Chapter 3: Runaway Train - The Broken Road

Complete chaos broke out when I returned to Montana. I had no clue how to organize a cross-country move. Project deadlines were bumped up at work, and my social calendar blew up. My phone beeped constant reminders for farewell parties, luncheons, and dinner dates with friends and colleagues who wanted to see me before I moved to Virginia.

I would have liked to squeeze in a bit more hiking, but the air quality in Helena squashed all hopes of that. The entire state was under a code red. The forest fires were over a hundred miles away, but the air in Helena was thick with smoke. Particles of wood and ash swirled around us like snow. Everyone was discouraged from spending time outside. People walked to and from their cars with bandanas tied around their faces.

It was in the midst of this insanity that I received an unexpected call. “Kristine. This is Habib. Are you okay?”

My brows furrowed. “Yes, Habib. I’m okay. Why? What’s wrong?”

“The forest fires… I just saw the forest fires on the news. Are you in any danger? Are you sure you’re okay?” The pitch of his voice increased with each word he spoke.

A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Habib didn’t realize how large the State of Montana was. Still, it warmed my heart to know that he had thought of me when he heard about the fires. “I’m fine, Habib. The air quality is bad, but the forest fires aren’t anywhere near me. I’m perfectly safe. I promise.”

Habib exhaled loudly. “Thank God.”

I turned toward my computer and pulled up my flight itinerary. “I just purchased my plane tickets for DC. Are you available to pick me up at three o’clock on Sunday, July 31^st?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll put it on my calendar.”

I leaned back in my chair. “I’ll have my dog with me this time. I need to walk him before we leave the airport, but I’ll keep him in the carrier while we’re in your car.”

“That’s fine. I look forward to seeing you again.”

I smiled. “Thanks for calling, Habib.”

Just as I was ending the call, my second line rang. I quickly switched lines. “Senior and Long Term care, Kristine speaking.”

Tom’s voice snaked over the line. “I want the umbrella.”

The smile slid from my face. “Why are you calling me?” I hissed. I rose from my chair and stretched the phone cord as far as it would go so I could close my office door.

“I want the umbrella back,” he repeated as if it were the most reasonable request in the world.

I sank into my chair. “The umbrella? Really? You want… the umbrella.” My anger at this idiotic request threatened to consume me. I growled at him through gritted teeth. “When I left, I walked away from the house, thirty acres by the lake, three cars, and nearly all of the furniture. I took only my clothes, the two pieces of furniture my father made, Cade, and my jeep…” and evidently the umbrella that was stored in my jeep. “You got everything… and now… ten months later… you want the umbrella?” I couldn’t help but be pissed at this. All of the fear, anger, and frustration over how he had treated me and what he had put me through washed over me in large overpowering waves.

The phone line fell silent. I was getting ready to hang up when Tom responded. “I want to see you before you go.”

I shot out of my desk and began pacing as far as my phone cord would allow. “What? How do you know I’m going anywhere?” I reached for my garbage can as my stomach clenched.

“Apparently, this fellowship in DC is a big deal. I have no clue who you slept with or how you landed the position, but it was all over the local newspaper.”

Of course, he would think that of me. Of course. He had assumed I left him for some other man. He couldn’t possibly comprehend the fact that I left because he beat me, beat my dog, and threatened to kill us both. “I hate you,” I hissed. “I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Again, silence. Tom cleared his throat. Then he spoke in a low, threatening tone. “I still have your great-grandmother’s jewelry... her wedding ring, the brooch, and the necklaces that were handed down to you.”

I fell back against the wall, then slid to the floor. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even breathe. He had her jewelry. How had I forgotten to take it with me? How had I missed that? I opened my mouth to answer him, but no sound came out. I swallowed hard and tried again. My voice was breaking… I was breaking. Finally, I conceded. “I want the jewelry. I’ll meet with you but only if you bring the jewelry.”

Tom laughed maliciously as he made his next demand. “Tell me where you live.”

