Chapter 34 - A Million Rainbows

“I’m definitely using you,” I said to Kyle.

We were sitting at the kitchen island at his house. It was covered in Chinese takeout boxes, and I was busy stuffing my face.

“Oh, yeah?” he said, dunking a chicken finger in duck sauce and catching the drips as he went for the bite. “How’s that?”

“You’re always feeding me. I swear, I’ve gained, like, five pounds since we started going out.”

Kyle laughed. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

I had a fork full of rice halfway in my mouth. I backed it out. “Oh my god, you’re not supposed to agree with that.” I laughed, twisting in my stool to try and kick him.

He leaned into me and placed his hand near my ass, attempting to squeeze it (but I was sitting down). “An extra five pounds is a beautiful thing on you, Bree.”

I covered my face in shame, sneaking a worried glance at my backside; maybe my jeans were a little too tight.

Kyle sat back in his stool, the smile that had been on his face a second before, fading. His whole demeanor, changing. He was getting all serious on me. “Hey,” he said, “do you guys have enough food at home?”

He asked that casually as he took another bite of his chicken, like the question wasn’t completely weighted and awkward.

I pushed my fork around my plate. “Yeah, we do. Usually. It’s just boring food. Nothing worth pigging out on. And we always have bread.” Sue was still giving me bread every week, without fail. Kyle was still putting it in my bag every week, never even speaking of it. It was always just there.

Kyle wiped his mouth with a napkin, clearing his throat a little. “So … I don’t know how to say this without just saying it, but … my girlfriend shouldn’t usually have food, she should always have food. How can we fix that?”

He was asking for an acceptable way of giving me money to buy food. It was so uncomfortable and awkward, but I couldn’t help but think of Charlie.

I shrugged, not knowing what to say.

“Who shops for you guys? You or your mom?” Kyle asked.

“My mom, usually.”

“So she’s not always buying food.” He stated that instead of asking it because he already knew the answer. Kyle looked past me. He was thinking, working on his plan. “What if I set up an account online? You can have groceries delivered to you? It wouldn’t have to be much. Just whatever you and Charlie need.”

I breathed my worries out in a long sigh, taking a moment to answer. “Kyle, how much money does your dad give you? Isn’t he going to be upset if you keep spending it all on me? He probably means for you to buy clothes and stuff, right?”

Kyle’s dimples pinched. “I think I’ve got enough clothes. And my dad likes you. He’d give it to you himself. I know he would.”

That was completely news to me; I hadn’t even met his dad yet. “What are you talking about?”

Kyle’s mood switched on me again. This time he was being solemn and sad. “So I’ve been thinking about what you said. You know, about school and stuff, and I mentioned it to my dad. It was the first time I’d ever expressed any interest in being a doctor or going to Stanford, so he’s pretty happy.”

I nodded a sad smile. That meant Kyle was leaving.

But I was happy for him.

It was just me and him in the kitchen. His mom was out shopping. Their big house was always so quiet when we were alone like this. But the quiet room grew quieter. My heart, the whole world, stopping for a minute to cry with me. “Well, I’m glad he likes me,” I said, trying to get back onto the easier topic.

Kyle turned his stool to face me. “So I really don’t want to think about the end of the year today,” he said, “but when the time comes … if you still want to put up with me, then I’d be willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. Okay? Facetime. A million texts. Bluetooth, like Jim and Pam do on The Office. Lots of plane rides that I’ll make my dad pay for. Whatever. Just throwing that out there.” He paused, a shadow of uncertainty in his eyes. “What about you?”

My chest inflated, a rainbow flooding my soul. “You’re asking if I would be willing to make it work with you?”

“Yeah,” said Kyle with a small shrug. “I mean, I realize it’s a little too early to even be talking about it. And obviously, you don’t have to make any promises or anything. I just thought … Well, I just thought I’d let you know how I felt.” Kyle’s eyes shunted down and away. “Never mind, it was a stupid question.”

“Kyle,” I said, my heart, hurting with how much I loved him. “I don’t think you realize how much I care about you. Every day with you is a dream. I try not to think too far ahead because it feels greedy … But yes, of course. I’d be willing to do anything to keep you in my life.”

Kyle’s eyes were smiling, crying some too. “Okay. Well, like I said, let’s not think about it right now. It’s too fucking sad.” He leaned in, kissing me, then went back to his plate, taking another bite of food. “So what about you? You haven’t mentioned anything about school in a while. Have you heard back from anyone?”

My breath hitched, the large room closing in. “I haven’t heard back,” I said, tucking my hands between my thighs. “I sent my applications kind of last minute.”

