Chapter 9 - Life

The noise was horrific. Never in her life had Cam heard a baby scream the way that Darcy was right now. All night, they had walked the floor with her, cradled her, rocked her, sung to her. Nothing worked. Even Noah couldn’t sleep through this and was whimpering.

“What do we do?” Cam asked frantically as five a.m. rolled by and there appeared no end to it. She had gotten back from OUT at just after two to find Michelle pulling her hair out trying to comfort their daughter.

“I don’t know,” Michelle snapped, frustration and exhaustion working together. “I’m her mother, why won’t she…” She ran a hand through her hair while holding a grizzly Noah in her other arm.

“I’m her mother too, and she doesn’t seem to care that much which of us she ignores,” Cam threw back. “This isn’t a competition, Chelle.”

Michelle exhaled and wiped her face. “I’m sorry, I’m just… she’s been like this for three nights now and you’ve not been here. I’m just tired, Camryn.”

Cam moved Darcy into a different position and continued to rock her. “I’m sorry too. I’ll tell Erin she is running the place for a few weeks. I think tomorrow we should get her checked over by a doctor.”

“You don’t need to do that. I can cope,” Michelle argued a little defiantly.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Cam snapped back.

At the mention of a doctor, Darcy suddenly began to quieten down. She still whimpered, but it wasn’t the same eardrum-piercing screaming from before.

Cam reached out a hand and cupped Michelle’s cheek. “Why don’t you go back to bed? I’ll take her for a drive or something, see if that works to calm her down.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been at work all day.”

Cam smiled. “Babe, you’re the one doing the hard work nowadays…I can take my turn, okay? Noah will go back to sleep. He always does.”

“Alright. I don’t have the strength to argue right now anyway.”

She leaned in and kissed Darcy on the head before turning to Cam and kissing her lightly on the lips. “I won’t be long,” Cam whispered as Darcy began to ramp up the noise again.

The following morning, Michelle woke to find Noah alone in his crib. No Darcy, and no Cam in bed next to her. Noah kicked his legs and mewled a little contentedly, but still hungry. Michelle picked him up and pulled him close to her. Her heart was fit to burst with the love she had for him, and his sister.

“Good morning baby, how are you? Did you sleep without your sister screaming? You did? I wish Mommy had.” She yawned. Even with Cam taking Darcy, she had woken several times, worried and unable to get back to sleep. Wasn’t this supposed to be the easy part? The joyous part? When she got to spend time with her children, making memories and learning everything with them? Any time she ever spoke with a friend, or her mother, or anyone who had had kids, they all said the same: enjoy it. It goes by so fast; you must take the time to really be present. Nobody had ever said, your child will hate you and scream constantly for her first month with no sign of stopping.

Carefully, she took Noah down the stairs in search of Cam and their daughter. It was silent as she crept into the lounge and found Cam asleep on the couch, Darcy lying on her chest sound asleep. She watched as their child gently snuffled and fidgeted, her little fingers grabbing and releasing something in a dream maybe. Michelle’s heart swelled again with a love like nothing she’d ever felt before. She’d never in her life have thought she could feel deeper love than she felt for Cam, and in a way, she felt guilty for it. They’d promised to never love anyone else the way they loved each other, but this was different. A different kind of love that fit right in but it was bigger than what she felt for Cam, something innate that she could never put into words. Which was why she was so upset every time Darcy screamed. She’d half-expected it for a few days, a couple of weeks even, but this was now a month and other than a few hours here and there when she finally slept, Darcy showed no real letup of her discomfort. Michelle was blaming herself. What kind of mother must she be?

Not daring to make a sound, she left the room and took Noah to the kitchen. Pulling out a stool, she perched herself on it and pulled her dressing gown aside to let him feed. It took him a moment to latch on, and he began to grizzle.

