Chapter 27 - The Life That Mattered

Ronin

I felt like a failure. As a husband. As a man.

The pain and fear in Evelyn’s eyes when she glanced up at me after telling me about Lila’s boyfriend, who died from his opioid addiction, was almost too much to bear. Before I asked a friend to get me the pills, I tried high doses of over-the-counter medications. I tried all the things I suggested Lila try like acupuncture, but it wasn’t cutting it—not enough to get back to my physically demanding job.

We weren’t the Porters. Since having children, we experienced what it was like to live paycheck to paycheck. Even with not having a mortgage, the cost of living in Aspen was insane. Was I too proud to ask for help from Graham? Hell yes.

I didn’t even have the guts to ask my parents for help so I could spend more time healing right along with Lila. The thought of my skeptic father handing me money, for a condition he questioned, made me nauseous. I just … couldn’t.

* * *

Two months passed without major incident.

Madeline fought more frequent headaches, but she managed to stay out of the hospital. That gave Evelyn hope. I worried about that hope, and so did her parents. Lila made a near-full recovery. Her leg had fractured in more than one place, requiring a longer healing time, but she managed to use crutches and occasionally a scooter to get back to her daily duties as First Lady.

With the end of the ski season, I opted out of working as a paramedic with the fire department (per Evelyn’s request) and stayed on with the resort, providing safety services for bikers and hikers, as well as organizing tasks to improve safety for the next ski season. We spent as much time as possible taking the kids on the trails and enjoying all the facets of mountain living.

“How do I look?” Evelyn turned in a complete circle, showing off her new strapless red dress. Her birthday dress.

“Like you won’t be wearing that dress long.” I adjusted my black tie, giving her a conspiratorial look in the full-length mirror opposite our bed.

“So I look hot. Forty is the new thirty, right?” She slipped on her matching red heels.

I wasn’t kidding. That dress was minutes away from finding a new home on the floor of the bedroom, next to the black thong I saw her slip on minutes earlier and those shoes. On second thought … I decided the shoes could stay on.

“You look stunning.” Satisfied with my tie, I brushed past her to get my shoes from the closet.

She grabbed my tie to stop me. “I don’t want to look stunning. I’m forty. I need more from you.”

I chuckled, prying my tie from her death grip before she wrinkled the hell out of it. “Evie, I’m not sure I can find a word better than stunning. I mean … it trumps beautiful. Or were you thinking more along the lines of sexy.” My gaze swept along her lithe body. She was definitely sexy. And as I adjusted myself, she grinned.

“More than sexy.” She rubbed her glossed lips together, batting her mascara-covered lashes at me.

Smokey eyes.

Red lips.

And some sort of aphrodisiac as her perfume. I was ready to eat her alive in every way imaginable.

“More than sexy?” I raised a brow at her.

“If I were standing here naked, what would you call me?”

“Evelyn … I’m seconds away from tearing that dress off you. Why are you teasing me with these questions?” I took a step toward her.

She took a step back, her backside hitting the wall. I rested my hands on the wall above her head, caging her in with my body.

“Evelyn Alexander.”

“Yes,” she whispered, mid-swallow.

“You look so damn fuckable.”

The sexiest grin crawled up her face as I said the words she needed to hear. “Thank you.”

I shook my head, failing to hide my own grin. “You’re one depraved woman.”

“Thank you.” She pushed against my chest until I surrendered, letting her escape.

The only reason she made it out of the bedroom with that dress still on her body was because it was her birthday, and Graham had a jet waiting to take us to Denver for a surprise birthday party at the Porter estate. She thought we were just meeting Graham and Lila for dinner.

“You should open your gift now.” I pulled it out of my nightstand. “I don’t want to forget to give it to you later when I have you tied to the hotel bed, wearing nothing but those heels.”

She turned. Lips parted. Cheeks extra flushed. Still … after years of marriage, I could make her blush. I could make her bend to my will with one look, make her scream, make her beg, make her mine a million times over again.

After I straightened my tie a bit more and winked at her, she rubbed her lips together again and swallowed. “A gift, huh?” She picked up the small box and opened it. “A … soap dish.” She inspected it carefully. “How … nice.”

“I carved it out of wood from that broken branch, the one where your grandpa hung the tree swing for your grandma.”

Her hand flew straight to her chest. “Oh my god …” she gasped. “Ronin …”

“Kidding … I got it from the gift shop at the lodge. Someone hand carved it. But I thought it would have been really amazing of me to have done it with some wood from that branch. Then I remembered I have no artistic talent and a terrible gift-giver reputation to uphold, so I bought this one from the shop. After the fact … I noticed you have a whole display of soap dishes at your shop.” I shrugged. “Go figure.”