Fear seized my heart, then pulsed through my veins. I shook my head. “No. I’ll only meet you in public.” Where, I questioned frantically. The seconds ticked by. Come on, Kristine, think! “Jade Garden. I’ll meet you at Jade Garden,” I breathed. Tears pooled in my eyes as I began to tremble. The realization that he could still wield so much power over me was devastating.

“Tonight. Seven o’clock. Oh, and Kri? You’re not getting the jewelry unless you bring the umbrella.”

My head fell back against the wall. The umbrella would only cost ten dollars to replace, but this wasn’t about the money. This was about control. Tom was relishing the fact that he could still make me do something I didn’t want to do. I would have to give him the stupid umbrella.

* * *

Tom was sitting in a booth by the time I arrived at the restaurant. I shoved the umbrella at him the second I approached the table. “Give me my grandmother’s jewelry,” I demanded with false bravado. It took everything I had to tamp down my fear of facing him.

His eyes hardened. “Sit. Down,” he gritted out. “You’re making a scene.”

I slid reluctantly into the seat across from him. I glanced around the bustling restaurant. No one was looking at us. My eyes returned to Tom’s face. I inventoried his pale skin, sharp features, piercing blue eyes, and the cruel smile spreading across his thin lips. What did I ever see in him? A wave of nausea hit me. “Look. I do not want to be here. We have nothing to say to each other. I want the jewelry, and I want you to leave me alone.”

Tom leaned back in his seat. “You know, Kristine… I just might move to DC too.” His eyes turned calculating as he waited for my response.

Panic shot through me. “What?”

The waitress glanced at our table. I tried to calm down, but being in the same room with Tom made hell seem like a cake walk.

Tom smiled. He seemed pleased with my reaction. He leaned forward as he continued. “I’ve gotten more involved with the church. I’ve become very good friends with the priests and the bishop from the cathedral. We even golf together.” He smirked, entirely too impressed with his ability to conceal from priests who he really was. “They’ve been encouraging me to work things out with you… and I don’t see how that would be possible if we were living on opposite ends of the country.”

This from the man who refused to go to church with me? The room blurred as tears filled my eyes. Tom was going to ruin everything. I stared down at the table. I was completely incapable of looking him in the eye. “Please, let me go,” I whispered brokenly. I reached for the bag of jewelry and slowly rose from my seat.

Tom’s hand snaked around my wrist, then squeezed painfully. He tugged me forward as he forced me to look at him. His voice dripped venom. “I will never let you go.”

I held fast to the jewelry as I tore my wrist from his hand. I took a steadying breath, turned on trembling legs, and silently walked out the door. I knew the laughter that followed would haunt me for a very long time.

* * *

Kimme snapped her towel at me as we headed for the sauna. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to meet Tom last night?  I would have gone with you!”

My legs were shaking from the spinning class I had just suffered through. The spin instructor was pure evil. “Because, Kimme, you had more important things to do than babysit me,” I grumbled irritably. “You were exactly where you needed to be… out at the fort with Dan. What you two are doing with those veterans who are coming back from Afghanistan with PTSD is important.”

I followed Kimme into the sauna. She scowled at me before collapsing on a long wooden bench. “Still, you shouldn’t be alone with that man.”

I perched on the bench directly across from her. “I wasn’t alone. We were at Jade Garden.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “You know what I mean. You should have at least told me you were going. You have to promise me you’ll tell someone if you plan to see him again.”

I knew she was right, but I had spent nine years keeping my mouth shut about Tom. Old habits were hard to break. “I will, Kimme. I promise.” I stretched across the warm wooden bench and closed my eyes. I breathed in the soothing tendrils of steam and the smell of heated wood as I forced my thoughts away from Tom. Thinking about him gave him a power and a place in my life I didn’t want him to have anymore.

* * *

I stared at the deep red roses sitting on my desk. My heart beat erratically as I reached for the envelope. Most women enjoyed receiving flowers. I was afraid of them… or more precisely… afraid to know who sent them and what was expected in return.

