Chapter 25 - A Million Rainbows

Mom’s book was really good. Not just kind of good, but kind of great, actually.

I was into it.

The woodsy cabin setting was perfect, so dark and eerie. I loved her heroine Jessie, who seemed so real and was so fully developed that I felt every good and horribly bad thing that happened to her. The plot was layered with intrigue and mystery … and the murders were wonderfully gruesome. And the reveal at the end was perfect and so incredibly sad that I was in tears as I read the last page.

“What are you reading?” asked Kyle.

There were a zillion benefits to having Kyle as a boyfriend. One of those benefits was that I got unexpected, random kisses from him. Like, we didn’t have to be doing anything special or even close to romantic, and he would just come up and hug me and kiss me out of nowhere. Sigh.

He was currently nuzzling sweet kisses near my ear. I was lying on the sectional in the game room at his house, and he was trying to squeeze in next to me.

I closed the notebook. “It’s my mom’s book,” I said, scooting over to make room for him. Another benefit to having Kyle as a boyfriend was that I got to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

“Is she writing again?” he asked.

I had told him a few things about Mom, filling him in on all the easy parts, leaving out the rest.

“Yeah. Hey, can I use your computer?”

Kyle popped up from the couch. He went into his room, where Charlie was watching TV. “How’s it going in here, Pumpkin Patch?” he said, his voice carrying through the open door. I imagined him reaching and tickling her because a moment later she was giggling.

Kyle came back out with his laptop, handing it to me. “What do you need the computer for?”

“I was thinking about typing it out and editing it for her.”

“Her book?” He sat down and took Mom’s notebook from me, flipping through it. “Shit, she wrote the whole thing by hand?”

“Yeah, and she’s going to leave it there on those pages. I know she is.”

“I’ll tell you what,” said Kyle. He put the notebook down. There was a mischievous spark in his eyes and cute, deeply set dimples in his smile. “You make out with me for five minutes, and I’ll let you have that computer.”

I rolled my eyes. He didn’t have to bribe me to get a kiss, and there was no way I was taking his computer. “I’ll work on it when I’m here.”

He scrunched up his lips, looking hurt. “What, you don’t want to kiss me?”

I was smiling and blushing and shaking my head.

Kyle inched closer. He took the computer and put it on the coffee table, then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me next to him. “Five minutes,” he muttered, and he was on my lips, pushing me back onto the couch.

“Hey, Bree.” Kyle was lying on the couch with the remote in hand, flipping through movies.

I was typing the first pages of Mom’s book, starting on the last few chapters since that was the current notebook I had. I don’t think Mom even realized I was taking her notebooks; she’d said nothing about it. And I would have to sneak into her room to get the other ones.

I was pretty absorbed and was still typing like a million monkeys when Kyle pressed his toes into my hip, reminding me he was there.

I looked up. “Yeah?”

He chewed his lip for a second. “Uh … you can talk about your mom in front of me. You know that, right? It’s between you and me. I won’t say anything to my mom.”

I had kind of mentioned that I was worried about his mom asking too many questions. “Yeah, I know,” I said with a stiff nod. Talking about mom was never what I wanted to do, and I definitely didn’t want to bug Kyle with all my stupid Mom problems.

He sat up, settling beside me. “But you never talk about her.”

I shrugged. “There’s not much to talk about. She’s an addict. I don’t know what else to say.” I was getting annoyed just talking about Mom. Getting through an actual conversation about her would be like rubbing sandpaper over my teeth.

“Well, you can complain about it to me,” he said, his eyebrows pulling together, all worried. “That’s what I meant. I mean, you never complain about her.”

I leaned my head back against the couch, closing my eyes with a sigh.

Kyle moved in, softly kissing my cheek. I turned my head and opened my eyes. He was right there, an inch away, looking at me with really sweet, patient eyes.

“But it wouldn’t make any difference,” I mumbled. “It wouldn’t change anything,”

“No, I know. But just talking helps sometimes, you know? You don’t need to keep everything to yourself.”

“Yeah,” I said, agreeing, but it was really hard. “I’m just used to dealing with it on my own. Sorry.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to anymore.” He pressed a kiss to my lips, then stared at me for a second, his expression somber and thoughtful and a little unsure. “And hey,” he said, “you can complain about Lyndsay, too.”

My throat tightened. “Lyndsay?” That had come at me unexpectedly. I wasn’t sure why he had brought her up.

“Yeah,” he said, his head swaying a little. “I mean, okay …” He sat up straighter, getting all serious on me. “Well, it’s just that she called me last night. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have picked up … But, anyway, she was mostly just trying to get me back. Crying and crap.

