blocking the air from going inside my body. What I needed was to take a deep breath and speak my piece, go back inside, calm Luci down, take a scalding hot shower, have a cup of tea, and go to sleep. Finally, he stopped talking.

I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and channeled my inner bitch. “Are you done?” Without giving him time to respond, I continued. “Good. Brad, for a moment, I considered letting this simply be a sign that this wasn’t the night to continue hanging out and maybe going for round two of what went down in Giordana’s office another time. But you made it really fucking clear for me just now that this was never going to be more than whatever this was tonight.” He tried to interrupt me, but I didn't give him a chance. Putting my hand up in his face, I kept talking. “No, I’m not done. I’m not going to stand out here and let you talk to me like this, and I won’t even consider giving you the courtesy of an explanation as to why I’m telling you to leave. So, Brad, kindly fuck off.” My sheer rage carried me inside.

Luci was sitting in the middle of my minuscule living room, tongue lolling out of her mouth, as if nothing ever happened. Peeking out of my front window, Brad was storming off like an enraged toddler.

“Maybe I should thank you, sweet girl.” I scratched behind her ear as I passed by. Lili appeared from behind the sofa and began purring and rubbing all over Luci. I couldn't be more grateful for both of them.

I made my way to my bedroom, the adrenaline from my interaction with Brad wearing off quickly, and the monster of panic and anxiety was working its way back in. My fingers and toes had started to tingle and go numb. Pins and needles were taking residence in my extremities. Once I made it to my bedroom, I tossed my purse on my bed. I stripped my clothes off piece by piece: boot, boot, sock, sock, harness, dress, panties. Taking inventory of everything I did seemed monotonous, but it helped tremendously. I turned the knob in the shower all the way to the hot setting. I knew a burning hot shower would ease this feeling, or at the very least, I would be able to work through the panic attack while feeling like I was melting my skin off.

Before stepping into the shower, I decided to quickly text Giordana.

Eleanor:

Hey G. I’m home, alone. I’ll text you tomorrow. Love you mean it.

I didn’t wait for a response. I tossed my phone back on the bed. Once I finally got in the shower, my hands and feet were fully numb. I sank into the tub while the water ran and let the sobs take over. I definitely did not anticipate tonight going that way.