I took a deep breath as I pulled the card from the envelope. “Michael,” I breathed. I should have known. Tom wouldn’t waste money on flowers, but Michael would. Michael was an incurable romantic. He even looked like he belonged on the cover of a romance novel with his blatantly lustful eyes, his perpetual five o’clock shadow, and the thick dark hair that framed his face in perfect waves. His French accent and his mysterious past were difficult to resist, but he was entirely too consuming, self-important, emotional, and rude.

“Nice flowers, Kri.”

I looked up from the card. Ann was standing in the doorway to my office. “Thanks, Ann. Why don’t you take them up front so everyone can enjoy them?”

She gave me a curious look. “Are you sure?”

I smiled reassuringly. “Yes, please. You’d be doing me a favor.”

“Okay. Thanks, Kri. By the way, we’re the only people left in the office. I’m heading out, so make sure the doors to our suite are locked when you leave. Don’t work too late.”

I handed her the roses. “I won’t. I have a few more things I need to pull together for the staff meeting tomorrow, but I’ll be leaving soon.”

She smelled the roses before disappearing down the hall.

My eyes drifted back to Michael’s note. I recognized a few words, but I didn’t know enough French to understand everything he had written. I sank into my chair, turned toward my computer, and pulled up Google Translate.

I looked at the card and slowly typed the message. Je ne peux plus supporter le fait d'être loin de toi. S'il te plaît, laisse moi la chance de te prouver que mon amour pour toi est véritable.

I leaned back in my chair as I read the translation to myself. “I cannot bear being away from you. Please give me a chance to prove my love for you is real.”

I sighed sadly. Some small part of me wished I could love this broken man. I tried to envision what life would be like with Michael. I shook my head, then promptly pushed those thoughts aside.

By the time I finished typing my notes for the staff meeting, it was nearly seven o’clock. I flicked off the few remaining lights in our office suite and locked the door behind me. I briefly contemplated the elevator. I typically avoided elevators, having been trapped in them two too many times. I decided the stairs were my safest bet.

I was halfway down the first flight of stairs when the door to the stairwell slammed shut behind me.

“Kri, wait up.”

I froze at the sound of his voice. “We have nothing to talk about, Justin. Leave me alone.” I didn’t bother turning around. I resumed walking down the stairs.

“I’m leaving Janet.”

Once again, I froze. My eyes narrowed as I turned to face him. “What did you say?”

Justin scrambled down the stairs. He stopped two steps above me. His massive 6’4” frame towered over me. “You were right. I was hitting on you at the gym. I’ve tried to fight it, and I’ve tried working on my marriage, but I’m done living a lie. I want to be with you.”

I backed down the stairs to the landing. “You lied. You made me feel like an idiot, and you lied,” I hissed angrily. I wanted to hit him so badly I could taste it.

His voice turned pleading. “I wasn’t ready to tell you… not like that… not when you were so angry with me. I wanted it to be different. I wanted it to be special, but I lost control. I can’t be around you and not be with you, Kri. I want you… and I want you to want me as much as I want you.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Justin slammed me into the wall as his lips crashed against mine. I dropped my purse… my briefcase… everything. I wedged my hands between us and tried to push him away, but he tightened his hold.

The idea that I could fight him off was laughable. Every hard angle of his body pressed into mine. He fisted his hands in my hair as he pulled my head back to deepen the kiss.

I twisted my head toward the wall as I tried to escape the kiss. Tears streamed down my face as he pulled away. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

Justin’s voice broke as he released me. “I’ll quit my job… I’ll move to DC… Please, Kri. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you.”

I shook my head. “Don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.” I choked back a sob as I grabbed my bags and ran down the stairs.

The security guard rose from his chair as I burst into the main lobby.

I ducked my head to hide my tears as I hurried past his desk. I shoved the door open and inhaled a single ragged breath as the cool night air hit me.

I glanced over my shoulder, then ran toward my jeep. I threw my bags on the passenger seat, climbed inside, and quickly locked the doors. I began sobbing as I forced the gear shift into drive. The tires squealed as I slammed my foot against the gas pedal. I sped out of the parking lot at a reckless rate of speed. There were so many bad experiences pressing in on me, I could no longer breathe.