“But she mentioned something about how you told her to call? I don’t know. I just got the feeling there was stuff going on between you guys that you haven’t been telling me about?”

I put the laptop on the coffee table, pulling my legs onto the couch and turning to face Kyle. “I did tell her to call you.”

Kyle shook his head, looking puzzled. “You did?”

“Yeah, um …” I swallowed nervously. “I don’t know. I just felt like she needed to hear it from you. That it’s really over between the two of you.”

He narrowed his gaze. “Okay? I did tell her that. I told her that a while ago. What’s been going on?”

I buried my face in my hands, hating this so much.

“Hey, just tell me.” He pulled my hands away, his gaze imploring.

Ugh—he wasn’t gonna let it go. “It’s not that big of a deal. She’s just been bugging me. Her and her friends.”

A look of pain and regret washed over Kyle. “I’m so sorry, Bree.” He shook his head, then lowered it, resting his forehead on my shoulder, lifting it again. “So what are they actually doing?”

“Um, mostly just running their mouths.” I stared at my hands, unable to look him in the eyes. It was so dumb. I had let them get to me, actually letting them make me feel as small and pathetic as they were.

“Mostly? So what else?”

I shook my head, not really wanting to go into the rest of it.

“Look, just tell me,” said Kyle. “I’ll tell you a story after that will make you question why I ever dated Lyndsay in the first place.”

“I already question that.” There was a bitter taste in my mouth, but I was mostly joking.

Kyle bobbed his head. “Yeah, I bet you do,” he said. “So what? What is she doing?”

I pulled in a deep breath, letting it out again. “Well, I have gym with Lyndsay. She keeps messing with my stuff, ruining it.”

“What, like your clothes?”

“Yeah,” I said grumpily, getting irritated with her all over again. “She took my hoodie. Thanks to you, I was able to get a new one, but she ruined my Kyle shirt.”

Kyle laughed. “You have a Kyle shirt? How did I not know about that?”

I managed a smile because Kyle was sitting right next to me, and, really, all my shirts could be Kyle shirts now. “It was my blue T-shirt. The one I wore the night we watched The Shining.”

He frowned. “That wasn’t your Kyle shirt. That was your first kiss shirt. How did she ruin it?”

“She wrote on it with marker. I’m sure you can figure out what she wrote without me having to say it. Emily’s trying to fix it for me.”

Kyle sighed. “Do you want me to talk to Lyndsay? Tell her to back off?”

“No, I don’t want you to talk to her.” I blew out my cheeks. “Not if you’re really done with her.”

Kyle looked me straight in the eyes. He was nodding. “I am. I’m a hundred percent done with her. Ten thousand percent done. Infinity percent done. I swear.”

I laughed. “Okay. Then just leave it. She’s just trying to get me to break up with you. She’ll stop once she realizes it’s not working.”

Kyle raised an eyebrow. A cute smile pulled on his lips. “So it’s not working? You’re not going to break up with me?”

“Um … no,” I said, laughing at that idea. “It’s not working. Not even a little. I’d have to be crazy.”

Kyle leaned in with a kiss. “I’m really glad to hear that.” He stared at me and took a short, focused breath. “Okay, I’m going to tell you my story. All about me and Lyndsay. Right now. That way we won’t have to talk about her again, and you’ll know everything, and you won’t have to worry, thinking that I’m going to get back with her.”

“I wasn’t really worried, Kyle. I told her to call you with some confidence.”

He laughed. “Okay, I’ll tell you, anyway. Just because I really would like to move past her.”

I nodded.

Kyle took a deep breath. “So we started dating the middle of freshman year. It was right after my brother died. I was a wreck back then, as you can probably imagine. I mean, I did have a big crush on Lyndsay before that, but I can barely even remember when we first started going out. And then she was just there after that.

“Uh, so she wasn’t my first kiss, but she was my first everything else, and I think that may be why I didn’t question anything or break up with her, even when there were obvious red flags.

“I mean, it wasn’t all bad. I can’t pretend that it was all bad. It was okay sometimes. She was okay sometimes. But the stuff you’re saying doesn’t really surprise me, you know?

“She’s always made stupid comments about people, kids at school, making fun of them and stuff. But the one thing that sticks out to me was something she said to Billie Sanders. Do you know him? He’s a year below us?”

I nodded. I knew who Billy Sanders was. Billy had cerebral palsy and walked with crutches.

Kyle continued, “So Lyndsay made a really rude, completely thoughtless comment, making fun of the way he walked. And Billie was right behind her, obviously in earshot. I couldn’t believe it. It was awful. Mortifying. Totally uncalled for. I still cringe, thinking about that.”

