Prologue - The Idea of You

‘Are you nervous, sweetie?’

She whipped her head towards the kindly voice of the woman who had entered the room, and nodded. Her breath came in short bursts. Her fringe was stuck to her forehead in fine, damp wisps.

The woman smiled, her slow, patient manner welcome, calming. ‘Well, it’s easy to say, but don’t be. We have done this a million times before.’ She patted Lucy’s narrow shoulder before walking away with a squeak to her shoe and a swish of her skirt.

Lucy would have liked to reply, but at that moment her voice had disappeared, hovering beneath a plug of fear that sat at the base of her throat. How could she begin to explain? It wasn’t only a fear of what was about to happen, but also the sadness that, after this, she would be changed. And she didn’t want to be changed. She liked being like this. She liked it very much.

Lifting her fingers, she placed them on her heart, which was beating so hard she was convinced it was forming a heart-shaped bulge in her skin, like the love-struck cartoon characters she liked to watch.

‘Is there anyone you would like me to call for you?’ the woman called from the doorway, holding the handle and looking back over her shoulder.

Lucy shook her head.

‘There’s no one you would like to have here by your side – a friend, a relative?’

Lucy took a deep breath as a single tear fell down her cheek. There was no one she wanted to call because no one knew, apart from one person – her mum – whom she definitely didn’t want to see and who was at that very moment sequestered in another room at Lucy’s demand. And this was the way it would be. A secret. Always.

‘I . . .’ she managed.

The woman cocked her ear, bending her head to enable her to hear better. ‘What is it?’

‘I . . . I miss my dad.’ She paused to wipe away her tears with the back of her hand. ‘He died a little while ago, and I really miss him.’

The woman smiled sympathetically and gave a small nod of understanding, just as a fresh wave of pain caused Lucy’s body to convulse.