Chapter 11 - A Million Rainbows

“Here you go.” I pushed a pretzel in front of Charlie, redirecting her focus so she would quit fiddling with the straw dispenser. “Hey, Em.” I turned to Emily behind me in the line. “Can we sit for a bit? Charlie can’t walk and eat.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Go snag a bench.”

“Come on, Charlie.” I reached for her hand, finding a spot in the middle of the busy corridor. It was a cold, rainy Saturday, and with the movie theater next door, the mall was packed.

Charlie scooted onto the bench, wiggling, and sliding around on the smooth, slatted wood. “Sit still. You’re going to spill the cheese.” I placed the container of melted cheese beside her; it would be a mistake.

It took two seconds. Charlie dunked her pretzel, and I had to go in for the rescue, catching a gooey drop in a napkin before it landed in her pink lap.

A stray glob found its way into her hair, and I was trying to clean it out when Emily came up behind me, whispering right into my ear and scaring the crap out of me. “Bree, your boyfriend’s here.”

She was talking about Kyle, who was not my boyfriend (obviously), but that was who she meant.

“What? Where?” I twisted and scanned the busy scene.

Emily’s hands were full, holding her drink and pretzel. She nudged her chin in the direction of the Starbucks across and down the hall from us.

Kyle and Ryan were at the counter.

“Oh, no …” I said, my breath hitching. I stared tensely at Kyle, overwhelmed with indecision. “I think I’m gonna go talk to him.” I hadn’t expected to veer that way, but it felt right.

Emily’s eyes widened. “You are?” She hadn’t expected it either.

“Yeah, I need to thank him for the bread.”

She laughed.

“What? I do,” I said, dragging out a note of irritation, but I was mostly embarrassed.

“Okay. Go thank him for the bread. I’ll wait here with Charlie.”

I turned around to Emily sitting beside Charlie on the bench. “No. I need Charlie. She’s my security blanket around him.”

Emily slipped an arm around Charlie, keeping her close. “No, you don’t. Go without Charlie.”

“Fine.” I blew out a nervous breath, hesitating.

Emily got up. She brushed a strand of hair from my eyes. “I did an awesome job on your makeup. You look really pretty.”

“Thanks.” I handed her my pretzel with shaky hands.

Why was I so nervous? I really did just want to thank him for the bread. I would go over there, say thanks, say bye, and be done.

Kyle was paying for his drink. His friend Ryan saw me inching closer, then I was just standing there waiting for Kyle to turn around.

I didn’t know Ryan. Looks-wise, he was very typical. Attractive enough. Averagely tall, averagely white, with short, brown, boy hair. He dressed nicely. Not as perfect as Kyle did. His clothes looked more worn, but… Anyway, I didn’t know him. And I felt weird saying hi, so I didn’t.

Kyle turned around, and I didn’t say hi to him, either.

He was too quick.

“Oh shit, Dover!” His big smile and bright eyes seemed genuine. But Kyle always had that smile, so it probably wasn’t meant for me. But it seemed like it was.

“Hey, Kyle,” I said, my voice small and unsure.

I was second-guessing myself, thinking it had been a mistake to come over. I was completely lost for words. Nothing was coming to me.

The bread.

“I wanted to say thanks for the bread,” I said, regretting it instantly.

Kyle’s smile grew, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

Oh god, he thought I was being weird.

“You’re welcome,” he said, holding his gaze on me and turning to Ryan. “Hey Ryan, this is Bree. Bree, Ryan.”

“Hey,” I said with a polite but very stiff smile.

Ryan gave one abrupt, expressionless nod and sent a “Yo” in my direction. “Kyle, I’ll be at Spencer’s,” he said, walking off.

Kyle frowned at him but came back to me with a smile. “Ryan can be a socially awkward asshole sometimes, just ignore him.” He shoved his wallet into his back pocket. “So what are you up to?” I followed him to the condiment bar where he grabbed a straw.

“Um … I’m here with Emily. We’re going to a movie later.”

“What are you guys seeing?” He pierced his drink and tossed the wrapper down the trash chute.

We moved out of the way, to a tall table with stools, Kyle, placing his drink and a small GameStop shopping bag (I had been expecting Foot Locker) on top of it.

“Well, we have Charlie with us, so the kids’ movie that’s playing.” I was glad for the table, glad to have something between us, glad to have something stable to hold on to because my legs were now Jell-O.

Kyle scanned the mall for Charlie, smiling when he spotted her on the bench. “Is that the one with the yeti?”

“Yeah.”