“Haven’t I seen you talking to him before, at lunch?” Kyle talked to everybody, and I could have sworn I’d seen him at Billy’s table on more than one occasion.

“Yeah, we’re buddies now. I went back and apologized for Lyndsay that day. Billy’s cool.

“Anyway, there were other things about her. Uh … like she and my mom never got along. And my mom’s usually a pretty good judge of character.” He nudged my arm when he said that, making me smile.

“But, anyway, she was always breaking up with me and then crying her heart out, like she did last night, until I would take her back. I always took her back, too. It became such a regular thing that it seemed normal, you know?

“The last time she broke up with me was in August, but I probably would have taken her back again if you hadn’t come along. I mean, I know I would have.

“I was really just waiting for graduation. She’s going to New York for college, and I told her I was going to Stanford. So basically, I was just waiting it out. Which I realize is a jerk thing to do, but yeah.

“It was never great between us, not awful, but not great. And even though she kept breaking up with me, I think she did it knowing I would take her back. When I told her it was really over a few weeks ago, that was the first time I’d broken up with her and not the other way around. So I think she’s taking it a lot harder because she knows it’s actually over this time.

“And it is. It’s actually over. Even if you wanted nothing to do with me. It would still be over between me and Lyndsay. You’ve kind of opened my eyes.”

“I have?” I was taken aback by that.

Kyle leaned into me, nuzzling near my ear. “Yes,” he whispered with a kiss to my cheek. “I thought all that shit with Lyndsay was normal, you know? I didn’t realize how good it could be.” He stared at me for a second, squinting his eyes thoughtfully, a smile pulling on his lips. “If I had just looked a little closer at that cute girl who was always, always, always, right in front of me.” He laughed. “I can’t believe you were always there.” He shook his head regretfully. “Stupid. Stupid. I swear, if you had had these glasses, then I would have taken notice.”

He tapped the new glasses he had bought for me. It was Sunday now, and I’d had them for a few days. But he hadn’t stopped talking about them.

“The glasses would have done it?” I was rolling my eyes at him. He was such a liar.

“Yes, the glasses would have done it for all the guys in our school. I’m just glad everyone knows about us now. Keep those assholes away.”

He put an arm around me, squeezing me to his side. “So that was okay?” he asked. “The infodump on Lyndsay? I know I talk too much sometimes, just like my mom. You’re free to tell me to shut up, anytime.”

“No,” I said. “No, that was perfect. You’re always perfect. Always.”

Kyle shook his head. “No, that’s not true. I’m not perfect.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one,” I said because it was true. Absolutely true.

I paused for a second. “So it wasn’t always bad between you and Lyndsay, right? I mean, you were happy sometimes?”

Kyle’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, sure,” he said, sounding hesitant to answer. “Why?”

I thought back to my memories of Kyle. “Well, Kyle Roberts was always happy in my mind.”

“He was?”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know about your brother. Sorry. But I thought you were on top of the world. All of the time. I liked that about you. I hate thinking you weren’t happy.”

Kyle lifted an eyebrow. “You’re worried about past me?” He laughed. “Okay, Brianna Dover … so back then I didn’t give me and Lyndsay’s relationship as much thought as I have been lately, so it didn’t bother me much. You can rest assured that I was happy.”

“Good,” I said with a satisfied nod. I really needed that to be true, and I was happy I believed him.

Kyle was shaking his head at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said with a small chuckle. “You’re still surprising me. That’s all.”

I decided to take that as a good thing.

“So you’re going to be okay at school with Lyndsay?” he asked. “I really feel like I should say something.”

“Let’s just give it some time. She’s bound to get tired, right?” I didn’t even believe that when I said it. She was fighting for Kyle. She wasn’t going to give up so easily. The worry in Kyle’s eyes told me he didn’t believe it, either.

“Can I really complain to you about her?”

“Yes, definitely do that. I need to know what’s going on. Like, seriously, I need to know.”

I nodded. “Okay, then it’ll be fine.”

We both let out a weary sigh at the same time.

“This is the shit you didn’t want to have to deal with, huh?” Kyle asked.

“Ha, well, I don’t know. I may have underestimated Lyndsay just a bit. But this in-your-face approach she’s taking is a little better than rumors, I guess.” I sighed—if I had my choice, I would take none of it. “But it’s my fault it got out. I can deal with it.” I lifted a smile to Kyle. “I bet you’re glad it’s my fault, huh?”

He laughed. “Yeah, just a little.” He paused. “It is kind of my fault though, isn’t it? If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be dealing with any of this crap.”

“Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have you.” That thought made me want to cry.

“So it’s an okay trade-off?” Kyle asked with a cute smirk.

“I’d say so.” I was staring at his lips because I really wanted to kiss him, but I was too nervous to make the move. He noticed and smiled, helping me out by leaning in halfway. The rest was easy because he smelled like heaven, and I couldn’t resist.

Kyle pushed me away. “We need a kissing break.” He took a long breath, releasing it.

I laughed. “We do?”

“Yep,” he said with finality, and the decision was made. “So I have a question for you.”

The way he said that, all serious and focused, scared me. And the way he was looking at me with worried, searching eyes scared me, too.

I pushed my hands between my thighs. “Okay?”

“I want to know if Brianna Dover was happy?” he said.

“You mean before you?”

“Yeah.”

I took a breath and was about to answer, thinking I’d go with a simple lie. One that would make this conversation so much easier. I breathed out a sigh; I couldn’t even pretend.

“No,” I said. “I was waiting to be happy. I’ve always just been envisioning a different life and trying to focus on it, thinking I would get there one day, maybe. That’s why I’ve been working so hard at school. It’s my only ticket to that life.”

Kyle nodded. “And now? Are you happy now?”

I shrugged.

“Can I ask you to try?” he said. “I know it’s hard with everything going on with your mom, and Lyndsay and other stuff I don’t know about, but I want you to try. Now. And not wait for some other time.”

Try to be happy? That made no sense to me. “How do you try to be happy?” I asked.

Kyle looked away for a second, thinking about that. “So one reason I may have seemed happy all this time was because of my brother. He was only twenty-four when he died. That gave me a good kick in the butt at an early age. It really opened my eyes to how short life can actually be.

“And my brother was awesome. A really great person. He would have wanted me to be happy. He wouldn’t have wanted me to waste my time being sad about him or anything. So I kind of made a conscious choice shortly after he died to try and do that. It’s not always easy, but it’s easier than being sad.”

Kyle tugged on my hand. “I realize our situations are a lot different. And that it’s so much easier said than done, but I want you to try. Because you’re one of the nicest people I know, just like my brother, and you deserve to be happy. And you deserve that now. Not later.”

I was crying like usual because of Kyle, my cheeks soaked in tears. “Well, I am happy when I’m around you.”

He tilted his head. “You’re not completely happy around me.”

I shrugged because I didn’t know how to talk about this stuff and crying was making it that much harder.

Kyle squeezed my hand. “You can trust me, Bree.”

“I know, but …” I closed my eyes, trying to find some courage.

Kyle moved his thumb over my tattoo, sending it to me.

“Okay,” I said, opening my eyes to look at him. “So … I am happy with you, Kyle. I really am. You make me want to cry all the time, but I am happy.”

He narrowed his gaze curiously at that but didn’t say anything.

“Um … but when I’m not with you, I feel like I’m drowning. I always feel like that. Like the world is too heavy, and it’s closing in on me. And it’s just getting heavier. And I don’t feel strong enough to hold it up anymore.

“And I don’t even know how I was going to get through this year without you, because it’s just getting worse. And god, you were like some kind of lifeline sent to me or something. I don’t know. I sometimes try to figure out why you’re even here, and I always think it must have been Charlie or some other supernatural thing that tossed you my way. Just when I needed you.”

Kyle squeezed my hand. “Why is it getting worse?”

I blinked another roll of tears, keeping my eyes closed, remaining silent. Because the answer to that question was too big and scary, and I couldn’t face it right now.

Kyle used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe my tears away. He was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt that must have been brand new, it being so clean and white, and it was getting ruined because I was wearing makeup.

“Kyle, no, your shirt,” I mumbled. “It’s going to get stained.”

He shook his head. “Uh … yeah, I don’t care about my shirt.” He pulled me into a hug, squeezing me to him. “Bree,” he said. “If you think of me as a lifeline, then use me as one. Okay? I want to be that for you. Whatever you need.”

I nodded and focused on my breathing, trying to calm down. Kyle just held me in his arms like that and waited for the world to lift away and settle.

We broke apart when Charlie came into the room. She was standing outside Kyle’s door. “Bree, I’m thirsty.”

Kyle gave me a quick kiss, then popped up from the couch. “I got it,” he said. He went over to the bar fridge to get her a water.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with my hands, then tilted my head, staring at Charlie for a second. She was wearing the pink sweater I had bought her and a pair of pink leggings and pink socks to complete the adorableness.

Her hair and clothes and cheeks were all wrinkled and messy like she had fallen asleep. She looked so bored and tired; she wanted to go home and see Mom.

