Chapter 33 - I'll Be a Home for You

Chapter 33

so that’s how it feels

to belong

Aang

COME TO THE GYM, Bryn texts JJ as I’m reading over her shoulder.

RIGHT NOW, Monique adds to their group chat.

I look around the gym. Brad, Remy, and the whole cheerleading team are sneaking looks at the door, waiting. I shift from foot to foot. “School’s finished for the day. You sure JJ hasn’t left yet?”

Monique shakes her head. “I drove her here. Her parents took her car away for two weeks.”

I frown. “Why?”

“For dating you without official permission.” She rolls her eyes. “You were already a boy who wanted to date their daughter. Suspicious enough. A boy who dated her before introducing himself? Good luck. Her mom uses a scalpel daily, and her dad has access to a lot of drugs.”

“But …” Blood drains from my face. “They’ve met me before.”

“Don’t worry! They’ll like you!” Bryn elbows me. “Eventually. I think. But do not mention you’ve already been to the house when they weren’t there.”

I nod weakly. This is a problem for later.

Bryn’s phone pings. “That’s her.” She shows me the message: I will be there in five minutes.

Huh? My face scrunches up. “Does JJ always text you like that?”

Bryn double-checks her phone. “What do you mean?”

“Like … legibly.”

“Yeah? Honestly, the girl sounds way too formal over text. Why?”

My face breaks into a helpless grin. “No reason.” She only does it with me.

I hope what I’m about to do next is what she wants. I roll my shoulders back and nod at Bryn and Monique. “Game on.” I hide behind Brad while the flyers get into prep. “Thanks again … man.”

“Bro, no problem.” Brad takes my usual place in the stunt group, backspotting Addy.

“If you hurt Remy, I’ll make your life a living nightmare.”

“Jeez …” Brad shivers. “JJ was right, you have no chill. Don’t sweat it. I promise your bestie is in good hands.” He winks at Remy, who blows him a kiss from his place next to the wall.

The door screeches open, and my lungs forget how to inhale air. I’m going to pass out from the lack of oxygen before I get to ask her the question.

JJ walks into the gym, frowning at the whole cheerleading team—five stunt groups are in a line, the flyers in prep holding blank white signs. Remy takes out his phone and starts recording. I begged him not to do it, but it was his payment for making the signs at such short notice.

Step by step, she’s getting closer, but she can’t see me yet. Brad’s wide shoulders make a good hiding spot. “What’s going on?” she asks, and my mouth kicks up automatically at the Polish accent making a comeback. I try to move, but my legs have turned to concrete, pinning me in place. What if she says no and I’m humiliated again, this time not just in front of Monique and Bryn but in front of the whole cheerleading team?

Then you’ll get humiliated, and it’ll be worth it. I step out from behind Brad.

Her jaw drops.

I’m wearing the black suit from the Philadelphia mall, the white shirt, and the dark pink tie, this time actually tied. There’s pink glitter splattered across my cheekbones, and her scrunchie is on my wrist. None of the shades match, according to Remy, but that wasn’t on my list of priorities.

I take her in. Her hair is in the two cornrows with the golden cuffs. She’s wearing the green hoodie I gave her at the party. Now that I think about it, she never gave it back.

Sunlight floods my veins and dissolves any leftover concrete in my legs.

I take the eight steps needed to reach her.

“Aang … I …”

“Wait.” I take her hands. “Me first.” I speak quietly so only she can hear me. “I’m so sorry for the things I said. I can’t take them back, but I promise they’ll never leave my mouth again. I’m so sorry for leaving you in Boston. I promise I’ll always consider your safety before I do something stupid. Because I will be doing stupid shit; I don’t think there’s any way around it. And it’ll take me a lot of time to figure myself out, but I would like to do it with you by my side. Because the version of me who’s in love with you has been my favorite one so far. So …” I wave my hand, and the flyers turn the signs around.

PROM?

JJ stares at the letters.

“Would you like to go to prom with—”

“Yes.”

I chuckle. “You didn’t even let me finish the sentence.”

“Because you don’t need to finish the sentence.” She throws her arms around my neck. My hands slide around her waist, my head dips to the crook of her neck, and I spin her around.

The room explodes with noise as the cheerleaders do what cheerleaders do best. They cheer.

When I finally put her on the ground, she says, “You know what’s a massive coincidence? I also have a proposal for you. But not here.” She yells thanks at everyone and pulls me out of the gym to the boos of the crowd that just stopped being entertained. We run along the corridors into … the math classroom?