That was the first blatant lie I ever told Kyle. I wanted to dig a deep hole, jump in and crash to the bottom just to get away from how awful it made me feel.

“Well, you have nothing to worry about, I’m sure,” he said, patting my thigh warmly.

I was quiet as I teetered on the edge of darkness. I was so afraid of what he would think of me if he knew the truth.

“So what was your answer on the groceries?” asked Kyle.

I took slow, calculated breaths, trying to focus, trying not to let him see I was falling. “Um … it’s probably a bad idea.”

Kyle couldn’t pay for our groceries forever. I had to figure it out on my own. The world was closing in, and I couldn’t expect him to hold it up for me.

If he knew the truth, he wouldn’t even want to plan for the future with me. Kyle was golden and sun, with a full, happy life ahead of him. He liked me because he thought he saw that in me, too. He thought my current nothing-of-a-life was temporary. If I was going to be good enough for Kyle, I would have to rise above that life.

I didn’t know if it was possible anymore.

Sometimes the world just knows how good you’re ever going to be and plants you in that life the day you are born. It was foolish to think I could ever be better.

“Bree, what’s up?” Kyle had scooted off his chair. He was standing beside me with a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah …” I muttered, sinking below the waves. “I need to use the bathroom.”

I pushed out of my seat and rushed across the room. Sue’s beautiful, undersea bathroom was the perfect place to drown. I locked the door and fell to the floor, letting the world fade.

“Bree …” Kyle was sitting on the floor on the other side of the door. I could tell because of the level of his cracked voice right behind me. “Hey, come on. You don’t have to sit in the bathroom. You can go lie down upstairs. We don’t even have to talk. We’ll watch TV. Just come out. Please.”

I hugged my knees, steadied my breath, then stood on shaky legs. I inched open the door.

Kyle popped to his feet and reached for me.

I pulled away. “I should probably go,” I said, unable to look him in the eyes, unable to say anything except that. The things I was thinking of saying, the things I should say, were going to break me into a million pieces, and running away seemed a lot easier.

I stood there, my feet and shoulders turned in, my head bowed, staring at my stupid, dingy socks. Going meant getting a ride from him. Or asking for money for a cab. So I didn’t know what else to do but stand there, feeling small and pathetic, and ugly with my puffy red eyes and bruised cheek.

Kyle shook his head at me. “No. Nope. There’s no way you’re going.” He stepped forward, putting his arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” I said, crying into his shoulder.

“No, you don’t need to apologize to me right now.”

“But I lied to you.”

Kyle hugged me tighter. “I don’t care.”

“You might.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shrugged in his arms. “No. I don’t want to tell you. I can’t.”

Kyle’s hands were on the back of my head, in my hair. He pressed his cheek against mine and whispered in my ear, “You can. You can trust me. I promise it’ll be okay.”

I pushed out of his arms, shaking my head, a stream of tears pouring down my face. How was I supposed to tell him I was giving up? That I had let the world beat me? How did I tell him he was better off just letting me go?

“It’s not that easy,” I said.

He took my hand, his expression pained. “Yeah, I know. I know it’s not. But you’re supposed to use me when it’s not easy, remember?”

I stared at my feet. It wasn’t just Kyle I was afraid to admit this to. I was afraid to admit it to myself. I had been running from it all year, shoving it into the scariest, darkest corner of my mind, too afraid to face it.

I took a breath, trying to find an ounce of courage, searching deep within my soul. But I’d first have to find the strength to reach that far, and I didn’t have any right now.

A key twisted in the side door, the one leading into the kitchen, causing me to panic. I gasped. It would be Sue. I didn’t want her to see me like this.

“Go upstairs,” said Kyle, reading the worry on my face.

I hurried toward the garage and could hear Kyle and his mom talking as I climbed the stairs.

I found myself in his room.

His bed was messy. I always made my bed in the morning. It was hardly any effort to just toss the blanket on top again, and I liked how that simple move made coming home easier. Kyle’s messy bed made me smile a little; it was something I was better than him about.

I climbed into his bed, wanting to smell his scent on his pillows. I pulled the blankets over my head, hiding from the world, wishing to disappear.

Kyle was quiet when he entered. I didn’t even notice him until he tapped my arm. “Scoot over,” he said.

It was a small twin bed, and I moved to make room for him. He lay down beside me, pulling the blankets back up so I could keep hiding.

We lay quietly, Kyle saying nothing, just gently rubbing my arm. The warmth of the bed, and Kyle beside me, being too sweet, was putting me at ease.