* * *

I was determined to avoid Justin, so I e-mailed my notes for the staff meeting to Charlie and called in sick the next morning. I packed a suitcase and loaded Cade into the jeep so we could jump start our trip to Hamilton to spend the weekend with my parents. I wanted to see them before I left for DC. I couldn’t believe I was leaving in two weeks.

My mom cooked all of my favorite foods… stuffed bell peppers, roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, pancakes, and eggs sunny side up. My dad caught me up on all of the local gossip. Then he invited me to tag along to the Coffee Cup Café, where he spends most mornings drinking coffee and telling tall tales with his boys. I’d heard them spin their fishing and hunting stories a million times, but I loved hearing it all again.

I committed every detail of my parents to memory… every inch of their kind faces, their voices, the smell of my mother’s cooking, and the spicy scent of my father’s aftershave. Tears were shed as we said our goodbyes. By the time I returned to Helena, I was towing a very heavy heart.

My last weekend in Montana was reserved for my cousin, Lexie. She drove up from Great Falls to spend the night with me. We enjoyed one last decadent dinner at On Broadway. I soaked in the beautiful murals that complemented their worn brick walls, the intimate atmosphere the place was famous for, and the culinary skills of a chef who had taught me everything I knew about making the perfect cheesecake.

A live band played soft jazz from their corner on the first floor. Lexie and I had a great view of the band from our table, which was tucked against the balcony on the second floor. Between the grilled mozzarella, basil, and red pepper skewers; the Chicken Broadway; and the chocolate mousse cake, the two of us were barely able to walk away from the table.

It wasn’t until we were leaving the restaurant that I spotted Michael standing at the bar with a glass of red wine. He was wearing black slacks and a stark white dress shirt with onyx cuff links. A gray paisley tie was hanging loose around his neck. He was reclining against the bar with his back to the bartender, brazenly watching me through hooded eyes.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he pushed off the bar and slowly began walking toward me. Lexie walked between us and linked her arm through mine. She hadn’t noticed Michael. Why would she? She had never even met him before. But, for some reason, that simple act stopped Michael in his tracks. I could still feel him standing there, watching me, as Lexie and I walked out the door.

I shoved all thoughts of Michael aside when we returned to my apartment. Lexie and I swapped our dress clothes for camisoles and pajama bottoms. We sprawled out on my couch and spent the rest of the evening working our way through a lifetime of memories. Eventually, our discussion turned to a trip we had taken to Mazatlán shortly after my divorce.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into parasailing… in Mexico of all places! Those guys driving the boat were on drugs! And, I’ll never forget how you dragged me out to the center of the ocean on that wave runner. You were crashing over the waves like some crazed woman with a death wish. My ass hurt for a week! What was I thinking climbing on the back of a wave runner with a woman who was knockin’ on death’s door?” I shook my head in disbelief. It was no small miracle that we had made it home alive.

Lexie laughed. Her long dark hair briefly hid her sparkling blue eyes. “Yeah, well, it’s not like we had anything to lose. I’ll never forget seeing my straight-laced cousin dance in that cage,” she goaded wickedly.

I cringed. We had been issuing dares and double dares the entire trip. “Well, at least I didn’t dance on the bar in front of all those sailors.”

Lexie laughed even harder. “I thought you were going to punch that guy, the one who was trying to take me for a tour of his ship.”

I snorted. “Tour of the ship… seriously? What woman would buy that line? Besides, that guy had a gold tooth!”

We stayed up reminiscing through the early morning hours. We were completely exhausted by the time we said our goodbyes. Tears streamed down my face as I watched Lexie back out of her parking space. She eased her car forward to drive away, then suddenly stopped. Lexie’s shoulders shook as she slumped over the steering wheel. I sank to the pavement, no longer able to stand.

Through a curtain of tears I watched Lexie claw her way out of the car and stumble toward me. We clung to each other, sobbing in the center of the asphalt, neither willing to let the other go. We stayed that way for the longest time. How do you leave someone who has been such an important part of your life for twenty-eight years, someone you love more than life itself? I was still struggling with that question when Lexie finally mustered the strength to climb back into her car and drive away.

