Chapter 20 - Life

It was cold inside the cabin when Michelle had arrived. Letting herself in, she was grateful that their neighbors hadn’t spotted her. Not that she didn’t love them, but right now, she needed her space. She was also thankful that there were still a few logs piled up by the fire, and she set about getting one started instantly. It gave her something to do, something to keep her mind off of things.

But once the flames were flickering, she found herself sitting on the floor, just watching them. Every so often she threw on another dried-out log and watched as it caught light. Tiny sparks jumped and danced in the air, out before they landed on the hearth.

That was how she felt, like a tiny spark that had been snuffed out just because it dared to dance into the air and away from what it knew, what it was comfortable with.

Eventually, hunger forced her to go in search of something to eat. There wasn’t much. The cupboards were filled with cans of soups though, so she opened one and heated it, not really caring what kind it was. As it turned out, it was chicken, one of her favorites at least. Not that it mattered much; she could barely finish the bowl.

Curling up on the couch, she pulled the blanket down over herself. It took a moment to realize that she was crying. Hot tears dripped across her nose and down her cheek, pooling on the cushion beneath her head. Leaving had felt like the only answer. They’d all be better off without her, and yet, she wanted nothing more than to be at home, in bed with Camryn, listening to her babies snuffling through the baby monitor. But then she remembered Darcy’s ear-piercing screams. So much energy by someone so tiny. Her face red with rage, and eyes, like Cam’s, that glared at her. Her own child hated her.

Now that she was so far away, she thought she would feel better, relieved, but she didn’t. She had never felt more alone and useless.

At some point, she must have fallen asleep. The cabin was mostly dark, the dim light of the rising sun creeping into cast shadows. The silence was hard to bear as she lay there staring at the long-dead fire. Just ash particles floated lazily in the dim sunlight. Dozing, she thought of Cam, lying next to her sleeping. She could hear the gentle exhale of breath and the light snore as she breathed in again. It was so real, as though she were right here with her.

She opened her eyes and sat up, wide awake, and she could still hear it. Twisting around, she could make out the shape of someone sitting in the armchair, another blanket pulled over them.

The blonde head moved as an arm came up and pulled the blanket higher. A little groan escaped as Cam fidgeted and tried to get comfortable in the cramped space. She had tossed her long legs over the arm, but pulled one back, bent at the knee and into her chest.

“Camryn?” Michelle whispered almost to herself. “How?” It was cold without the blanket and she shivered a little. Pulling it back around her shoulders, she swung her legs from the couch and considered what to do next.

“Huh, hey…uh.” Cam startled awake, almost jumping to her feet. She looked across the room and found dark, sad eyes staring back at her. “Hi.” Her lips pressed together tightly and smiled as she waited for her wife’s reaction to her being here.

When Michelle didn’t speak, or move, she threw the blanket off and stood up, instantly wrapping her arms around herself. It was cold; she would have to put the heating on.

Inching forward, never taking her eyes from Michelle, she made her way over to where her wife sat. Dropping down to her knees in front of her, she reached out and gently rested her palms on Michelle’s thighs. Her eyes closed and she let out a shaky breath, feeling the connection between them.

“I’m sorry,” Michelle rushed out, sobbing as she fell against Cam’s shoulder. Her fingers were gripping like her life depended on it, and Cam didn’t mind a jot. Her own arms snaked around and pulled Michelle closer.

“It’s alright,” Cam soothed, “Everything is going to be alright; I promise.”

“I didn’t know what else to do.” She sat up but avoided eye contact. “I thought…I thought I’d…so many terrible things, I’m not good enough for them. And she knows, she knows I can’t do this.”

“Darcy? No, she loves you, and Mum has this amazing trick that calms her down. She loves you, of course she does.”

Michelle listened, but shook her head. “I don’t think she does. I couldn’t…” She buried her face deeper into Cam’s chest. “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

Cam moved her head around until she found Michelle’s eyes with her own again. “Don’t hide from me.” She smiled. “There is only love in this room, only devotion, and adoration,” she insisted, forcing Michelle to listen. “Whatever is going on, we’re going to fix it…together, alright?”

Michelle nodded, biting her bottom lip. “Where are they?” She looked around the room absently.

“At home with my mum. I think it’s best for now, but not for too long, okay?” Her eyes held with Michelle again. “There’s no pressure, alright, but I need you to explain to me what’s going on.”

Michelle ran a hand through her hair. “I know. I want to…I just…I don’t know, I feel so confused, and sad. I feel sadness, all the time. Even when I know I am happy, it’s there underneath, lying in wait until I’m alone and can’t act to cover it any longer.”

Cam listened. Her knees were aching in this position, but she could tough it out a little longer; she would do anything for this woman.

It was lighter now, the sun fully up and the world outside was waking up too, and Cam realized that she was going to need to take charge for a while. Not in a dominating sense, but just to keep them on an even keel. Take the pressure off of Michelle for a bit.

“We’re going to get dressed, have some breakfast, and then spend the day talking.”

“Alright,” Michelle agreed. Cam sat back on her haunches to allow her to stand. “You won’t leave me, will you?” she asked, looking down at Cam.

Pushing herself up, Cam took her face in her hands, kissing her. “Never. But we have two babies who are too young to be away from us, from you, for too long. So we need to find a solution…together.”