He bunched up his lips, mulling some thought. “No. I couldn’t do that to Ryan,” he said, an idea, I guess, thwarted. He was still looking thoughtful, though. “What time is your movie?”

“Six something.”

Kyle checked his phone. “So you’ve got two hours?” He pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, chewing on another thought. “Can you hang out?”

“Um …” The request seized my brain, and I left the silence lingering for far too long. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. There might be kids from school here, and I didn’t know if Emily would be okay with Kyle and Ryan tagging along with us. I didn’t know how to answer him.

Kyle lifted his drink, taking a long sip as he stared at me. He placed it back down. “Did you really come over here just to thank me for the bread?”

I took a nervous breath. “Yeah,” I said. “No. I don’t know. I just wanted to say hi.” I shook my head, feeling so stupid. “Sorry.”

Dammit, Emily. I did need Charlie.

I was focusing on Kyle’s hands around his drink, too embarrassed to look up.

“Hey, Bree.”

“Yeah,” I said, lifting my eyes.

His lips popped open. “Can I buy you a coffee?”

I let Kyle buy me a Frappuccino, and I agreed to hang out with him for two hours. Two hours. How was I going to get through two hours without dying? If that initial interaction with him told me anything, then I would be succumbing to either lack of oxygen or mortal embarrassment before the time was up.

Emily was no help. I had gone to her, pleading with her to give me an excuse to get out of it, but she had been happy, practically giddy over the idea, her red lips so stretched with glee I wanted to smack them off her face.

We were walking together, a couple of steps behind Ryan, Kyle, and Charlie. Charlie had wanted to walk with Kyle, and he was holding her hand. It was funny because Kyle and Ryan didn’t realize they needed to walk at the much slower Charlie-speed, and she had to do little skips every other step to keep up. She didn’t seem to mind, though.

As it turned out, Ryan could say a lot more than “Yo” when he was talking about sports. He and Kyle had gone into a conversation about football, a foreign language to me and Emily, and we trailed behind as they rambled.

Emily was having her own conversation about the new video post she was planning for Instagram. I was quietly, happily, sipping my Frappuccino and trying not to stare at Kyle’s …

Nope—I wasn’t even going to think that.

We were passing the Disney store, and I was already prepared and was already holding my breath when Charlie tugged on Kyle’s hand to stop him.

“What is it, Pumpkin Patch?” She pointed at the store window, to a Frozen Halloween costume that was on display.

“Elsa,” she said, pulling Kyle to the entrance.

“Oh no, Charlie,” I said, swooping in once again to stop another messy meltdown. “Not now. We’ll come back another time.”

Charlie’s shoulders slumped, her frown strong, and actual tears brimmed in her eyes within seconds. How did she even do that?

Kyle’s face got all frumpy, like he too was about to cry. “There’s no way we can say no to that, right?” He gestured toward Charlie. “I mean, look at her.”

Oh no. Her plan was working. I shook my head. “It’s going to make it worse. She’ll want to keep the dress.”

“No, I won’t. I just want to wook,” said Charlie, giving Kyle her most pity-inducing strawberry pout, cutely pinched and pulled up because of her scar.

Kyle mimicked her, throwing pleading puppy dog eyes my way. They had ganged up on me. What the hell?

I sighed. “Okay. Just for a minute. But we can’t get that dress.” I turned to Emily behind me. “That’s okay. Right?”

“Yeah, this is Disney. I love Disney.” Emily did love Disney. Her favorite movie was Moana.

Neither Kyle nor I checked with Ryan, who casually strolled in beside us, keeping his opinion about Disney to himself.

It was a big store with lots of colorful movie magic everywhere. Charlie spotted the rack of glittery Elsa dresses before I did and ran over to it. We lost Emily and Ryan to the lure of the store, but Kyle and I followed Charlie.

I pulled her size from the rack and held it to her small frame. She wrapped it in a hug, doing a little twirl, shaking the ruffles from side to side. “It’s very pretty,” I said, smiling at Charlie, who looked too happy with the dress.

“She could try it on,” said Kyle.

“What?” That idea seemed crazy. We didn’t do stuff like that. Why try it on if you couldn’t afford to get it? “Do they allow that? I really can’t buy it.”

“Yeah. They don’t know that.”

I felt like they probably did know that just by looking at me, but I kept that to myself.

“Bree, it’ll be fine. Let her try it on.”

I tossed the idea around. Kyle, with his salon-cut hair and Nikes and perfect everything standing beside me, was giving me some confidence. And Charlie twirling, hugging the dress with her eyes closed and dreamy was kind of breaking my heart.