Her backpack is there, and she starts taking stacks and stacks of papers out of it.

“That’s a lot of paper. Are you going to bully me into doing your homework?”

She doesn’t laugh at the old reference. She drops the last stack on the desk and turns to me. “This is going to sound crazy. I mean, it’s at least eighteen months away, and how would it even work? All the planning that’d we have to do while in our senior year. And convince our parents to give us money. And convince my parents to let me go with you and—”

“JJ?” I stroke her shoulders. “You’re not having much sense to me.”

Her lips curl up. She nods like it makes sense that it doesn’t have sense and takes a deep breath. “Let’s defer college.”

“What?” My hands involuntarily tighten on her shoulders in a panic response. Half of our personalities are built around going to college.

Maybe they shouldn’t be. Maybe the fact that you had a mini heart attack just now is not a good sign. Oh my god. Maybe I can be flexible about more stuff than just how Chinese I am?

Her eyes widen. “I completely forgot to apologize first. I should have written it down, I’m getting, what’s the word …”

I shift my hands to her biceps and tap my fingers against her arms to the rhythm of our cheerleading routine. She closes her eyes. When she speaks again, her voice is level. “I’m sorry for ignoring what you wanted and sending the email. I’m sorry for saying those things in Boston. I should have been your safe space, but I wasn’t. But I want to be.”

“I want that too.” I step closer to her. She’s wedged between me and the desk. “And the brilliant college deferral plan?” I cradle her cheek.

She plays with her scrunchie on my wrist. “I know you hate the idea of a gap year, but hear me out. We’ll go to Hong Kong. And it’s going to be hard for you. It probably won’t solve a single thing. But I’ll be your safe space when you discover what it means to be there. Then we can go to Poland. I’ll show you where I grew up and introduce you to my grandmother. I know in some ways I’ll always struggle, but I feel like struggling with you by my side wouldn’t be so bad. I know it’s a crazy idea, but—”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t even let me finish the sentence.”

“Because you don’t have to.”

“But you should think about it. It’s not an easy—”

“Yes.”

“I’ve prepared spreadsheets.” She points to the stack of papers. “And—”

“Yes.”

“But—”

“JJ …” I tilt her jaw up. “Can I kiss you now? Please, I beg you.”

She shakes her head. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?” I groan, pressing my forehead against hers. “I promise, I’ll read every single one of your spreadsheets later. Multiple times. What else is there to do?”

“A handshake.”

“Okay.” I smile. “That is an important thing left to do.” I force myself to step back from her.

We go in for a shake, our open palms meeting in a crisp slap before our arms swing back.

Three high fives. One fist bump. Four high fives. One fist bump. Five high fives. The sounds echo in the classroom.

And because there’s no way I can survive clapping out any more digits of pi, I grab her hand when she extends it again, pulling her toward me. I wrap my other arm around her back and dip her down. Cheerleading-learned skills can be applied outside of the mat. Who knew.

“From now on, the handshake ends with a kiss. What do you think?” I dip her even further, until she’s parallel to the ground, her braids cascading down. I catch a hint of her vanilla perfume, and my heart races.

She’s already closing her eyes. “Excellent idea.”

Our lips meet, soft and tentative at first. She exhales against my mouth, and I wrap my arms tighter around her waist. Her fingers thread through my hair, sending a shiver down my spine from where her fingernails scrape my scalp. I kiss her harder.

“Wait.” She pulls away from me, but my lips follow hers before my brain registers her words.

“Huh?” My eyes peel open.

She puts her hands on my chest. “I need to say something.”

I set her upright and try to refocus my eyes.

“I love …”

My heart speeds up, but she clamps her mouth shut. Something sinks in my chest, but I make myself say, “It’s okay. You don’t have to—”

“No, that’s not it. Just … I love you doesn’t feel right.”

“What feels right, then?” I manage through my tight throat.

Her smile illuminates her face, orienting everything to her. Permanently. “Kocham cię.”

Tension leaves my body, and it’s hard to imagine that I’ll ever get stressed out again. Cantonese has never felt easy to me. But this time, when I open my mouth, the words flow out, and I know this is exactly how they’re supposed to sound.

“我愛你.”39 I lean in to kiss her.

She makes a soft sound against my lips, something between a sigh and my name.

So that’s how it feels.

To belong.

39 ngóh oi néih