“She’s still so little …” I said after my cries had settled some.

“Who? Charlie?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I think back to myself at the same age. I might be remembering things wrong, but I felt a lot older. I was already planning my life, even back then, ready to take on the world.

“And I’ve been doing that all this time, all these years. Planning and dreaming. Hoping to make something of myself one day. And I just keep thinking, you know, she’ll be older … more independent. It’ll be okay.

“But the closer I get to it, the more I realize it was always a fool’s errand.

“She’s only seven. She can’t even read yet. Not even a little. And I can’t trust my mom. She brings sketchy guys home. And she’s so selfish when she’s drinking. She doesn’t care who they are. I’m afraid they might try something with Charlie. And I just can’t, I can’t leave her …”

I broke down into quiet sobs.

Kyle was still rubbing my arm. His heavy question came at me quietly. Gently. Wrapped in as much compassion and love as was possible. “Did that ever happen to you? With these guys?”

I was glad for the darkness under the blankets. “Yeah,” I said. Hard memories poured hard tears, and they fell down the side of my cheek, soaking the cotton pillowcase I was resting on. My voice was a whisper when I spoke. “It was this guy she dated for a little while. It was right after Charlie was born. He would get a little too close, you know? My mom broke up with him when she found out. We pressed charges …” I shrugged. “And I know she feels guilty about it. But not enough to change.

“And Charlie is so special and so sweet. I have to protect her from that. I can’t leave her with my mom. It was all for nothing because I never could. I never could be better.” I pulled my shoulders into a small shrug, feeling like the failure I was. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to squeeze away the pain, but it just kept building.

“Come here,” said Kyle. He tucked his arm under me, pulling me onto him. I placed my ear over his heartbeat, and he held me while I cried a stream of endless tears. “I’m sorry about what happened to you as a kid,” he said. “That’s fucked up.” He squeezed me around my ribcage, moving me up his chest a little. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “You are too special and too sweet for that shit.” The sick, guttural sound, sticky in his throat, was exactly how I felt.

He was still squeezing me, still kissing me. “And I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say you want to be better, because you are clearly already as good as they come. Can you explain that part to me?”

I was quiet for a second, not wanting to answer that. Kyle gently squeezed me again, giving me the courage to face this fear. “I’m so scared I’m going to end up like her,” I whispered.

“You’re afraid you’re going to end up like your mom?”

I nodded against his chest.

“How come?”

I scooted to his side and pulled the blankets down. The lights were off in his room. It was late afternoon, and it was growing dark.

I stared at Kyle in the dim light that filtered through the curtains, taking a moment to enjoy how beautiful he was. Somehow the gods knew exactly what to do when they made Kyle … from his perfectly shaped eyebrows, to his straight, just-the-right-sized nose, to his full, kissable lips … He was a masterly sculpted piece of art. And I wanted to kiss him on all those beautiful places.

Kyle reached and pressed my nose like it was a button. I took a breath, forcing myself to focus and think about stuff that was much harder than thoughts of kissing Kyle.

“My mom’s smart,” I said. “Much smarter than you’d think, considering how she’s let her life fall apart. We’re alike in a lot of ways. Too much alike, and it scares me. I keep trying to push back and fight it, but sometimes it feels like I’m fighting against fate just not to end up like her. Like I’m going to fail no matter how hard I try, you know?”

Kyle squinted his eyes, his expression, stumped like I had thrown an unsolvable problem at him. “No. I don’t know,” he said. “Because I don’t see that in you at all. Not in the Brianna Dover I’m looking at right now. Not even a little.”

“Kyle, I’m not going to college. I haven’t even applied. And the deadlines are tomorrow, so …

“I need to take a year or two off for Charlie. I have to do that for her. I’m all she’s got in this world. But I’ll lose my scholarships if I do. I can’t pay for college without them. So that’s the future I see for myself. And I know it’s a future you wouldn’t have signed up for if I had been honest with you. And I don’t expect you to stick around for it. I’m really sorry.”

Kyle’s dimples pinched, a quiet chuckle in his throat.

“What?” I asked, the joke eluding me.

He was smiling pretty big. “Bree, I have a question for you.”

I lifted my shoulders, waiting for his question.

“Why wouldn’t I want to stick around and watch you kick this shitty world’s ass? Just like you’ve been doing this whole time. I’m amazed by you. Truly. Your perseverance, your determination, your moxie …”

I laughed. “My moxie?”