Her hand moved from her chest to her mouth. She snorted and shook her head. “Only you, Roe … only you would give the owner of a bath and body shop a soap dish.” She tossed the dish over her shoulder, clearly not impressed with Walter Greenfield’s hand-carved creation, and then she grabbed my tie again and pulled me in for a long kiss. “Let’s go.” She nuzzled her nose against mine.

“Be right out. Let me grab my jacket.”

After slipping it on, I filled the cup by the bathroom sink with water.

“Forgot my lipstick—” Evelyn’s gaze locked onto the pill bottle in my hand as I swallowed the water and the pills.

I didn’t try to hide them because I knew she saw them. Hiding them would have felt like an admission of guilt. She reached over and plucked the bottle from my hand. I blew a breath out my nose, clenching my teeth.

“Ronin …” Her blue eyes met mine, a sea of disbelief. “What are you doing with these? You …” She shook her head. “You told me one week … just one week after I found the bottle in your pocket. You said you were tapering off. It’s been months. Months! Ronin … what are you doing? Th-these are addictive drugs. Are you—”

“Addicted?” I snatched the bottle from her hand and slipped it into the inside pocket of my suit jacket. “No. I’m not addicted.”

She mirrored my posture with a clenched jaw, eyes unblinking as she stared at me with an unrelenting anger. “Did someone else not die? Did you save another life? Bring back the dead?”

“No. But in case you hadn’t noticed, Lila is still in a cast.” I angled my body to slide past her to make my escape. “We need to go. We’re going to be late, birthday girl.”

“Lila’s leg doesn’t hurt.” Evelyn followed me out to the living room.

I held up her cream wool coat like a gentleman to help her put it on. She stood there with her arms crossed over her chest, no intention of sliding those arms into the coat.

I sighed, draping the coat over her shoulders. “Did I ever mention I went through a lot of schooling to become an EMT? I have to take additional training to keep up my license. I know a thing or two about pharmaceuticals. Now, please, baby … can we talk about this later if you feel the need for more talking? Your friends are waiting. We don’t want to be late.” I grabbed our overnight bag. Since we had Sue watching the kids all night, we were staying in Denver—at Porter Suites.

Champagne.

A huge room with a city view.

And my naked birthday girl.

The longer I stood there engaging in her stare off, the guiltier I looked. So I opened the door and waved my hand, shooing her out to the car. She narrowed her eyes but obliged. I hadn’t heard the end of that lecture, but I hoped it was dropped for the night.

As expected, she gave me the silent treatment on the way to the airport. We were greeted on the Porter jet with an open bar and privacy. Graham told me I should use that opportunity to join the Mile High Club if I hadn’t already.

I took Evelyn’s coat from her and handed it, along with mine, to the flight attendant.

“Anything else I can get you, sir?” he asked.

“We’re good. Thank you.”

“I’ll give you some privacy. Push this button here if you need anything.”

“Great. Thanks.” Even he knew I was supposed to be doing the Mile High Club activities on the way to Denver. As we took off, Evelyn gripped the arms of the seat, leaned her head back, and closed her eyes. Once we were in the air, I unfastened my seatbelt and reached forward for her foot, pulling it onto my lap, removing her shoe, and massaging her sexy foot, admiring her newly painted toenails.

She ignored me, tipping her chin to her chest, focusing on her phone.

After massaging both of her feet and getting the cold shoulder the whole time, I poured two glasses of champagne. “You look like you could use a drink.” I tried to hand her the champagne flute, but she ignored it.

“Dizziness, mental confusion, nausea, vomiting, apathy, and difficulty breathing …” She read from her phone screen. “Those are just a few short-term effects of mixing opioids with alcohol. Long-term effects include impaired vision, mood swings, liver disease, and increased risk of overdose and death.” Evelyn glanced up from her phone, pinning me with a hard look. “But surely you know this since you’ve had extensive medical training and know a thing or two about pharmaceuticals. Right?” She canted her head.

Leaning back in my seat, I set the two glasses of champagne aside and folded my hands in my lap. “Fine. I won’t drink. What will it take for you to let this go for one day?”

She grunted a laugh as her eyebrows slid up her forehead. “One day? My husband has an opioid addiction that he’s been hiding from me, and I’m supposed to let it go for one day? What’s one more day? I don’t know … maybe when I see Lila, I’ll ask her if one more day is reasonable to give someone with a drug addiction.”

“Jesus …” I rubbed my face, closing my eyes. “I’m not a fucking drug addict, Evie.”

“That’s what all addicts say until they hit rock bottom—if they live to hit rock bottom—and check themselves in for treatment.”

