Chapter 13: Proverbs 29:11 - The Cell Next Door

A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. 

Chris and I played basketball at recreation again.  The weather was bad, so we wound up going to the gym instead of staying outside.  It was the same old routine, the same surroundings, the same people, the same CO's, the same activities.  Of course, there was the same punishment of being locked in a cell for most of the day, usually.  We came out of our cells less and less every day.  I was ready to leave.  I hated leaving my brother behind.  I knew that once I left, he would get around other lifers and they would rub off on him.  They would show him how he could get comfortable in prison.  This would divert him from appealing more and more.  We lost our game because I was just not into it.  I couldn't focus enough.  On the way back from recreation, temptation was yet again swinging in front of me, that same rec officer was swinging her hips back and forth.  Her pants were so tight, they looked as if they were painted on.  A nudged Chris and I pointed at her ass.  I didn't have twist in my hair this time, though.  Chris called them my horns and said they were pointed in the wrong direction last time.  This time, he looked and then shook his head.  He looked down and fought away a laugh.  I was on my same bullshit.  No matter how far I was on my spiritual path, a woman could always bring the man out of me.  I saw some new people coming down the hall. 

A couple were old acquaintances.  I just nodded to them.  They were starting their sentences.  It was a shitty feeling.  I could tell by the looks on their faces.  We were back in our cells where we would remain until it was time to be let out for the day room.  I was debating whether or not I would call Christa.  She seemed too good to be true, and there were so many red flags.  The sergeant was running phones early.  This meant that she didn't have an officer to run day room.  People would sit and dial, so the phone didn't even make it to me.  I was pissed.  I just wanted the day to end.  I was having an off day.  The conversation that Chris and I had was weighing heavily on me.  How was he able to cope so well with everything that happened?  Why didn't he turn on Nicole?  Was it out of fear?  Righteousness?  Was it maybe because he knew he was screwed anyway, so why take her down with him?  I had so many questions, but I was reluctant to know the part about his daughters.  Did he kill them?  Did she kill them?  Was it someone else?  How would I feel about him if I knew?  Would I judge the man?  I knocked on the wall and called Chris to the electrical outlet from the cell next door.  “I have to know, and I will not judge.  Did you kill the girls?  Yes or no?”  I asked hesitantly.  He went silent.  The silence was thick in the air.  It was a deafening silence.  “I should have cast myself in that grave that was dug for them,” Chris said.  I decided to ask him the same question, but from a different angle.  "Did you have help with the girls?”  I probed.  He took a long, deep breath and seemed to hold it.  “Yes, I did,” he admitted to me.  “Jezebel?”  I asked.  “Yes,” Chris answered.  I knew it.