The movers came a few hours later to box my things. I clung to Cade and watched numbly as they loaded the truck. They took my car the very next day.

I spent my last evening in Helena with Siobhan, the four year old who had completely stolen and then healed my heart after my divorce. I was good friends with Siobhan’s mom, so Siobhan and I spent weekends together whenever her parents had to work. Siobhan had all the trappings of an angel with her wispy blond hair, her bright blue eyes, and her porcelain skin. I thought she hung the moon. She was determined, courageous, and precocious in every way.

Siobhan and I ate pizza with her parents. We played and cuddled for hours. I tucked her into bed with the hopes that I could slip away while she slept, but she refused to go to sleep. She clung to me when I tried to say goodbye. Every time I tried to hand her back to her mother, she tightened her arms around me and begged me not to go.

Siobhan’s tears mixed with mine as she pressed her little face against my cheek. The sobs that wracked her little body were heart rending. I knew I’d never forgive myself for causing her so much pain. When Siobhan’s mother finally managed to pull her from my arms, Siobhan clawed to get back to me. Tears streamed down her face as she screamed, “Don’t leave me, Kri! Please, don’t leave me!”

I left every last piece of my shattered heart on their living room floor when I stumbled blindly out their front door. I felt the pain of a hundred year old oak tree being ripped from its roots as I fought the urge to gather Siobhan back up into my arms and abandon the fellowship. I crawled into Kimme’s car and wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach as I folded in on myself. I sat in their driveway sobbing for well over an hour. It wasn’t until every last tear had been shed that I was finally able to drive away. Of all the goodbyes, this had been the most painful one.

* * *

Dan and Kimme drove me to the airport in silence. Kimme had given me a travel mug filled with coffee, but the lump in my throat made it impossible to swallow. I hadn’t bothered with makeup. My eyes were still swollen from crying all night. I figured makeup was pointless, given what lie ahead.

It was ridiculously early and still dark outside, so I was surprised to discover Charlie, Ann, Jerry, and Doug at the airport waiting to see me off. I thought we had already said our goodbyes, but seeing them at the airport reminded me of how truly blessed I was. Once again, I questioned how I could leave the people I had grown to love so much.

They took turns saying goodbye to Cade while I checked my luggage at the ticket counter. Then we made our way through the security line as one. Jerry and Doug took turns hugging me as they offered gentle words of encouragement.

Ann’s eyes filled with tears. She held me for a very long time. She swiped at her tear stained cheeks, then gently grasped my shoulders as she sought my eyes. “I’ve always believed you were destined to do great things. Don’t look back, Kri... and don’t you dare doubt yourself. You live every dream you’ve ever dreamed.”

I buried my face in her shoulder as I began to cry.

Dan steeled himself as he approached me. “I’m so proud of you. And, don’t you worry your pretty little head, Krissy. I’ve already initiated contact with the head of the Vietnam Vet’s chapter in Arlington. You call this man, Dean Hunter, if you have any trouble, darlin’. He’ll take care of you. You call me if he doesn’t.” Dan slid a crumpled piece of paper into my hand. “It has been an honor, little lady.”

I hugged him tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. Dan bowed his head and stepped aside so Kimme could say goodbye.

Kimme had tears streaming down her face. “I don’t want you to go… don’t go,” she whispered.

I folded her into my arms. I thought I’d cried every last tear my body could hold, but tears spilled down my cheeks once more.

Charlie gently cut in. “They’re calling your flight, Kri.” He handed me his business card. “Don’t forget this toll free number works outside the state, too.” He paused briefly. “You can do this. I know you can.” Charlie smiled, but his red rimmed eyes betrayed him. He hugged me. Then he handed me my laptop bag and Cade’s carrier. Thankfully, Cade was small enough to ride on the plane under my seat.

As I backed toward security, I thought about how much I wanted to take each and every one of my friends with me.

Charlie called after me as I walked through the metal detector. His voice was firm and strong. “Take a deep breath, kiddo, and remember one thing. You are not alone. You are never alone.”

I stilled on the other side of security. At that moment, I felt utterly alone.