“Treatment?” I dropped my hands and my jaw, agitated we were having such a ridiculous conversation. “You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

Tears reddened her eyes as she clenched her jaw. “I am a scientist with a background in chemistry. Do you know how fucking insulting it is for you to look at me like I’m crazy? Like I don’t know what I’m talking about? The very day I found that first bottle of pills in your pocket, I poured through every bit of research I could find on opioids. I guarantee I know more about them than you do by this point. I knew there was a chance you were already addicted that day, even after only a week. But I know that there is a one hundred percent chance that you have an opioid addiction after taking them for months.”

“That is not true.” I shook my head.

“Lila’s pain is gone!” She slammed her fists on the armrests and the tears won over. “What are you doing?” Her words broke apart as her tears painted black mascara lines down her cheeks. “My …” She swallowed hard. “My mom is dying. You’re going to leave me too, and I will hate you for letting this end our life together. I will hate you for leaving me to explain to our kids why they no longer have a father.”

I kneeled on the floor in front of her, grabbing a tissue and wiping her face. “I’m not leaving you,” I whispered.

“You check into treatment, tomorrow.”

“Evie …” I continued to shake my head. She was overreacting.

“You check into treatment, tomorrow.”

“I’ll taper off. I can do it on my own.”

“You check into treatment, tomorrow.” Every time she repeated that line, her words lost emotion, like she was losing any sort of feeling, shutting down, and putting up this indestructible wall around her heart.

I fucking hated it. Where had my wife gone? The woman who looked at me like I was her king? “Please … just listen to me.” I squeezed her hands. “This isn’t a prob—”

“Over 70,000 people die every year from opioid overdose, including really well-educated—well informed—healthcare professionals like doctors, nurses, and paramedics. You check into treatment … tomorrow.”

“Give me a week … just a week.” I rested my forehead on her shoulder. “Please … one week.”

“You check in for treatment, tomorrow … or you move out of my house.”

I sat up, shaking my head over and over. I didn’t hear her right. There was no way a few pills could end our marriage. Before I could try harder to make my case, the pilot announced we would be landing in Denver soon. I knew Lila and Graham would be waiting for us the second we stepped off the plane.

Flowers.

Balloons.

Presents.

They planned a luxury ride to her surprise party with all her favorite foods and lots of champagne—champagne I was clearly not going to drink.

I hated lying to my wife. And I hated that she mistook truths for lies. I didn’t have a problem. I wasn’t addicted to drugs. There was no reason to check into treatment. But … it was her birthday. I needed to salvage what I could of it before a misunderstanding ruined the whole thing. So … I lied.

“Tomorrow, I check in for treatment.” I forced a smile and wiped the rest of the mascara from her cheeks.

Her body melted on a long sigh as she pressed her palms to my face and rested her forehead against mine. “Thank you,” she whispered.

After she fixed her makeup, we slipped on our coats and I took her hand, leading her off the plane.

“Surprise!” Lila held up her arms, both hands holding balloons as part of her body poked out of the moonroof of the limousine.

I laughed, knowing it was the best she could do with a broken leg.

A red rug stretched from the plane’s stairs all the way to the limo where Graham stood in a tux holding a huge bouquet of roses. I released her hand, assuming she would run toward them, eager to leave behind her drug addicted husband. Instead, she turned her back to them to face me. Throwing her arms around my neck, she hugged me like she did the morning she first found the oxy in my jacket.

Emotion stung my eyes as my heart fell hard like a boulder tumbling down the side of a mountain. “You’re my favorite everything, Roe,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.

All I could do was nod in reply to keep from crying like a fucking baby in front of our friends. For a moment, I realized I didn’t deserve her love. And that scared me to death.

She released me, took my hand, and tugged me toward the limo.

“Hey, old lady.” Graham smirked as she walked into his arms.

I tried not to read into her smile, wondering if she smiled bigger for Graham, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time in over five years of marriage, I felt like we weren’t invincible. And that hurt worse than any pain I tried to numb with medication.

“Roses …” She took them from Graham and sniffed them. “My favorite.”

He stepped aside so she could climb into the limo. “Did you have a pleasant flight?” Graham patted me on the shoulder and smirked.

I returned a stiff smile. No. I didn’t nail Evelyn to the leather seat in the plane. She nailed me to the cross and informed me my only salvation involved checking into treatment for a disease I didn’t have. Could he read all of that from my smile? Doubtful.

Lila and Evelyn giggled as they tried to maneuver Lila and the balloons back into the limo.

“Screw it.” Lila let go of the balloons, sending them into the air.

“Brilliant, babe. We’ll probably get fined for releasing balloons into the air at an airport.” Graham grabbed her waist to guide her back into the seat as she lifted her casted leg, propping it up on the seat between Evelyn and the door.

Evelyn rested the long-stemmed roses on her lap and grabbed my hand. It felt like a fucking lifeline. She had no way of knowing just how emasculating it was to have her give me that ultimatum on the plane.