“Yeah, you’ve got it coming out of your nostrils like a freakin’ bull.” He lightly pinched my nose, then pulled his hand away, exaggerating the rushing sound as he blew air through his lips. “So this is a setback,” he said, “and I’m sorry about it. But you’ve dealt with those before. You’ve been preparing to take on this battle your whole life. I don’t for a second believe it’s going to take you down. And I can’t wait to see you conquer it. And I’ll be cheering you on the whole way. No matter what happens between us, I’ll still be cheering you on.”

My heart swelled with love. I stared at Kyle, completely struck with awe. “I don’t deserve you, Kyle.”

He laughed and leaned into me, brushing his lips near my ear, whispering, “Well, I don’t deserve you either, so we’re square.”

He swept his lips across my cheek. They were warm and hungry when they pressed into mine.

The world instantly fell quiet—colorful and easy. With only good things to worry about. Like could you die from loving someone too much?

I wrapped my arms around Kyle, pulling him to me, pulling him onto me. His weight on my chest, the pressure, the warmth, the security … snuffed out all my lingering fears, and I was floating.

In this weightless world, I was a superhero who could fly. I had wings—big, beautiful, sparkly, feathered wings. I was an eagle soaring with the wind. The merciless world was below me. Far below me. And I was strong; there was no need to touch down.

Kyle broke the kiss, and I was rushed back to the real world, a much harsher world, but he was still with me, making it okay. “Wait,” I said before he got up. He was about to move to his side.

“We need a kissing break.”

“Okay, just one second.” I wrapped my arms around him, crushing him back to my chest. This is how I wanted to sleep. With him right on top of me, chasing all the ghosts away.

I inhaled long and deep, breathing him in. His cheek was right next to mine, and I kissed it. His ear was an inch from my lips, and I wanted to whisper into it and tell him how much I loved him.

Kyle pressed his fist into the mattress and hovered above me like he was doing a pushup. “Hey, we need a break, and we need to work on those applications.”

“The applications? What are you talking about?”

He shifted into a sitting position, pulling me with him. We sat propped up against the pillows. “You said the deadlines are tomorrow?”

“Yeah, they need to be in by the first if I want a real shot at getting in.”

“So let’s work on them. I’ll help you fill them out. We have a day and a half. How many are we looking at?”

“Well, I already have them filled out. Ready to go. I just haven’t sent them.”

A dumbfounded laugh puffed out of Kyle. “Geez, Dover. I’m glad you told me about this before it was too late. Why don’t we send them now?”

“Because it’s pointless. That’s why. I can’t go.”

“Hey, September is a long way off. Things could change by then. My mom and I can help. You could take online classes. It’s not the end. Let’s send them. At least then you’ll have some options to look into. Okay?”

I had returned Kyle’s laptop, and it was sitting on the nightstand beside him. He grabbed it and handed it to me.

I had been completely overwhelmed with anxiety over these dumb applications for weeks now. Just Kyle telling me it was okay to send them lifted a world of weight from my chest. “Yeah, okay,” I said, my breaths coming in easier.

I opened the laptop, going to my email where I had all the links saved.

Kyle was hovering over my shoulder. “Can you afford these application fees?” The way he asked that, boldly and without hesitation, told me we had crossed over into a new stage of our relationship. Kyle wasn’t going to skirt around the money stuff anymore.

“I got it, Kyle,” I said. “I’ve had the money saved for a long time now. And I put it on that card you gave me.” I tapped the side of my head. “The numbers are in here.”

I sent all the applications, eight in total. I didn’t have any hopes of actually going, but sending them meant I hadn’t let the world beat me just yet.

I handed the laptop back to Kyle. I wanted to go back to kissing him, but he grabbed the remote and turned the TV on instead.

I snuggled next to him and nibbled a kiss near his ear, trying to get him to respond to my hopeful advances.

“No, we can’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

“Because we’re in my bed. It would be too hard to stop.”

“That might be okay,” I said quietly next to his ear.

Kyle twisted his neck to look at me. And he did. He looked me straight in the eyes. Not shying away like I would have done. “Okay. That’s good to know,” he said. “But we’ll wait until you’re sure. And we’ll wait until you no longer have a bruise on your face from my ex-girlfriend.” He ran his thumb over my cheek and kissed my forehead.

“Yeah, okay,” I said. I was pretty sure, I was sure. But he might have been right about the bed thing; it was pretty tempting. I fell back to his chest, placing my ear over his heart. “Hey, thanks for making me send those.”

“No, you don’t have to thank me for that. You were going to send them yourself. I know you were. I was going to find you up here tomorrow during the party, forgetting to kiss me at midnight, trying to get them out in time.”

I smiled. “Yeah, maybe.”