“Come here,” I said, reaching out for her. She sulked over to me, and I pulled her into a hug. “You’re ready to go, huh?”

Charlie nodded into my shoulder.

I let go and kissed her forehead. “Okay. We’ll get going.”

Kyle was back. He handed Charlie a bottle of water and put a box of tissues in my lap.

“Is that okay?” I asked. It was still early. His mom was out, and we’d have to call a cab.

He sat beside me. “Yeah. Of course.”

I wiped my face with a tissue and waited for Charlie to drink some water. “All right, go to the bathroom if you have to. We’ll head out in a minute.”

Charlie scurried down the hall.

I folded over, resting my elbows on my knees. “This sucks,” I mumbled. Kyle put his hand on my shoulder. I pulled in a breath and sat up, facing him. “I always want to be here, and she always wants to be there.”

“And you don’t feel comfortable leaving her with your mom?”

I shook my head at that, trying to say sorry with my eyes, because I didn’t have it in me to explain it to him right now.

Kyle chewed on his lips for a second, his mouth opening and closing a couple of times before he finally decided to say what was on his mind. “Okay, I know what you’re going to say to this, but just hear me out …”

I sighed. “No, Kyle.” I already knew what he was going to suggest. “Trust me, you don’t want to hang out at my house.”

“Why not?”

My real answer was that my house was stupid, and gross, and was too cold and boring, and compared to his big, beautiful home, it would look like a storage closet. But I had an answer that would probably deter him. “Well, one thing, we don’t even have Wi-Fi.”

He laughed. “Now that’s unbelievable. I’ll give you that. But I have my phone. And I can bring movies. And board games. And candles.”

“Candles?”

“Yeah, because you must live in a cave, right? I mean, no Wi-Fi? What the hell is that?” He was smiling.

I slumped. Grumpily. Hating this.

But I knew I would have to yield somewhere or else he was bound to give up on me. I was quiet, trying to decide how bad it would be. I puffed out my cheeks, knowing it would be just as horrible as I feared.

“Come on,” he said. “It’ll be completely fine. I promise.”

“I’d have to clean first,” I said. “My mom never cleans, and it gets messy because I never feel like it either.”

“You don’t have to clean for me. I don’t clean this house. Why should you have to clean yours?”

I considered that. “How does your mom keep the house so clean? It’s so big?”

“Well, we don’t have a seven-year-old living with us. And we have a housekeeper that comes every week. Would your house be cleaner if you had a housekeeper every week?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“So there’s the answer to that.”

I stared back at Kyle in a daze, completely in awe of his ability to never, not even for a second, make me feel inferior to him. “Can I think about it?”

He smiled. “Yes, think about saying yes. I want to see your room.”

“My room’s boring. There’s nothing in there but my bed.”

His smile turned mischievous. “That’s the part I want to see.” He flicked his eyebrows at me.

I laughed, taking a long, deep breath and releasing it. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

“Yeah?” His face brightened.

“Yes,” I said (with a lot of reluctance).

Kyle looked so happy. Big dimples and sparkling eyes and everything. “And it’s still a no on Thanksgiving this week?” he asked.

I sighed. “Yeah.” I wanted to go to Sue’s Thanksgiving Day party. I knew it would be beautiful and amazing and delicious, and I was curious to know what Kyle’s dad was like. “I can’t. Charlie would be heartbroken. She needs to be with my mom, and my mom wouldn’t want to come.”

“Okay, well, if you change your mind. We’ll come get you.”

Kyle leaned in and kissed me, lingering on my lips a little longer because we were saying goodbye for the day.

He then sat back, surprising me when he raised his arms and sniffed his armpits. “Not too bad,” he said with a completely straight face, leaving me confused as hell. “Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

He got up and went into his room, coming back out a moment later, having changed into a different shirt. The white shirt he’d had on before was in his hands. “You’re right. It’s completely ruined,” he said, sitting back down and handing it to me.

“Are you giving it to me?”

“Yeah, you need a new Kyle shirt, right?”

I lifted it to my nose, breathing in his heavenly scent with a happy sigh. “Oh my god, this is so much better. Thank you.”

He reached for the laptop on the coffee table, handing that over as well. “And you’re going to borrow this—just borrow. I’ll take it back once you finish your mom’s book. But we have another computer downstairs that I can use if I need one, so it doesn’t matter when that is.”

Another benefit to having Kyle as a boyfriend was that he wasn’t just amazing, he was a contender for the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world. Like I could actually go buy that card at the store and give it to him, and it would be true.

And even more incredible—though I didn’t understand it—somehow, he was mine.