I knelt to her level, meeting her baby blues. “Look, Charlie. You can try it on. But it’ll only be for a couple of minutes, then we have to leave it here. You understand?”

Charlie nodded, a glowing smile brightening her face.

I smiled back. “Okay. Come on.”

I handed Kyle my drink and took Charlie’s hand and the dress to the fitting rooms, shuffling into the small cubicle with her.

Kyle was waiting at the door when we came out.

“Hey, Elsa,” he said. “What did you guys do with Charlie?”

“I’m right here,” giggled Charlie. She twirled around, the puffy dress, blooming.

I took a step back, standing beside Kyle to admire her. She shined just like a princess. A beautiful redheaded Elsa princess.

“Hey, Pumpkin Patch, go stand over there near the snowman. I’ll take a picture.” There was an elaborate Frozen display with dolls and plushies and a life-size cardboard cutout of Olaf from the movie. Kyle had his phone ready, and Charlie stood next to Olaf, smiling for her photo op.

He took several pictures, handing me his phone when he was done. With the soft lighting from the store, and the dress, and the picture-perfect backdrop, and perhaps a little help from the camera on Kyle’s iPhone X, the photos were dreamy and perfect.

“Hey, Kyle, can you email these to me?” I asked, handing back his phone.

“Oh yeah. Hey, give me your number. I’ll send them to you now,” he said, his voice cracking just enough for me to notice.

“Well, I don’t think my phone can even open these photos.”

“What are you talking about? What kind of phone do you have?”

“It’s a crappy flip phone.”

“Are you serious?” The confusion was etched deep in Kyle’s forehead. “They still make those?”

“Yeah.”

Kyle shook his head, his dimples popping in as he held back a smile.

“What?”

“Well, Dover, the plan was to indirectly ask you for your number, but now that’s out.”

My heart stopped. Had he just directly asked me for my number?

I took a breath, focusing on Charlie dancing with Olaf, too nervous to look him in the eyes. “You can have my number,” I said, my heart a drum. “I don’t have any minutes, but you can still have it.”

“No minutes? What the hell kind of phone do you have?”

He was smirking when I lifted my eyes. “It’s pay as you go, and I don’t usually put too many minutes on it.”

“Let me see.” He held out a hand.

“You want to see my phone?”

“Yeah, I don’t believe it’s real.”

I laughed, pulling my small flip phone from my purse and handing it to him.

Kyle clicked it open and closed a couple of times like it was a Zippo.

He handed it back, his hand lingering on the phone, our fingers grazing as I grabbed it. “Give me your number, anyway,” he said, sliding his hand away and chewing his lip a little. The overhead lights shone a spotlight on the quick pulse in his throat—Kyle was nervous.

“Sure,” I said. Kyle being nervous was making me nervous, and my cheeks were heating up.

He pulled out his phone, tapping at the screen. “Is that Brianna with an I?”

I nodded.

“And two N’s?”

“Yeah.”

Kyle typed the rest without help. “Do … verr,” he said, stretching the name out with a smile. I gave him my number, and he shut off his phone, tucking it back into his pocket.

He had my stupid, pointless number on his phone. A number that would be no good unless I could score more babysitting gigs, and even then, I wouldn’t be using the money for minutes. But I was smiling. Kyle had my useless number on his phone, but he also had my name.

“Hey, Bree, my glasses are ready,” said Emily, moving into our territory with her head down, her eyes on her screen, missing a great opportunity to gawk at me.

Because the smile I had just snuffed had been way too big.

Kyle and Ryan quickly realized what Emily and I already knew. That hanging out with a seven-year-old greatly dictated your every move.

We had stopped by two other kid stores, a roped-off playground area, and the bathrooms before reaching LensCrafters for Emily.

Emily was with a consultant, getting her new glasses fitted. We lost Ryan to the food court at some point while we were walking over.

I moved around the store with Kyle and Charlie by my side.

It was weird because this store had so many mirrors and every time I passed one, I felt like I was being pulled from a dream. And the strangest part was that, in reality, Kyle was still standing beside me. And even stranger than that, was the fact that it was starting to feel normal.

I found my way over to the women’s section, eyeing the assortment of glasses and sinking a little at the price tags.

“Let me see,” said Kyle.

“What?”

“The glasses.”

I had picked up a pair of large black frames I thought looked cool; the three-hundred-dollar price tag confirmed they probably were. “You want me to put these on?”

“Yes,” said Kyle. He flicked his eyebrows expectantly.

