Chapter 15: Drew - Love On Time

I’m standing in the center of my bedroom, taping up the final cardboard boxes I need for the big move this weekend. It’s hard to comprehend that the summer has come and gone, and now it's time to pack up my life, move into my dorm, and start my first year at UCLA.

The last two months have been a blur of intense training camps, heavy lifting sessions, and exhausting clinics for the upcoming season. It’s been good getting to know my new teammates, and there's no denying that every single one of those guys are incredibly talented. But as I look around my half-empty room, I realize how much I'm going to miss my high school team. It’s a strange feeling to go from being the captain to starting over at a new school.

After Cooper initially found out about Cami and me, things were rough. He distanced himself from me for a while, spending most of his free time with Ivy. But over the spring, he finally came around, and our friendship has mostly gotten back on track. He’s still not exactly thrilled about our relationship, but he’s come to accept it.

Shortly after the whole New Year's blowout, Mr. and Mrs. Benson had me over to their house for a long, serious talk to set some ground rules. But at the end of the day, they've been supportive. I respect them as though they were my own parents, so knowing I have their blessing means everything as I head off to college.

Cami has been working at the library again this summer, running events for the kids and teaching music classes. She absolutely loves it. Because both of our summers have been booked, we’ve had to savor every spare moment, trying to carve out time in the late evenings just to see each other.

She’s about to head into her junior year and has joined the marching band for the third year in a row. I’m going to miss sharing the football field with her more than I can put into words. Looking at our upcoming calendars, reality is starting to sink in. My game schedule and her halftime performance schedule fall on the same days. We won't be able to make it to a single one of each other’s events. She’s starting to get in her own head about the distance. I can see the worry in her eyes every time we talk about it, but I’m doing everything I can to reassure her. I’ll be back home the second holiday break hits, and once the football season wraps up in the winter, I’ll be driving back to see her every single weekend. UCLA is only about an hour's drive from where we live. We can handle an hour.

* * *

My heart starts thrumming against my ribs. She’s never been in my bedroom before. Our entire relationship has consisted of me crawling through her bedroom window. Her parents had made it crystal clear during our talk that our time together was strictly limited to their house. Though, obviously, they had no idea about our late-night sneak-ins.

* * *

We are twelve weeks into the first semester, and I’m finally falling into a steady routine of classes and daily training. On the field, we’ve dominated our first few games. The team is strong, focused, and determined to go all the way, and honestly, a part of me has never been happier. I catch glimpses of Cooper and Ivy around campus, and the three of us have managed to go out a few times to grab food, but our schedules are vastly different, and Cooper’s dorm isn't on the same floor as mine. Between travel days and meetings, I’ve only been able to make the drive home a few times in the last three months.

It's been difficult being away from my mom and Cami. We try to FaceTime a few times a week just to catch up on each other's days, but seeing her through a screen isn't enough. I miss her so much it hurts, and every time I see her face, I can tell she is hurting just as badly. The plan sounded so damn easy when we were tangled up in my bedroom, but the reality is settling in, and it hasn't been simple.

We are gearing up for another home game, and the energy in the air is electric. It’s a crisp November night, and the stadium is packed full. Easily triple the size of my old high school field. The roaring of the crowd sends adrenaline pumping through my veins, fueling my energy, and getting me ready to give it everything I’ve got. But tonight won't be an easy win. We are playing a team that is notorious across the league for their aggression on the field. I hate playing teams like this. They aren't just physical; they play dirty. Always starting petty fights after the whistle for no reason other than to get inside your head and throw you off your game.

We are deep in the final quarter, the score locked in a frustrating tie. The clock drags, constantly interrupted by unnecessary timeouts for every ridiculous little thing that sets their bench off. Everyone on the field is exhausted, running on pure adrenaline and irritation as we line up for the next play.

* * *

I refused to go back home with my mom. Our house is too close to Cami, and I know exactly what would happen. The second she found out I was back, she would come running to see me. I just don't have the strength or the energy to explain why I'm doing this to her. A part of me doesn't even understand what I'm doing. She doesn't deserve a front-row seat to my ruination, especially while she’s still in high school. She deserves to find someone whole—someone better than me, someone with a future who can give her the world.

So instead, I’ve been holed up inside the four walls of my dorm room. Ivy, Cooper, and a few of my teammates cycle through to check on me, but I barely acknowledge them. I managed to switch all of my in-person classes to online so I can work directly from my bed. The athletic department offered to approve me for medical leave, assuring me it wouldn't affect my scholarship, but I turned it down. I need the distraction, an escape from the prison of my own mind.

My phone stays turned off, a dead black screen on my nightstand. Cami has been trying to reach me. I know the notifications are piling up, but I can't bring myself to look. I know that if I turn that screen on for even a second, I will lose the fight against the temptation to call her. My heart is aching for her so badly it feels like a sickness, but I force myself to stay in the dark.

It’s midnight, and it’s been two weeks since the accident. Lying awake in the dark, the weight of the silence finally becomes too much to bear. I reach over, pull my phone off the bedside table, and press the power button, bringing the screen back to life. The harsh glare blinds me for a second before notifications overflow the home screen. An overwhelming amount of texts and missed calls from my teammates, my coach, my old high school friends... and Cami.

I go straight to my voicemails, my thumb hovering over the play button. I hesitate, a nauseating dread settling in my stomach. I know that if I hear her voice, it will rip me apart. But I need to hear it. I take a deep, trembling breath and press play.

“Drew, I just heard about the accident,” her voice cries out from the speaker, frantic and terrified. “I’m on my way! Please, please be okay.”

A beep cuts the line, and the next one starts automatically.

“Drew, please don't do this. Please don't shut me out.”

Another beep.

“I can’t live without you. Please, Drew. Just call me back.”

Tears are falling down my face now, hot and uncontrollable, as I sit in the dark and listen to the heart of the girl I love be broken by my silence.

“Hey, it's me,” she says in the next recording, her voice exhausted, like she hasn't slept in days. “I miss you. I hope you’re okay. I’m just... I'm really worried about you. Please, Drew. Why are you doing this?” There’s a long pause, filled only by the sound of her soft crying before the line goes dead.

A jagged, suffocating sob rips through my throat, my chest heaving as I press the phone tighter against my ear for the final message.

“Hey, it’s me again…” She takes a shaky breath. “This will be my last message. I’ll leave you alone… for good. Take care of yourself, Drew. I love you… Goodbye.”

My phone is gripped tight in my hand, the crushing weight of my actions pressing down on my chest until I can barely breathe. I sink into the mattress, my body vigorously shaking as sobs pour from me.

I love you. The words loop on a continuous reel in my mind, spoken in her shattered, heartbroken whisper. I stay paralyzed in the dark, the sickening realization settling deep into my bones. I never got the chance to tell her that I love her, too. And now, I might never get to say it at all.