“Oh, it’s okay,” she pacified him. “Please don’t cry. Don’t cry, don’t cry.” And then she realized that the only one of them crying was herself. “I wish I was better at this. I’ll try harder, I promise,” she whispered to him as he looked up at her. “I love you both so much.

She smiled when his hand grabbed at her hair and tugged gently as he suckled.

They sat like that together, and for a moment Michelle just enjoyed the time. The silence. But it didn’t last.

The quiet grumble and cry from Darcy, as she too realized that it was feeding time, could be heard through into the kitchen. Michelle was about to get up when she heard Cam.

“Alright, D.” She sounded exhausted, and Michelle felt bad for not dealing with Darcy last night so that Cam could sleep. She seemed to feel bad all the time lately. Even when she was happy, there was a guilt laced into it.

She heard shuffling as Cam wandered into the kitchen with a whiney baby in her arms. “Morning,” she said gruffly. “Is he done, or shall I do her a bottle?”

“Uh, almost…do you want me to take her and…”

“Coffee, I need coffee and about two years’ worth of sleep.” Cam smiled as she moved nearer, leaned in, and kissed Michelle’s head. “Morning Noah. You can have a kiss in a moment when you leave Mum’s boobs and I get to the joy of being vomited on, okay?”

He seemed to sense her humour and kicked his legs in agreement.

“Did you get any sleep?” Michelle asked as Darcy upped the noise levels and Cam rocked her back and forth.

“Sleep? Yep, she finally dropped off about six.” Cam yawned. “You?”

“I got…” She remembered how Cam had given up her sleep so that she could, “Yes, I got some sleep,” she said. Not quite a lie, but not the entire truth.

Cam grinned. “That’s good. You need it more than me.” She yawned again. Noah finished and she passed Darcy off to Michelle and lifted Noah. “Now behave,” she said to Darcy, who had quieted a little at the prospect of breakfast.

“Do you think she likes me?” Michelle said as Cam began to burp Noah, gently patting his back as she kissed the top of his head. “I mean… It’s silly, I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.”

“Hey,” Cam said, moving back to where Michelle sat with Darcy. “Of course she does, and it’s not silly. Nothing you say is silly, not if that’s how you’re feeling? Is that what you think? That she doesn’t like you?”

Michelle nodded. “Sometimes, yeah.”

“Babies are…she’s just finding her way, and unfortunately we’re the only punchbags she’s got, so…” Cam shrugged and smiled, trying to make light of it. To ease Michelle’s fears. “Look at her now. Quiet, happy. She’s looking at you; you’re her world right now.”

Michelle tried to smile. “She only wants my boobs.”

“Well, I can’t blame her, they’re my favourite boobs too.” Cam grinned and then grimaced as Noah burped and promptly threw up, missing the towel she had placed over her shoulder. “Oh, gross. Noah mate, come on, we need to work on that aim, boy.”

Michelle laughed. “All down your neck?”

“Yeah, warm and wet and not in the good way.” She grabbed another cloth and began to wipe at the vomit that was dripping into places she really didn’t want to think about. “Right, I’m going to take him upstairs and get him changed, cos quite frankly I dunno what is in that boob juice, but wow,” she said, holding him up to sniff his diaper. “Bring her up when she’s finished and we will somehow manage to get ourselves feeling and looking human again, and if we’re lucky at some point, they will nap, and we can too, how does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect.” Michelle smiled, watching as Cam shuffled out of the room with Noah. “What do you think, Darcy? Does Momma have a plan?”

With Darcy remaining quiet, Michelle let out a relieved breath. “Yes, I think that sounds like a great idea. Because Momma really needs to sleep.”

Darcy gripped her hair just like Noah had, only she wasn’t as gentle, yanking it hard as her face erupted into a red rage of screaming. “No, please…Darcy, I can’t…please stop.” She rocked her as she searched for a cloth, tossing it over her shoulder and moving her daughter into place to burp her. “Please, please, please,” she begged over and over. “I can’t do this, I can’t…”