“Okay.” I wasn’t so sure, but it was a stupid thing to argue about. I unfolded them and put them on, adjusting my hair a little to get it out of the way.

I stiffly shrugged my shoulders in Kyle’s direction to see what he thought.

His face brightened with a look of approval. “Shit, Dover, you got to get them. You look … um …” He laughed. “Very good.”

I blushed and rolled my eyes a little, pretty sure Kyle had just stopped himself from calling me hot. I removed the glasses to put them back.

“No, wait, you didn’t even see.” Kyle tugged on my arm, pulling me a couple of feet to a mirror mounted on the wall.

I put the glasses back on and stared at my reflection. I didn’t know if I looked hot, but I liked the glasses. They made me look smarter. More sophisticated. Older.

Maybe this is what I would look like when things were better. When I had more control over my life. Future me, living the life I dictated.

It was a future that seemed further and further out of reach the closer I got to it. And I was struggling to push forward. There was so much uncertainty, so much pushing back, and I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough for all of it anymore.

“Bree, what’s up?” I stirred at the touch of Kyle’s hand on my wrist. He was taking over for me, rubbing his thumb over my tattoo. What the hell? That was too sweet, and now I was definitely going to start crying in front of him.

“Nothing,” I said, pulling away. “The glasses are really nice.” I turned away from the mirror, pulling them off and placing them back on the shelf.

I had too many tears in my eyes. Too many to hide without having to wipe them away with my sleeve, which made hiding them impossible. Kyle was behind me, waiting for an answer. Waiting for an explanation.

I liked Kyle. Of course, I did. But I decided right then and there to admit it to myself. If he liked me, I didn’t know. I thought he might, but it still seemed so unlikely that dwelling on that possibility was just stupid.

But I liked Kyle, whether he liked me back or not. And if I didn’t say something to try and explain the waterworks over a pair of stupid glasses, at the stupid mall, when we’d been having a normal, nice time, then he would be out the door before he ever really entered.

I turned to face him. He had Charlie by the hand, which made me smile. “Kyle, I can’t afford three-hundred-dollar Gucci glasses. I think that’s what it was.” I lifted my shoulders. “I’m not sure.”

That was the honest truth. It made no sense, but it was the truth. I didn’t even want the glasses. I would have been happy with fifty-dollar Walmart frames just so I could see.

Kyle stared back, letting the somber air sit between us. “That’s good,” he said, “because they were Armani.”

I laughed, some of the crushing weight, lifting with his much-welcomed humor.

Kyle took a step forward, his lips twitching nervously like he was unsure of what to say.

“Thanks,” I said, filling the silence so he didn’t have to worry about it.

Kyle’s eyes rolled up. They fell back on me. “Why are you thanking me?”

I was thanking him for the bread, and for almost calling me hot, and for my number in his phone, and for holding Charlie’s hand, and for the way he was looking at me now like he saw me instead of my clothes.

“Um … the Frappuccino … I guess.” I was really hoping he knew I meant more than just the coffee.

Kyle kept this gaze on me and lifted a sparkling white Nike. He gently kicked the toe of my dingy no brand sneakers. “You’re welcome, Dover.”

The best part about going to the mall with Emily was getting to sleep over at her house afterward.

She lived with both of her parents. They weren’t divorced. And I think they were even happy. Maybe. At least happy enough to still be together.

And they always had something for dinner. Sometimes at the dining room table, which was the strangest thing to me, like we were acting out a scene from a sitcom or something.

Her house was normal. Normal sized, with normal furnishings. They had some nice stuff, but nothing too fancy. It was a little messy at times. She had two younger brothers, and the house was often cluttered with toys. But it was never overwhelming or gross. It just looked lived in.

And her parents were nice. They let Charlie come with me when I stayed over. No one ever seemed to mind Charlie. She was so quiet, her curly red hair, too cute. And I thought sometimes others sensed the magic that surrounded her, even if they didn’t know what it was they were sensing. They just knew she was special … the same way I did.

Charlie was on the floor, sleeping in a sleeping bag Emily used for camping—her family did that normal kind of stuff. Charlie had been pretty excited about the sleeping bag.

Emily and I were in her twin-sized bed together. She had her phone out and was flipping through her Instagram account.

I was on the edge of a dream. “Hey, Em,” I said.

“Yeah?”

“Guys don’t ask you for your number if they don’t like you, right?”

She shut off her phone, letting the blackness take over the room. “Bree, guys don’t give you bread if they don’t like you.”

I smiled, and, because of the dark, I didn’t try to hold it back. “Okay. I was just checking.”