“Are you tipsy already?” Evelyn cocked her head at Lila.

“No.” Lila jerked her head back, but at the same time she fell into a fit of giggles. “Maybe.” She grabbed a bottle of champagne and poured a glass, miraculously without spilling it, and handed it to Evelyn. “For you, birthday girl.”

Evelyn took a sip. “Thank you.”

“And for you.” Lila handed me a glass.

“Thank you.” I took it, feeling the full weight of Evelyn’s gaze on me, further emasculating me.

“Your dress, dear.” Graham frowned, covering Lila’s lap with his jacket.

She wore a short, black dress that hit just above her cast which ended pretty close to the top of her leg.

“Yes, my husband doesn’t need to see all of you.” Evie rolled her eyes.

“Such prudes.” Lila sipped more champagne, probably the first time she’d had the chance to kick back and throw caution to the wind again since the accident. I couldn’t blame her.

“Besides …” Lila shot Evie a mischievous look. “We’re all friends.” She slid her drunken gaze to me for a second while rubbing her glossed lips together. “Well, except Ronin. We really need to bring him into our circle. Don’t you think?”

“Lila.” Graham said her name like a warning.

She had too much alcohol in her blood to heed any warnings at the moment.

“So where are we going for dinner? I’m starving.” Evelyn changed the subject, or so I thought.

I wasn’t sure. Lila seemed to have a secret she was dying to share, while Graham and Evelyn exchanged a few uncomfortable glances with each other.

Yes, I knew they had sex in college. Surely, Lila knew Evelyn shared that with me.

“Evie, you’re forty!” Lila leaned forward, resting one hand on Evelyn’s knee while taking another sip of champagne with her other hand. “Carpe the fucking diem! We should all get deliriously drunk later and replay Vancouver with a plus one. Ronin really should have stayed that night.” Lila winked at me while sliding her hand up Evie’s leg a few inches beneath the flowers and her skirt.

What … the fuck?

Evie grabbed Lila’s hand, stopping its ascent and squeezing it while smiling past her gritted teeth. “I thought the four of us were already having dinner tonight … like we did in Vancouver.” She pushed Lila’s hand away.

“Time to sober you up before the—” Graham caught himself before saying party as he took Lila’s champagne from her hand and shoved a bottled water into her hand instead. “Dinner. Time to sober you up before dinner, Mrs. Porter.”

“Humpf!” Lila stuck out her lower lip.

It was actually quite funny. I’d seen Evelyn do it a few times over our years together. It must have been a move they perfected together as young girls.

After a few seconds, as if everyone else was waiting to see what would come out of Lila’s mouth next—because we were—she smirked at Evelyn. “I bet you still think of me when Ronin sucks your nipples.” Lila slid her tongue out to show us her tongue ring and tapped it against her teeth a few times while looking at my wife in a way I had never seen her look at Evelyn.

“Jesus …” Graham leaned his head back, closing his eyes and massaging his temples.

“You’re so drunk,” Evelyn murmured.

I was the odd man out, left with nothing but a drunk woman’s confessions to spark my wild imagination since no one else offered to elaborate or clarify anything. Evelyn wouldn’t even look at me, so I took a nice long drink of my champagne, nearly emptying my glass all at once.

That got her attention.

She tore me apart with a look. Evelyn made me feel more vulnerable than I ever thought humanly possible. She was the beginning and the end, the mother of my children, the keeper of my heart, the reason my lungs took breaths, my absolute favorite … everything.

Wanting her felt like an honor. Needing her felt like a failure.

Silence took us hostage until we reached the Porter estate. Evelyn didn’t wait for anyone. She didn’t ask why we were there instead of at her favorite restaurant. Letting the roses fall to the floor of the limo, she jumped out and ran toward the front door.

Lila cringed, giving me a regretful frown. Graham completely avoided making any sort of eye contact with me as he helped Lila slip on her black coat. I climbed out of the limo, taking long strides after Evelyn.

Everything in my chest ached as she opened the front door before I could stop her.

“Surprise!” echoed from the crowd of guests.

Her body froze, like hitting a wall. I made it to the threshold just as her mom hugged her.

“You look beautiful, baby.” Madeline smiled at me from over Evelyn’s shoulder.

Had she only known how her baby’s husband and her friends shit on her birthday before ever getting to the party, she wouldn’t have been smiling. I couldn’t get to my wife. The crowd of guests swallowed her, showering her with hugs and birthday wishes.

“Forget everything I said …” Lila mumbled to me as Graham helped her into the house. “It was the alcohol.”

Graham finally looked at me as Lila followed the crowd toward the great room filled with more people and catered food and drinks. “It’s all good, buddy.” He squeezed my shoulder before following Lila.